I ask myself that question time and time again. I have yet to come up with an answer I can agree with for myself, personally. The common answer I've heard though is:
We are humans, sinful beings living in a sinful world, not guided by the one by whom we should be.
I can't disagree with that, but I think that for each person there is another reason that is special for them. Like a personality trait or birthmark that is specific to each person. So why do you do the things you do? Why do I? Oh man, I'm sure if someone had the answer to that, they would be rich! Alas, I am still in search of my reasoning.
There are things in every person's life that they struggle with daily; career, school, future, love, relationships. They are all normal occurrences in our daily lives. Some of these things seem to run vicious cycles, while others only last a short while. Take for instance careers-I've known people to struggle with jobs because either they were unsatisfied with what they had, or they just couldn't keep one. Struggle. College seniors struggle daily with school and future on the same plate. What if my degree doesn't land me the dream job? What if my diploma is worth nothing? Struggle. And then there is love/relationships. People struggle with finding "the one," keeping interest, making commitment, finding flat out happiness. Struggle. And as we take the journey with each of these endeavors, we question our reasons. Why stay in school if its going to be for nothing? Why look for love, when it always just slaps me in the face?
I feel like I am being hit hard in every aspect lately. And with each endeavor I am asking myself, "Why?" What is it that keeps me coming back, from just packing my bags and leaving town? The thought has crossed my mind so much as of late, that I find myself detaching from things. I don't want to deal with school, with the future, with jobs, with love. Each thing has scorned me in some way in the past year and I'm fed up. But why haven't I left yet? It may be because I am hoping school will ease up on the work load, that I'll be graduating in May (hopefully), that the job could be good for me and open doors I didn't know existed, or cause I am madly in love. It could just be cause I am that kind of person who doesn't give up. I honestly have no clue. I just know I am running in this vicious cycle around everything that doesn't need to be a focus; that it's wearing me thin and I feel I may crumble soon.
So how do I change that? I've tried giving up and letting go of the things that hurt, but I always come back. I always run the same race to only end up in the same last place. They always say to put God first and focus on Him. I plan on doing that. But at the same time I want to focus on me. I think it has finally hit me that I always put others before me in most things, and forget what I want and need. I am depriving myself of the possibilities of what kind of godly woman I could be. I don't know what will become of me, or what will result from this possible attitude. I am hoping great things. But I won't lie, it scares me. I don't know if I can do it, but I want to try. It's my last semester. I'm sick of running in circles. Here's to hoping.
...Until next time.
