So what does adore mean to you? In any sense, what does it mean? Do you adore something? A necklace, a guitar, a song, a sport? Or a person? God, your Mom, Dad, boyfriend/girlfriend? There is always something that people adore, whether they see it or not, whether it is an object or person, it is there. And while I adore God a lot, no words to describe how awesome He is, this blog..is not about Him.
In the past few weeks I think I have come to understand what this feeling I had was. It felt amazing, yet it hurt all at the same time. I thought it was towards something, then I realized it was towards someONE (Who shall remain nameless). This person is, of course a guy, but not just any guy. He is the guy that most people deep down, don't really like all the time. Yet I can't find any hatred or disgusting thing about him. I mean, I know he does this that are wrong, or treats people not so nicely all the time, but I don't dislike him for it. In fact, it makes me like him because he tries to fix it. Ya know, I don't think "like" is even a good word to use for this, but I probably will anyways. For the longest time I didn't know what it meant to like someone, but not have to be with them all the time. I told every guy I liked that I did know, so they wouldn't think I was clingy. In all reality I had, and still have, some trust issues. I thought to like someone or to be "talking" you had to be around each other or texting each other all the time. I thought there needed to be some sort of conversing 24/7 or else it would be awkward, unless you were watching a movie. But this guy taught me a lot-mainly he taught me that I needed to grow up, and get out of the fantasy world of relationships. Now, I can enjoy doing activities with people, but just as much enjoy the quiet and relaxing times. I've grown to like those quiet and relaxing times more actually. In the past, if I liked someone and they walked in the room, I would pounce on them I guess you could say. I was right at their side, and it was flat out annoy I bet. Now, when this person walks in, I just keep going about my business. Yeah, I wish at times he would come talk to me and what not, but it's not my main focus. The reason I posted the definition of adore at the top was because I think this is the feeling I get from him. Not from him to me, but the feeling I have towards him. I get so nervous around people, yet when he walks in a room, or is around, a sense of calm and pleasantness comes over me like I've never felt before. Even when he just makes eye contact with me, I feel different. And when he smiles at me, oh man, I feel like no one else is around. I feel my face brighten up, and can't help but smile back with that stupid huge smile of mine because I am so happy. I am extremely comfortable with him, in every situation or environment, and like I said, I don't ever seem to get irritated by him anymore. It's a feeling I've never had towards a guy, a sense of pure happiness. No stress, no anger, no more worries, nothing but joy.
Yet when the day is over, the joy is gone. Why? It's not because I think he doesn't notice me, or because he may not like me (although that in its own way sucks). It is because I have all this emotion, all this feeling of pure, unaffected love for him and there is no way for me to express it to him. It's bottled up, waiting to explode. I am afraid to express it to him, mainly for fear of rejection, yes. Not a "I don't like you at all Erin," but a "I'm sorry, there is no way I could nor would ever feel the same." Not to mention, I wouldn't want things to get awkward. I enjoy being in his company that if it got awkward, I'd feel like the freshmen girl in college that has to win his friendship all over again. And after all I've gone through with this..I don't think my heart could take it. (Not saying I'll die ha, no no no). For the longest time I couldn't put this on here because I couldn't figure out how to write these feelings out. And in all honesty, still no words can describe this as well as I'd like. But you know the funny thing? Before I wrote this, I looked up different definitions, and I looked up his name on urban dictionary. Someone had written a funny little definition for his name, yet I feel that it helps me express what I feel:
| The most amazing boy in the world. He is quiet around the masses but he opens up around the one he loves. He is extraordinarily protective in the best of ways. He can and will make you laugh harder than anyone else. He is the most adorable, cute, nice, sweet, kind, generous, loving, caring, genuine, funny, considerate, awesome person I have ever met. Every moment of my life would be better if I could spend it with him. His smile can make my day; even if it’s from across the room. I love him more than the sun, I need him more than breath it’s self. I can’t imagine my life without him; it scares me more than anything. I will spend the rest of my life in his arms. |
Okay, the last few lines are borderline creepy/high schoolish. But you get the point. I just don't know what to do. I can't tell him really for my fear is so great. Yet, I feel if I don't I may miss out on something important. This year I made a plan not to focus on guys, not to try and get a boyfriend or anything this year. I don't want to be a hinderance to someone else in any way if I, myself, am not straight: spiritually mainly. (While we both probably have a lot to work on, he is the only one that has ever, I think, really influenced me spiritually or helped me in that way). I am going to work on my grades and school work, and work on my spiritual life, and flat out:grow up. I am working on it. I think at times I am succeeding, and it feels great. My focus is still in all the right places, but he is constantly in the back of my mind, I seriously can't get him off my mind. He isn't distracting, for once, nor do I think he would be again. It's like my crush itself has matured to an adoration that I simply adore everything about it, and never want to see him go. And I think that is what I am trying to say. Maybe? eh..lol. I don't know. Thoughts? Feel free to share what you adore, think, feel anything. :) Night.
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