STULTIFY:verb ( -fies, -fied) [usu. as adj. ] ( stultifying) cause to lose enthusiasm and initiative, esp. as a result of a tedious or restrictive routine.

Yep, I think that word pretty much describes life at the moment. Or at least how I have felt the past few days. I am almost certain this feeling/attitude is a direct response to several things happening in life at the moment.

1-being I think I am getting sick: I THINK I am getting sick. I'm not sure. My throat has been killing me, but I think it is partially due to the bi-polar weather we've been having. Having my window still open doesn't seem to help. Guess I'll shut that tonight.

2- I seem to constantly stay confused about any and everything. Whether it be school, family, friends, or relationships. I am confused and out of the loop. I know where I want to be going with life and all that jazz, but I don't know where I am heading at the moment. School isn't kicking my butt really, I just can't find the motivation for it no matter how hard I try. Being at ECSU, I think, hasn't helped with the confusion because I never know what is going on at MACU. People are doing this now, this was said blah blah. Of course it's all drama but my friends expect me to know it all, and I don't. Family wise-apparently Dad never really was bi-polar? I don't know. I am not even going into all that cause it frustrates me. Relationship wise- I have no clue what is going on. I know what I feel, I know what that person says he feels, but I don't the truth behind all of it. I trust said person, it's just hard to know for sure. And the fact that I seem to know nothing stresses me out, and makes me read into things (which I KNOW I shouldn't). [note:i am trying real hard to not read into anything and take things as they are.]

3-I am just ready to be done. It is odd saying this because I am only a junior, technically. One might hear a senior say they are ready to graduate, but I am totally ready to be done. I am done with everything there is about college. Don't get me wrong, college can be great and I think it's something most people should do, but I am just tired of it. The drama, the stress, the busy work. That's all my homework seems to be is busy work. I am not learning from it, it's just something for teachers to grade. I love the fact that I am sort of on my own, I am away from home, but I feel like I am at a private high school here with more testosterone and raging hormones. It's like everyday someone is crying or upset. I am sorry for those of you who are, but suck it up once and a while. I don't mean to offend anyone reading this, but for real-not everyone in the world outside of MACU is going to sit there and stroke your hair because you are crying over silly things.

I am sorry if this is depressing/emo/mean. It's just what's partially on my mind. I can't let go of certain things that are weighing heavy right now. And I am sick of confusion. All these previous remarks are what is causing me to sit in my room wanting to skip class but having no real reason too. I feel like a hermit at times. And I feel myself disliking more and more people. I don't like it. But what can ya do?

Future Pt. 2

FUTURE CONT.

The previous blog about the past few weeks/month escalated into me thinking about what I want when I get out college. I thought for the longest time I would go live on my own, get a job in a school part time or whatever, and also have a part time job somewhere else like Red Robin. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that's not what I want. This is going to be the selfish sounding parts, and all of this is ultimately up to God.

I am tired of searching. Searching for love, career, everything. Whilst driving to school an overwhelming feeling of wanting to be done came over me. I am ready to settle down. I want to be able to go to classes, or work, and come home to someone. Relax at home with that special someone, buy groceries, cook food, etc for/with that someone. I'm ready to be content and happy and not trying to impress people because I have someone. In all honesty, I want to find someone I can help lead worship with. I want to be a part of a church, and find someone else that wants to be a part of a church as well. I never would’ve thought that I would want to marry a leader in a church, but I do. The idea of waking up every morning to someone I love, no matter the flaws and sins he commits, and living every day with him is something I crave. To sit and watch movies till late at night, then crawl into bed and just lay, feeling completely at home. Making him silly little letters to find in his papers at work to remind him how much I care, although he can tell just by my actions. To sit and know I can trust him with other people/girls, knowing that he likes me for me although I may make mistakes, and he chooses to help me fix them. Just to be able to sit in a room, no words and just know, to be happy just being in that room with him. I want to be able to help him and talk to him about his day at work over dinner, sing with him, do devotions with him, read the Bible together, share and learn things about each other everyday. I want to grow as one with someone.

This is such an odd and new feeling for me. I was always the person that thought it was good to date people, even if you didn’t think you’d marry them. To me, that was the purpose of dating, to figure out exactly what qualities you want in a spouse. You can’t fully know what qualities you want till you experience them. But I know what I want now. I only have a few main qualities and others fall behind it. Things such as being a Christian, funny, fun to be around, attractive (yes I am somewhat shallow), talented, and accepts me for me are important (not just those, only a few mentioned). I don’t want to be someone else’s second pick if they don’t even want me. But I am just ready to settle down. Okay marriage is maybe a little too soon, but I am ready to find that person and just be me and not worry etc. I want to make someone else as happy as they make me. I want to get my own place, with a dog, maybe a cat, and maybe eventually kids. I just, I feel ready to be at that point in my life, but I know in many ways I am not ready.

There are goals in my life that I need to start keeping for once, instead of letting them slip. I want to learn as much as possible about music, better myself in every way, and help others. I need to learn not to honestly care what some people think of me, and do things foremost for God, then myself.

I want to be a faithful wife, a caring mother, and more importantly a

servant of God.

I just have to be patient and wait to see what God wants for me. It will be a long and winding journey, but I know with God, I can do it. I don’t feel at home here, and this isn’t my home. But until I get home, I want to find a place here I can call a home. I am sorry if none of this comes out sounding to eloquent, and possibly not make sense. It’s kind of just following my train of thought, which itself is scattered. Don’t doubt that will be more blogs about stuff like this, there probably will. I just really wanted to write this down soon.

Future Pt. 1

FUTURE |ˈfyoō ch ər|noun--1:the time or a period of time following the moment of speaking or writing; time regarded as still to come. 2: a prospect of success or happiness.

What do you want in your future? Job wise, home, financial, relationship, spiritual wise, where do you plan on things going? This is something that has kind of plagued my mind for weeks now, really ever since I got turned down for a job. Okay, I'll lay it out for ya:

I came to RBC my freshman year in hopes of being a worship and music minister/or leader. Well, that same year I was told that being female, I wouldn't make it far. Put quite a damper on things, right? ha. Well, my mom kind of decided for me at that point that I would teach music. I liked babies, but not 3rd-5th graders, so I thought I'd teach high school. This required me to dual enroll at a nearby university, which I am currently still attending. Nothing seems wrong with the picture, right? Wrong. I still don't want to teach necessarily. Over the years of being here, I have helped lead worship at churches and in chapel and have loved every minute of it. If you read blogs prior to this, I continually talk about not knowing what I am called to do by God, but that I don't really want to teach (I'd rather perform or something). Though now that I think about it, perform is the wrong word. I still want to lead. I don't want the complete leadership role of talking and being the main vocalist/instrumentalist, but I want to help lead.

This job that I applied for was just something I figured I would do for experience and money. It was a job working with elementary kids (3rd-5th grade mainly) teaching them songs to do for church on Sundays. I didn't think highly of it, I just wanted to learn and be involved in a church somewhere because I feel so detached from churches. I can't seem to find one that I connect well in and I find myself church hopping =/ So I interviewed at the church, still weary about it. But after about 2 days I started to get really excited. I talked about it with a few friends (Mike and Conley) and weighed the pros and cons. But unfortunately, 2 weeks later they called and said I didn't get the job. Only reason being that I would not be here over the summer. My disappointment was greater than I had anticipated. I thought that after a few days I would get over it, yet I didn't. It still runs through my mind. Opportunity for what I originally wanted to do, sort of, slipped out of my hands for that moment. It stunk.

So this got me thinking, what do I really want in life? Sure there are things that I crave, or think I need, or think I want; most of the time those are just temporary things that don’t really matter. I needed to figure out what I wanted for my life. I have had a rush of emotions and thoughts the past month that I am simply boggled. There are good emotions, and bad, and of course neutral. There are times I feel I am completely comfortable and happy, and times that I feel so out of place. I feel like dropping out of school sometimes just to go on with life, then I think sometimes I want to learn as much as possible. It’s a basic feeling of not knowing what I want. I just know I want to do what God wants. There are certain things I feel I have been given the opportunity to fix, try again, and start. I don’t want to miss out on those, yet I don’t always see them. Fear has been the strongest emotion for me lately. I am scared that I am doing something wrong in school, relationships, family, every part of life. I don’t want to mess up. I want to be able to open myself up to someone again, without the fear of pain, but I can’t. It blows. I care so much, but I feel I can’t show it cause I am too scared to get close again. But the fear of messing up and not telling or showing my love is there as well. Flat out-I am scared....

One way to care?

Caring -|ˈke(ə)ri ng |-adjective: displaying kindness and concern for others


What does it mean for you to care for someone? Or better yet, how do you show you care? I care for people, Jesus cared for people (which I'll get to later on). Yet apparently, I don't show it correctly. But is there really a correct way of showing care, or concern?

After discussion with a few people, I have come to the conclusion that there is no one way to show that you care. There is the (1)care that it shown through discussion, "I care so much about you!" There is the (2)care showing through actions, such as buying someone gifts. Then there is the (3)care that requires you to involve yourself in someone else's life/business. But sometimes I think that one may actually do the opposite.

1: The verbal care for someone is often times the one most people strive to get, I think. I mean, yeah they want physical care and concern, but they’d rather hear about it. Let’s take these scenarios: When you are sick and in the hospital, you want people to say “Oh, I am praying for you!” or “I hope you get better!” anything along those lines, right? Right. When you miss classes for a day and don’t show, you want people to ask “Hey! Why weren’t you in class?” The verbal recognition of their concern appeals to you. You think, if they say it-they mean it.

2: Then there is the physical care. When a boyfriend buys you gifts, it’s cause he loves you and cares for you blah blah. Or, back to the scenarios: Whilst in the hospital, someone buys you a card, balloons, and flowers. Or gets your homework and test materials for you when you miss class. It shows they care to spend the money on you to show their love. This is where you’d insert, “action speak louder than words.” If a person can’t seem to say they love you, or say they care for you, they must be able to show it right?

3: Finally, the care that requires you to get involved. This is more in depth care. This kind of care comes from a relationship that isn’t surfaced based. This would be the type of relationship a best friend, sibling, or room mate would have. It’s great to be involved in their lives, but I think sometimes it can push a limit. Unfortunately, I can’t use the same two scenarios for this one. But lets say, your friend has been in this situation where you feel (s)he is getting herself in trouble, or possibly hurt (we will say emotionally, not physically). Keep in mind, this is the first time. I feel then, it would be okay to say something. Maybe mention to your friend that you think it’s not a good idea or something, but let (s)he make their own mistake (if it even is a mistake). Okay, flash forward to after they have gotten themselves in trouble, you’ve shared your opinions and feelings, yet! they decided to do it again. This is where I feel the fine line between care and reprimanding(?) gets hazy. It’s okay to mention to your friend, “Hey, ya know, you’ve kinda been down this road before. Are you sure you want to do it again?” But I feel that is all that should be said. If your friend chooses to make their mistake, let them. You are not their parent (well, maybe you are) nor their leader; you are their friend, their companion, their person to fall back on. And I know it can get tiring, especially if they do it habitually. But so what? That’s when you choose to either be there, or tell them to find someone else cause you can’t get them to notice it’s their habit. 
Now, if they come to you with this problem, don’t be afraid to listen. I think too often we are quick to judge or reprimand, rather than listen. And in all reality, you know that they’ve probably realized how stupid they were already, no need to throw it in their faces. But this is where it becomes a problem for me. I have family, and I have friends that if this were to happen between us, they would yell and reprimand me and scold me for my wrong doings. They feel that yelling shows how concerned they are, that if they show how much it irritates them they can get their point across. And I flat out hate it, and disagree. I know when my Mom cares, she doesn’t yell, she becomes quite. The stillness in her voice, the quietness of the room-you could hear a pin drop, but it’s actually the guilt or pain you hear thudding on the floor of your heart. I think it does more to be quiet to show you are hurt or care, more than it does to yell. Yelling puts people (or at least me) on the defense first, making me want to close my ears and not listen. So that is what I do. I stay calm.

I am told I can’t show care, love, concern very well, especially to other girls. This is true, and I think a big part of this is owed to a struggle I had. I’m not going to go into detail, but it made me feel very awkward around other girls, which today I still do. So me telling girls “I love you” or “I care for you” is very hard for me to do. Even making things for them is sometimes hard. I don’t have funds to go buy things to show I care, and I don’t always have the creative juices flowing to make things. Therefore, people think I don’t have the capacity to care. But I do! I have the capacity to love you more than you could imagine, I just can’t show it. I do a better job with guys, but even then it’s with guys I have crushes on. So because I don’t express it verbally or physically, I try and listen, try and help people with their problems. However, sometimes I find I fail in that department of concern as well. My friend may come to me angry about a situation in which they were stupid twice (meaning, did the same thing, was told not to do it again, and then did it), knowing that I had also done something similar. They expect me to reprimand them and call them hypocritical cause they yelled at me about it weeks before. Yet I don’t, I stay quiet and calm, letting them reflect on what they’ve told me and how they feel. I don’t put my input in, I don’t yell. To me, yelling is a lot like arguing, since it is a big part of it. Arguing gets you no where; it just hurts someone, if not both that are arguing. But these actions don’t satisfy the person, they’d rather I gave them my two sense. I feel that if you put your two sense in more than once, you are just pissing in the wind because they didn’t listen the first time. Also, what you or I may have to say, probably isn’t what they want to hear, and can hurt them. I know sometimes when I make a mistake, I just want to vent about it. Sometimes my friends like to tell me their opinions, which is okay, but the tone in which it is given could change sometimes. Anywho, I am just rambling now.

To answer my original question: no, I don’t think, I know there isn’t one way to show care/love. Look at Jesus, he did so many things verbally: telling the apostles he loved them, telling his Father he loved Him, etc. physically, such as: feeding the multitudes of people, gathering with the disciples, washing their feet. And he also listened to people with their problems. He would give his two cents (but Jesus’ two cents is worth a LOT more than ours haha) and would help them. He would reprimand where needed, he wasn’t afraid to raise his voice, or cry with them. If Jesus could show care/love in those ways, we can too. People just need to understand that there is no right or wrong way of showing it. There is just a way you prefer over others, and people can’t read your mind to know.

complete adoration

Adore |əˈdôr| : verb [ trans. ]-love and respect (someone) deeply

So what does adore mean to you? In any sense, what does it mean? Do you adore something? A necklace, a guitar, a song, a sport? Or a person? God, your Mom, Dad, boyfriend/girlfriend? There is always something that people adore, whether they see it or not, whether it is an object or person, it is there. And while I adore God a lot, no words to describe how awesome He is, this blog..is not about Him.

