One of those days

So today is one of those days. It's a day where I am ready to be done with school, have my own house/apartment, own pets, a job, and someone to relax with.

It's one of the strongest feelings I have had in a while, and while it is nice, it is rather depressing. I have all these thoughts and memories of spring time, hanging out watching movies, staying inside, flying kites, playing with dogs and cats, laying in a hammock, long car rides, margaritaville, etc. While great memories that I wouldn't change for the world, I will never get the chance to make those same exact ones again. Sure I can make them another time, possibly with someone else. But it's not the same. It's just weird. I thought I was past all this, but apparently spring has sprung me from the mental prison I called "freedom." I just tricked myself into being past all of it. The suckiest thing is not only can I have that person/opportunities back, I'm not done with school..so no chance of a place of my own with pets and a hammock. Gosh, I just want it like it used to be..

I am better than this..

I've lost my focus. I've lost my beliefs. I've lost my goals, my aspirations. I've lost me, who I really am.

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk

I don't know what happened. I can't wrap my head around it. This semester I have hit an all time low. My grades are absolute crap. I'm not graduating in May. I'm lonely. I'm not going to church as regularly. All these things that aren't me! I just want to know what happened..I got so wrapped up in just having fun and finding someone to make me happy that I didn't try being happy with just me. (Ya know there's a quote for that, something like "If you can't be happy with just yourself, you'll never be happy with anyone." I don't know, something like that.) Because I relied on others, all I've felt like lately is total crap. That I'm not good enough, I'll never accomplish anything, I'll always be alone. And before, I would have never let this get to me. This stuff wouldn't affect my grades, my attitude, anything.

I AM BETTER THAN THIS!

it's so frustrating because I know this, but yet I can't get my mind past everything to actually act upon it. I'm wearing myself out trying to get back to who I was. I exhaust myself to the point of wanting to just cry, and I give up. Then I have to start all over again. This is so stupid! I deserve better, I am good enough, I can do great things with what I have. So why have I let people allow me to feel so small and worthless still? What should I do? Just wish their was a reset button that connected to the mind where I could forget all the words said, all the memories had, everything, and just start fresh.

"Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?

Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming"