Don't read if you don't care.

Lately I have had an urge to do nothing. I can't focus. anyways.

I failed my test, again, for my online class. i won't be surprised if i fail the class. I enjoy the job I have, but it is eating up my gas. I don't know if I can make it work, because they can't give me more hours since I just started, and I like an hour away. I thought I knew what I was getting into this summer with classes, and the job, but things turned around and now I am stuck. My brother isn't doing too well..Mom called and said he is pretty sick and has a hospital check up tomorrow, but I'll be at work from 9-2. Then it will be an hour before I get home and I don't want to call Mom on the way cause I don't think I can handle another crying car ride back to town. I have had a headache all day for the past week, but I gave the only migraine medicine i had, away. I just feel like I am in a routine of trying to sleep and eat, then work, then class, repeat. I'm trying to find the happiness/sunshine in everyday life but it's just hard. i gave all i had, and made my life surround, and now its gone. so i'm just flat out not happy, and i don't know where its all going or what to do. patience is a virtue that i do not have; its also a sign of maturity..and i am not being patient, therefore not mature. its just hard. as the rolling stones say "You can't always get what you want." it's the truth, compromise is important and i haven't done that. so i lost what i wanted and had, even with all the mistakes/flaws/everything-it was what i wanted, though i had a hard time showing it, and now i am alone/lonely. i wouldn't change anything from it. i just want that back. sorry. i am digressing. um..i really don't have anything peppy to talk about.

i'm sorry for everything..

snub |snəb| verb ---rebuff, ignore, or spurn disdainfully

in my opinion, it doesn't matter who you are, where you are, what your situation is or anything. to ignore someone is completely rude. whether you are trying to ignore someone on the side of the street, an employee or customer at the store, a friend that you are mad at, or if you are just busy having fun. anyway you ignore someone, it hurts them. and when you take time to think about it, you don't like being ignored either. how many times have you tried calling someone and said this: "answer your phone! what is the point of having a cellphone if you aren't going to freaking answer it?!?" yep-i've been there, done that. irritates the piss outta ya doesn't it? think about when you do it to other people. makes them angry too. or how about its an emergency, and you just need someone that wont answer phone/text? you feel hurt and neglected usually, right? or how about when you just simply want to have a chat with someone-and they are short with you, and then just stop talking? its no fun. and when you turn the tables and YOU ignore someone, think about it. all the feelings you have when its done to you-is how they feel 9 times out of 10 when you do it to them. now i realize often times people are genuinely busy, but how hard is it to shoot that person a text and say "hey, im busy ill call/text you back" or if you flat out don't want to talk to them just say "look, i really don't feel like talking right now." granted, the latter of the two phrases still hurts, but i think it hurts less than ignoring them. why leave people hanging? just end the conversation if you want it to be over. i'm just tired of seeing people, myself included, being ignored and doing the ignoring. its rude and hurtful. plain and simple.

I am almost at a loss for words. Yet I know if I sit here long enough, I’ll think of so much to write that you won’t read it. Hah. I did some reminiscing today after my chores (I shouldn’t say chores cause they were dumb things liking ironing all my t-shirts..t-shirts!! Ha). Anyways, I looked back on some sites that I had like my old xanga, and my old entries here on blogspot.

I’ve messed up lately. I am not the person I said I was in previous blogs. Now this isn’t a change like, ‘oh I’ve matured’ change. Instead it’s more of a selfish, unthinking change. There are things I enjoyed doing or whatever that I don’t do anymore. There are things I say I would do, that I don’t lately (i.e. Just relax and let God lead my life). So many times I would say how I can handle things, I don’t need someone 24/7. Yet lately, all I’ve done is the exact opposite. One blog specifically stood out as a result of actions lately..which I don’t feel like talking about (view that blog here). In it I said I didn’t need to be talking and hanging out with people 24/7 and someone taught me that. Yet I couldn’t do it this summer. I was constantly home by myself and in return smothered the few people that would talk to me. I didn’t really think about other people as much as I thought of my loneliness. And unfortunately, it has gotten more lonely as of late. I was selfish. I can’t change the actions of my past, and I don’t know if I will ever get the chance to make up for it.. I also know I apologize a lot. But I am truly sorry for pushing those of you away. We all make mistakes, and it took a major action for me to realize mine.

In times of quiet loneliness, one is supposed to be able to hear God. In 1 Kings 19:11-18, God spoke to Elijah through a gentle whisper. He did not speak in the wind, the earthquake, or the fire. Just like in our lives today he does not speak in the parties, nor always in our pain and grief. Not that God doesn’t talk to us then, when we cry out to God He hears, but not always responds right away in the way we want. When we are quiet and listen for God, just relax, we can hear him. However, for me, I have not listened. I have asked and prayed but while God has taken the time to hear me in my pain and grief, I have not reciprocated the time. I just expect things to change, and I’m not really listening. I urge you guys to listen. Don’t try and take everything in your life into you own hands. Lean on God, unlike I have lately. Things will always work out, whether on your time or how you want it -- or not. Just have faith.

what in the world?!

