Just a quick one

Alright, this is going to be a quick one. When I'am able to see what I am typing-I promise to write a more entertaining post.

Why am I unable to see my writing you may ask? Well, I am not quite sure. I believe my battery on the mac has turned into crud and therefore my backlight is not staying lit. I have my fingers crossed it is nothing more serious. So I get to go to Virginia tomorrow and get that fixed.

In other news, my grades are really good (all A's) so that is exciting.

I seem to be having a harder time saving money with this job I have. So no progress on the tattoo's department-sad day.

I am picking up a regular exercise routine. Now just need to get my meal and sleep routine regular.

I think, am almost 100% positive, what I would like to do when I graduate (haha I sound like a high schooler). More details on that another time.

I have seen David Crowder twice now. oh. my. gosh. Definitely discussion on that later.

I believe that is all I can really think of at the moment.

hum..oh yeah..

IT'S FALL!!!!!! :D

Scrambled

Nothing new has really happened in life. I still have a sense of nostalgia that I would LOVE to go away, now. Alas, it does not. School is becoming harder and harder. The work is not bad, but it is the lack of motivation. All I have dreamt about lately, day in and day out, is packing up the essentials and just going. Selling my car to get one with better gas mileage and no roof (maybe) and just trekking across the wonderful United States of America, with no care, no rhyme or reason. I just want to leave all of "this," whatever "this" is. I constantly feel suffocated or like people just don't care. There is no in between feeling for me. Sucky.

I'm sure as you are reading this you might be thinking, "But Erin, it just sounds like you are trying to run away from reality." And you know what, in a sense, I am. I want change, like I've written about so many times before. But I feel I can't do so much change where I am. So I want to branch out-leave everything & everyone, and start over. I don't want to deal with the stress and drama I face everyday. I don't want to sit here and fret over whether or not I am where God wants me to be. Or worry if I will make it as a worship leader, or if I am even cut out for it. It's beginning to be too much. I think I am good at something, and then I get knocked down. I should persevere and keep going, but I can't find the strength to anymore. (I am in no way trying to be depressing. In fact, as I write this, I am not depressed, rather anxious cause I really just want to GO!) I'm not sure where I am going, what I am doing, or what any outcomes will be. In a way, I am okay with that while other times it scares the crap out of me. I mean, graduation is soon-what in the world am I going to do?? I have to make new plans since others fell through, but I don't care too. I want to be a "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of person. Is that so wrong?

Have you ever seen the movie "Into the Wild?" That's what I want to do right now. Maybe not in the woods necessarily, but I want to detach from everything around me and focus on my relationship with God. I want to grow. Step out of comfort zones and be at peace and know better, understand more, just be more for God. ahhhh lol. alright, that is all for now.

Let's see what happens.

As of late

Struggling. Lately, I have been struggling. It is the second week of school but my mind feels as if it should be the last week. It is as if I am spreading myself thin, yet I am not involved in that much here at school. More so, I have been living in the past-in a state of nostalgia. It can be good, but at the same time can beat me down in a heart beat..

nostalgia |näˈstaljə; nə-|

a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.

See-the definition itself even says 'happy.' So what is wrong with it? For me, everything. I find myself wanting the life I had not even a year ago, and it is unattainable. So in order to cover that longing I am doing everything I can. I am hanging out with people I never would have last semester, volunteering to do things that I normally wouldn't, literally any and every thing. I pawn it off saying that since I am a senior I want my last year to be fantastic-this holds some truth, yes. Yet for the most part I am just trying to keep my mind occupied. I miss the way some aspects of life were-the activities (ping pong-NO ONE PLAYS ANYMORE!! ugh), the people, the connections, and the simplicity. This year I am constantly walking on pins and needles, trying to not cross fine lines between what was and what is. It is not that I am living outside of reality, no ma'am. I am VERY aware of the reality. It's more so that I just don't like the reality.

But like I said, this can be good. See, in trying to cover this feeling I am branching out. I have problems with assuming, worrying/fretting, and being nervous about things that are out of my hands-always have. But I am almost to the point I was my freshmen year. Someone once told me that they loved me for the "bubbly, happy, beautiful girl" I was freshmen year. I would constantly say "that's not me, that's not who I really am." But it's a lie. If I could act like that freshmen year, then of course that was a part of who I am. I want to get that back. I want to be carefree again. So I am trying, and for the most part I think it is working. But that is where I get tired physically and emotionally. Because in the back of my head I am still worrying about one particular thing. The two combined, the thoughts and making sure to branch out, in my mind is so heavy. You cannot be truly happy unless God is the source of your happiness. Spiritual happiness-yep, God is the source there. But emotionally, not so much. I feel like there is a hole inside me that needs filling, that physical and emotional attachment. I need to fix that hole with God. Things are never going to be what they used to be. It is obvious. Though I would drop everything I have, pack up and go for it-it is not happening. The plans I had made are no longer; need tweaking. That is the reality I don't want to face. I want everything to be happy and okay because thats who I am. I like things to be easy, happy, okay, and everybody get along. BUT it's not reality. Reality is that things change, people change, they move on, life keeps going. People go in and out of your life, help you and hurt you. Shady. Same with everything, jobs even. But you have to learn to keep on truckin'.

These are incomplete and scrambled thoughts. For that, I apologize. I just wanted to sort of let out what is building up inside lately. I hate asking for it, but those of you who read this-could you pray that i just get some sort of clarity, peace of mind here soon. before i go crazy ha. thanks so much guys.

Tomorrow is the "first" day of school for some. Class don't start till 5pm however. Luckily, I don't have a night class this year-thank goodness. So Tuesday will technically be my first day. Everyone has moved back into the dorms as of tonight. It is nice to see some new and old faces. I've missed people. I am not ready for classes though. Actually, I am just not ready for this year. Part of me wants to just pick up and move elsewhere and not deal with all of this. Yet I am so close to being done that I would be dumb to just quit now. It still doesn't feel like I am a senior. I feel like since I am a senior I have more responsibilities, but I don't really. Like, I should come up with more cool ideas for activities and socialize more with other students. I've already started to, but it iss exhausting for me. I got so wrapped up in a small circle of people last semester that became easy and I could handle it. This semester I am having to branch out and actually get used to everyone saying hi to me again. It's not bad, just hard for me to keep track of everyone haha.

I just don't feel ready, and I don't like it. I'm praying that God gives me the strength, courage, and peace of mind to handle everything as it comes. I have faith that God will provide, I just need to stay open to Him. So a few prayers from you guys would be greatly appreciated. Thanks :)

I don't really have anything else to update on the moment. oh! I am starting to write music and draw again. It feels good. Okay, now I am done. Laterr

Ready or Not

Tomorrow marks the beginning of my senior year here at college. A wave of emotions flood over me while I write this blog tonight. I am excited for I will be done in a year and able to go on and live my life without homework, ha. Yet part of me is real nervous. I'm not sure where I am going or what I'll be doing. You know those people who map their lives out from high school and follow the plan till marriage? How do they do it?? Life throws me so many curve balls that I don't see how I could map my life out and expect it to pan out as such. I know it won't. So while I am excited about being done, I'm nervous about the end also.

Gosh, nerves don't even begin to describe my feeling right now. I am not ready for this year. I don't have control over every aspect of my life and I can't breath when I think about it. I am a control freak: I like to be in the know, to be able to do what I can to achieve or avoid things. I hate feeling left out. It is impossible to have complete and utter control of every aspect, I know. But it is hard to let God have it sometimes. I forget that God has a reason and a plan. While things may hurt or seem chaotic now, it will all eventually make sense.

I feel like tonight (SNL) was something I needed for a moment. Watching those teens pour their hearts out to God through worship-no words can describe how great it was. I miss being able to just worship, not worrying what people think of my voice or my actions during worship. Being free and feeling like it's just God and me. I envied those teens tonight that raised their hands and sang to their Father. Yet I let so much weigh me down, and get in the way, that I can't focus on just God. And when I did focus, for a split second closing my eyes, as soon as they opened reality kicked back in and I felt so small, so overwhelmed. All the stress came back, the worry, the drama, the "what-ifs."

Tonight was an eye-opener, both during and after SNL. I've realized so much in about 2 1/2 hours that I'm not going to share on here. Things will change, some for the better, some for the worse. I can't control it, I'm not supposed too. That's going to be the hardest part. I said I was ready to be done with school earlier, right? Tonight, I wish things were like they used to be..

Lean on Me

Let me just say this first: I am exhausted, so if what I write makes no sense or seems all over the place-it probably is. :)

To me, a relationship is any sort of "ship" you have with something or someone. This can be relationships like boyfriend and girlfriend, husband and wife, parent and child, or also friendships. I'm sure there is a better word to tie all of these together, but when I use the word relationship I am not necessarily referring to dating or marriage. Had to get that straight.

Relationship is defined as:

|riˈlā sh ənˌ sh ip|noun- the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected

The word "friend" means someone you like who also likes you. This liking involves a "friendship kind of" affection based often on personality and common likes and interests

This is important in life, to have relationships with people. Not all relationships are good or bad, some relationships don't even have an effect on your life. Yet there are those relationships that do affect you. You meet people that change who you are, that influence you for the good and the bad. People that come and go in your life, people that are always going to be there. But no matter what, these relationships are important.

Practically, they are crucial to emotional and personal development. We learn to become who we do in part through our history with relationships. Some people get stuck in their development in a self-absorption stage and never move forward into give-and-take relationships that inevitable require some level of death to the self. These people are not only friendless, but they usually tend to have a diminished capacity to give and receive love of all kinds, including marital love. But all that is beside the point. Relationships are good not only personally, but also for our moral development. I mean, it offers a second person with whom we share our thoughts, feelings, judgements and criticisms. A guy named Paul Wadell wrote “One reason we have friends is that there is a good we share with them, but the reason friendships grow and become such a delight is that we cannot be good without them, indeed, we cannot be good at all.”

