So I have come to the realization today, that there are just some people in my life that don't need to be there. Not meaning to sound negative, but like, I don't benefit from our friendship, vice versa, I don't like how I feel after being around them, nor what I become. And again, I am pretty sure those people feel the same way.

Also, I've realized that by letting myself go, and become someone other than..well, me, that I have neglected some really cool people. Lately I have been hanging out and talking to some people more, like Mike, Justin, Buddy, Becca, Nicole..the list goes on. I find myself talking or hanging out with them, and it's fun! I feel I have missed out on so much in about just a semester. To those of you reading this: I am working on it.

So I had court today. Barrels of fun, yeah, no. hah. Luckily enough, I didn't have to pay the full price of the ticket, but enough to learn that I don't need to speed again, even if my speedometer is broken. Had a pretty fun day with Danielle. I was going to miss all my classes already, so we went and got lunch and just hung out. That was grand. Then lessons with Mike, I felt kinda, nope, really dumb. hah. But no one's fault, I'm just insecure on my guitar skills. Then of course drama (no day is complete with some). And finally I got coffee with Mike. It was nice talking with him. I missed the days of hanging out and talking about anything, very relaxing cause I know Mike isn't judging me. So I can tell him most things. Now of course I am just sitting in my room pondering over things. All in all, today wasn't so bad. I actually saw some sun today! yay!

Goal/Lesson of the month: Hang out, get to know other people better. :)

Hope y'all had a good day too :) mkbye

Debbie Downers

What I don't get: How people can have crappy days, and just come in and make yours bad as well. Freaking "Debbie Downers" (No offense to those named Debbie, I didn't come up with the saying). But it's like, there is a difference between being realistic, harsh, harsh realistic, and just a plain snot bucket about things. Like, when someone is constantly supported in everything they want to do by one person, that person is always there to help them cause that's who they are, wouldn't you expect them to want the same back? or do the same, vice versa? I hate how I can be there for people all the time, support them in most everything they do. Yet when I choose to do something, when I come up with an IDEA for something, automatically I am shot down. All my life I have been told I am not good enough, I am not up to par, I don't have the talent. So when I say hey, I think I want to go to school here to better the ONE thing I am confident in, or want to be good at, I would love some support.And when people decide to bring me down, or try to keep my places cause it makes them look good, or they don't want me gone..I mean, that's selfish. It's not like I won't talk to those people later in life. Now, I get support from several people, and respect and cherish them. But I hate when others shoot me down, bring me down, or just straight tell me no, that it can't happen. It's like-for real?! Bah hum bug. There apathetic attitude ends up bringing me down and it sucks, so hence why this blog is so negative-apologies. Don't read it if you don't want too. I finally get parental, well Mom's, support in what I want (it's not anything bad I promise) but I mean, even some of my closest friends seem to have a hard time letting me get there. I'm not asking for fiscal support, I want words or people saying "Hey! Ya know what Erin? I think you can do this. I have faith in you! And don't worry, God is there too, don't forget." But I don't get that.

I try not to talk about it often, because it brings me down. But of course I talked with Mike about it all tonight. I feel useless in anything. I feel I don't have strong talents or am really smart, I pretty much feel like, if I am lucky, I'll end up in LA or NY in an apartment as a bachelorette, working some 9-5 job as secretary or server, till some guy comes along. I don't want that. I want to make it as something, or do something. Even if it's just inspiring people to go for what they believe. But I hate when I say hey I want to go here, or do that and people are like, you can't even afford where you're at, how are you going to do. I want to punch them in the face. I mean for real, you think I don't know I can't afford it? You think I am completely dumb? gahh. I don't know. I am just irritated right now. So I am going to go to bed i figure.

mk, so i was wrong

I am back, later. haha. and of course i am back cause i have something on my mind...

ever felt like you don't know if you are doing the right thing?

I am talking about like, ever. Not just work, but that, relationships, careers, life! So yesterday I feel asleep really early by accident. I didn't expect to sleep as long as I did. A short nap turned into 4 hours. I tried to sleep through the night, but obviously I failed. So I got up and did some things around the dorm. Getting to the point, it's about 3am, and my room mate(who did the same sleep thing I did) asks if I am still up. To which I reply, "yes." She continues to ask if I ever feel like I am doing the wrong thing. Immediately I stopped breathing for a second. This was something I perpetually think about. Often times I try to get it to stay in the back of my head cause I tend to go off in tangents about it. Bad thing. So I answered her and told her how I think about it all the time, I just choose not to talk about it. I thought she'd drop it, but she went on how she is scared she isn't going to like what she's in school to be, and how she thinks sometimes she isn't right in hearing what God is calling her to do. That maybe she is interpreting it wrong. (Keep in mind, I don't mind that she is talking about it, I just wasn't sure what I was going to say, I didn't want to go off in a tangent). I told her that often times I think about, in fact, everyday. And I told her that I feel while we may choose a path to take, whether it be the road less traveled, or the beaten path, we will end up where we are supposed to be. We may diverge, but God will bring us back to His plan for us. Ha, and then I said "All roads lead to Rome kind of thing," to which she made me feel bad for comparing God to Rome, which was not what I intended.

So to go off in my tangent: I feel sometimes, what I want to do really bad for a career, and what God wants me to do, are two different things. But then I don't even know what God seems to want from me, and it frightens me. Everyone else seems to "feel" God calling them to do this and that, and I feel like that last kid picked for dodgeball, or the kid left alone on the merri-go-round. I don't know what God wants of me, no matter how hard I pray for help, I can't feel or sense anything. I'm afraid I'll be one of those college kids that goes home with a degree and works at Red Robin the rest of my life. Cause to be brutally honest-I don't want to teach music, and that's what I'm studying to do. I never wanted to teach. I wanted to help out other choirs, but I never wanted to teach. I hate teaching. And yet, I don't feel like I am really good at anything. I want to act, but I am not outstanding at it, I know. I am constantly searching, endlessly. I want to transfer, still, but I feel sometimes I have good reasons for it, while at times I feel I am just running to something else, hoping that's where I am supposed to be. I keep praying, and working towards my degree now, but what if it's not what I am supposed to be? What if I am interpreting God's call wrong? I know I will ultimately end up where God wants me, and that I need to fully rely on Him, but I am just scared.

When it comes to other things, like relationships and jobs, I'm really chill about it for the most part. What happens, happens. But sometimes things can just get so frustrating. No lie. I am a very fickle person, I don't know what I want all the time-so I've come to realize. I mean, lately I have found myself regretting some decisions in the past, like from freshmen year in college, and then like things I said or didn't do a few days ago. Just little nit picky stupid things. And I always wonder, did I make the right decision when it comes to guys. Ya know? Like, is this the right guy for me? or no. It's just something else I tend to leave up to God. But like I said, sometimes it can just get frustrating. And to be honest, it's not like I am looking for a relationship at the moment, not that I am not at the same time, but I would love to just go out on a date once, and have fun with a guy. Seeing as I have never done that. But around here, its like heaven forbid you go on a date once with a guy, even if he is just trying to be nice, cause you're going to get married if you do. I don't know. But I do know its about 2:30 am, and I have church in the morning, so I need sleep. Welp, feel free to let me know what you think..or you can just ponder over this yourself. mkbye.

Newbie

Alright, so I am new to this whole blogspot thingy. But I figured I would try it anyways. I am probably not going to put any deep thoughts or feelings on here quite yet. Cause I have written 3 papers today-totally not up for tons of writing at the moment. Who knows. later? I think so. mmk, cool. well, i'm going now. mkbye