Nerves: a person's mental state, in particular the extent to which they are agitated or worried.

yep, the definition basically explains the state i have been in for about a month now. i have been worried from things to do with jobs, to relationships, to what i am doing with my life. it is getting to the point that the nerves are turning into stress and my stress is being taken out on people, if and when people are there to take them out on. i haven't gone bike riding in well over a week because i have been trying to figure out what the strange bumps on my legs were (result: poison ivy). so i have had no way of letting these frustrations out. i thought maybe drawing would help, so i have been doing that a lot, but rather than letting it out it just occupies me till the stress resurfaces. needless to say it is not working like i would like it too. the worst thing about all this stress, while i am seeing lights that i had never seen before in some situations, i am completely defeating everything. that makes no sense. basically, i am throwing everything i have in my life away. i stopped caring about class, tried to get rid of any and all relationships i have with people, and have just sat around doing nothing all day long. now, you might be thinking "she is depressed, i am sure of it." but i can assure you i am not depressed. i am just so wanting to be done with everything, while not at the same time. and those two feelings do not go hand-in-hand with each other. that's like me saying i am hot yet i am cold. dumb.

i feel like its me trying to turn over a new leaf. while i have gotten a peak at what i think life could be for me if i wiped all my slates clean, and i mean every single person, thing, want, need, EVERYTHING-finito. anyways, while i have gotten a glimpse of it, i don't feel that i am ready for it, nor do i know if i want it. it could be exciting and fun, and just what i need, but i was content with things. so why go change them? this glimpse has screwed me over in so many ways because instead of either jumping into that realm or leaving it be, i am teetering on the line. i can't make up my mind, and am letting others try to make it up for me. in my heart i feel i know what i need and in my mind i am sure that i wont get it. not ever in life, but right now. with the circumstances i am in, living in e-city(which isn't horrible btw) i cant expect some huge acting person to find me, i cant expect to live where i want with the dogs i want and the furniture i would like. it is all unrealistic for me. its like i am trying to live how i want my life to be in 3 years, right now. though i know and feel all that, the one thing i want more than anything right now: for things to be the way they were a month ago. i was so happy and excited about everything in life, i didn't try to argue with everyone, i tried to talk to people, hang out. it was easier. i don't really know what snapped to make me turn around like this, but i wish it would snap again. i am rambling now. and slightly digressed. i'm just sick of cotton-pickin' nerves. good day.

That'll do pig, that'll do.

Have you ever seen the movie "Babe" about a little pig? It has been forever since I have seen it, but I was thinking about it today. I plan on using that quote in my other blog too, just warn you if you read that one too. Anyways.

Today started off super slow. I didn't wake up till about 12pm, but that is because i went to bed around 3:30-4am-ish. Rough night. My day slowly got better as I received a phone call from Banana Republic informing me that they wanted to hire me. This was great news to say the least. I don't think I have been so ecstatic over a job before. I was overjoyed for three reasons. 1)I wouldn't be sitting at home bored all day anymore, well most days. 2)I was going to finally be making some money, and 3) I have always wanted to work there since they opened in Short Pump Towne Center back home. Gosh was this a great moment. Other than that nothing really happened. I attempted to work on homework, failed because the CD wont work in my computer. Played some mario wii, watched tv, talked to both parental units. When I talk to my Dad I miss home. He got a job! I don't think I have mentioned that yet, but he finally got a job again. I'm proud of him. The biggest project for me today was to clean. Now that I have cleaned my room I have nothing else really to accomplish for the day.

"How does the quote from 'Babe' tie in to your blog Erin?" Well, I am glad you asked. Although I woke up late, and it doesn't sound like I accomplished much, I feel I have. I felt that when I stepped back and looked into my clean room, my finished parts of homework, and job sheet that I did what I needed to do today. Though in reality not much, I wish someone was there to assure me and relieve me, pat me on the shoulder and say "That'll do, that'll do."

i want i want

It seems that now since I have no money to spend, my wants for even the smallest things are greater. It is nothing too major that I want, apart from a job being my biggest want. I have applied and searched at so many places. I have 3 options left or I may still be able to go to camp Rudolph, if Charlie still wants me. um, but like, for instance I would LOVE to get a new bathing suit-one that suits me and my body type. I mean, if you haven't noticed I am not a petite small chest model that can wear anything that walmart may sell. Nope. Lo and behold the one bathing suit I've wanted for two years at VS is on sale..but I can't afford it and feel horrible asking my mom for the money. The biggest thing I want money for is food though. I don't want to ramble or write too much. So heres a couple of things:

1) any job openings? let me know!! :)

2) pray I find a job ASAP.

Thanks guys!