anxiety |a ng ˈzī-itē|noun

a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome

So, as of late, my body and mind have been out of wack. I am not sure what has caused it, or how to get rid of it. For the record, I am in no way trying to complain, not trying to get pity etc. Rather, I'm hoping those of you that read this may be able to help me grasp what the problem may be.

It started with what seemed to be a simple headache, but has turned into a constant back and forth/on and off pain. Not the normal, "let me take some meds and it will go away" kind, but the kind where no matter what I take or how often, the pain is constant and there. On top of that, I get dizzy and lightheaded with every move I make. I stand, I sit, I stretch, I lay down, I read, I turn my head, even as I am typing. I almost feel like I am in a constant state of being tipsy (rest assured, I am not drinking). Alright, so after a day or two of that, add in the exhausted feeling but inability to sleep. Next day, add in the shortened breath and what feels like a racing heart beat. I've checked my blood pressure, my iron, my sugar, anything I could think of and everything is 'normal.' So I have no idea what is going on. My parents think maybe it is stress from everything that is going on, but it all started when I was NOT stressed about anything. Life isn't horrible even. Sure, I've added a second job, but I am STOKED about that. It's a job I've wanted for a while, and the original job is going well. My classes I am doing well in, getting work around the house done. No difference in friends or relationships. If anything, those have depleted in some ways. And even if you were to take that into account, it's nothing I haven't dealt with before in my life.

I know what it is like to be nervous and stressed, to know what depression feels like. Been there, done all that. But this is different. And the annoying part is I can't fix it. Nor do I have the time for a doctor's appointment this week. (Annnnd here comes the shortened breath again). It's getting ridiculous..

So uh......

is this what an anxiety attack feels like?

conundrum

i enjoy blogging, though my lack of posts suggests otherwise. i like writing about things in general, voicing my opinions, my feelings, anything that goes through this hodge-podge of fragmental thoughts i like to call a brain. but there are times that i feel i should not blog. there are things i feel i can't state on here. mainly, its a fear of certain people (no one in particular) reading what i may write and taking it the wrong way, or blowing it out of proportion, etc. so that means i shouldn't write about it then, right? "if you cant say anything nice, then dont say anything at all." though, some of the things aren't necessarily bad! i dont know. i have a tendency to bottle up emotions and thoughts, read into things to much, and frankly be a pessimist. those are the moments when i feel the need to blog the most though, once my glass is overflowing. sometimes its as silly as wanting to update my facebook status to say something that will make people wonder what its about, just so i can talk about it. but to be quite honest, most of the time it's not their business. so again, i just shouldn't put it out there.

i should invest in a diary..

but i get tired of writing all the time. my hand will get sore, and therefore i will loose interest in writing what im feeling. so.."why not keep an online diary?" like on my computer. well, cause it would take up to much space to be real about it. so "post it somewhere online." well, thats the point of a blog sometimes. but i just feel flat out wrong, like it is immature to express my emotions and 'drama' online for others to see. therein lies my, well, conundrum i guess. and i cant make it hidden because someone, somewhere, will eventually find it. thank you google..

its not that i am afraid people wont like me, its not that im not confident nor care what people think. in a sense, i do care, but that is because i dont want people to perceive me as something i am not. and above all, i dont like toying with peoples emotions. this includes getting their hopes up for nothing, hurting their feelings, making them mad, frustrating them, etc.

so what's a girl to do? should i even keep my blog? haha (this is actually kind of funny to me. sounds so childish).