In the past few weeks I think I have come to understand what this feeling I had was. It felt amazing, yet it hurt all at the same time. I thought it was towards something, then I realized it was towards someONE (Who shall remain nameless). This person is, of course a guy, but not just any guy. He is the guy that most people deep down, don't really like all the time. Yet I can't find any hatred or disgusting thing about him. I mean, I know he does this that are wrong, or treats people not so nicely all the time, but I don't dislike him for it. In fact, it makes me like him because he tries to fix it. Ya know, I don't think "like" is even a good word to use for this, but I probably will anyways. For the longest time I didn't know what it meant to like someone, but not have to be with them all the time. I told every guy I liked that I did know, so they wouldn't think I was clingy. In all reality I had, and still have, some trust issues. I thought to like someone or to be "talking" you had to be around each other or texting each other all the time. I thought there needed to be some sort of conversing 24/7 or else it would be awkward, unless you were watching a movie. But this guy taught me a lot-mainly he taught me that I needed to grow up, and get out of the fantasy world of relationships. Now, I can enjoy doing activities with people, but just as much enjoy the quiet and relaxing times. I've grown to like those quiet and relaxing times more actually. In the past, if I liked someone and they walked in the room, I would pounce on them I guess you could say. I was right at their side, and it was flat out annoy I bet. Now, when this person walks in, I just keep going about my business. Yeah, I wish at times he would come talk to me and what not, but it's not my main focus. The reason I posted the definition of adore at the top was because I think this is the feeling I get from him. Not from him to me, but the feeling I have towards him. I get so nervous around people, yet when he walks in a room, or is around, a sense of calm and pleasantness comes over me like I've never felt before. Even when he just makes eye contact with me, I feel different. And when he smiles at me, oh man, I feel like no one else is around. I feel my face brighten up, and can't help but smile back with that stupid huge smile of mine because I am so happy. I am extremely comfortable with him, in every situation or environment, and like I said, I don't ever seem to get irritated by him anymore. It's a feeling I've never had towards a guy, a sense of pure happiness. No stress, no anger, no more worries, nothing but joy.

Yet when the day is over, the joy is gone. Why? It's not because I think he doesn't notice me, or because he may not like me (although that in its own way sucks). It is because I have all this emotion, all this feeling of pure, unaffected love for him and there is no way for me to express it to him. It's bottled up, waiting to explode. I am afraid to express it to him, mainly for fear of rejection, yes. Not a "I don't like you at all Erin," but a "I'm sorry, there is no way I could nor would ever feel the same." Not to mention, I wouldn't want things to get awkward. I enjoy being in his company that if it got awkward, I'd feel like the freshmen girl in college that has to win his friendship all over again. And after all I've gone through with this..I don't think my heart could take it. (Not saying I'll die ha, no no no). For the longest time I couldn't put this on here because I couldn't figure out how to write these feelings out. And in all honesty, still no words can describe this as well as I'd like. But you know the funny thing? Before I wrote this, I looked up different definitions, and I looked up his name on urban dictionary. Someone had written a funny little definition for his name, yet I feel that it helps me express what I feel:

The most amazing boy in the world. He is quiet around the masses but he opens up around the one he loves. He is extraordinarily protective in the best of ways. He can and will make you laugh harder than anyone else. He is the most adorable, cute, nice, sweet, kind, generous, loving, caring, genuine, funny, considerate, awesome person I have ever met. Every moment of my life would be better if I could spend it with him. His smile can make my day; even if it’s from across the room. I love him more than the sun, I need him more than breath it’s self. I can’t imagine my life without him; it scares me more than anything. I will spend the rest of my life in his arms.

Okay, the last few lines are borderline creepy/high schoolish. But you get the point. I just don't know what to do. I can't tell him really for my fear is so great. Yet, I feel if I don't I may miss out on something important. This year I made a plan not to focus on guys, not to try and get a boyfriend or anything this year. I don't want to be a hinderance to someone else in any way if I, myself, am not straight: spiritually mainly. (While we both probably have a lot to work on, he is the only one that has ever, I think, really influenced me spiritually or helped me in that way). I am going to work on my grades and school work, and work on my spiritual life, and flat out:grow up. I am working on it. I think at times I am succeeding, and it feels great. My focus is still in all the right places, but he is constantly in the back of my mind, I seriously can't get him off my mind. He isn't distracting, for once, nor do I think he would be again. It's like my crush itself has matured to an adoration that I simply adore everything about it, and never want to see him go. And I think that is what I am trying to say. Maybe? eh..lol. I don't know. Thoughts? Feel free to share what you adore, think, feel anything. :) Night.