The Bible shares many views on relationships, both romantic and friends. Eccles. 4 discusses the rewards of friendship, which are practical rewards. The psalms offer the fact that our friends will even betray us and that the search for a true friend will lead us to the conclusion that we can only rely on God. However, the value and pleasure of the bond between like-minded people is exalted in Psalm 133:1- “Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity.”

Lately, I have been working on getting these relationships back with people that I had. People that I neglected for others. I pushed them to the side thinking it wouldn't matter in the long run if we were friends. And still right now, there are some people that I don't know if it is worth it. However, I will still try because I don't know, only God does. Someone that I think could be in my life 'forever' may only be around a short time, while someone I would think wouldn't last past college could turn out to be someone I share a porch and twenty cats with in my eighties. haha. For the record, I hope I don't become an old cat lady...anyways. I guess what I am trying to get across is that, think about the people in your life, the people that have come and gone because either they chose to leave or cut them out. Should you? Was it for your benefit or just bitterness. Think about the friendships you have, are they give and take more so on their side or yours, or do you actually neglect them as a friend. Kick them to the curb to pick them up whenever you want. Is it worth it? There are people who will be in your life whether you want them to or not sometimes, in my opinion. And for you, there is always going to be someone who you would take a bullet for though they could seem to care less. But don’t let their actions be a reflection for you to your other friends. Always be there for them, don’t cut them out because of an argument, a breakup gone bad, a difference in views, or over petty things. You never know when you may need them. I am grateful to the people that have not let me down or chosen to not be my friend again. Thanks for the second chance.

"A true friend can never have a hidden motive for being a friend. He can have no hidden agenda. A friend is simply a friend, for the sake of friendship. In a much greater way, love for God is love for God’s own sake. Bernard of Clairvaux wrote that our natural inclination is to love for our own sake. When we learn to love God, we still love him for our own sake. As we grow in friendship with God, we come to love him not just for ourselves alone, but also for God’s sake. At last, we may reach a point where we love even ourselves for the sake of God."

God shapes you to be who he wants. But don’t think for a second that what you do, how you act, or who you hang out with don’t also change you. God is love and God is friendship. He loved all and cared deeply about his relationships with people. Maybe we should too.

Something to ponder...

Part deux?

I stated in my last blog that I probably had a few other things to add to my “list” and well, here they are:

- I want a change of scenery so bad. Take a road trip, move somewhere for a few months, I don’t care. I’m just craving something new, something different. That new movie “Eat Pray Love” basically is what I want to do ha. But seriously, around winter time-I want to go to New York City. I mean, going with a few friends and that someone special with it snowing, drinking hot chocolate or coffee, and cuddling in front of a fireplace, mmm. Sounds absolutely wonderful. Have I mentioned I love snow and winter time? Lol.

- On that note, I would love to go snowboarding this year. I have never gone and want to try it so bad!

- I am trying to get people to go on a game show with me. I want to make some easy money with friends :) I have the perfect team in my head, though I don’t think it will assemble like so. We shall see.

UPDATE: No one in elizabeth city seems to be able to help me out with my tattoo. Talk about irritating.

- I am tired of fake people who use others. Flat out-dumb. hypocrites.

- I have seen soo many movies in the past two weeks that I’m surprised I haven’t gone bankrupt. “Inception” by far is my favorite so far, with “Grown Ups” coming in behind it. I can’t wait to see “Dinner with Schmucks” with Anna on Monday!!! I heart Steve lol. Also, “The Expendables” looks promising. "Going the Distance" I have to see cause of Justin Long, yet I think I will hate it. haha.

- There are two shows coming up that I can’t seem to find anyone to go with. Sucky. The Civil Wars is playing back home, if I can’t find someone who likes them, I’ll just get an old friend to tag along maybe. Also, NEEDTOBREATHE is playing in Portsmouth. I have asked about 24 people and they have all said no. I can only think of one person left to ask, buuuuuutt. Yeah. Anyways. Interested in going??

- I have talked about starting p90x like 20 times. I never seem to get past the first 4 discs ha. But there is two weeks left till school starts (including my intensive week). My goal is to get a start on this for the two weeks. I want to actually do this haha.

- My job got real interesting just since my last blog. It was like the first month I worked there everyone was hesitant on what they said and did around me since they knew I went to a Bible College. This month it’s like “let’s see if we can push Erin’s button.” I’ve never felt so overwhelmed about gay rights, cursing and things. I mean, I can handle it, I guess I just didn’t expect it at a work place.

- Watching “Balls of Fury,” I miss playing ping pong. That is all.

- So old, antique, classic cars (pick the adjective you prefer) are a weakness of mine. Mainly old pick up trucks. Just the other day there were two down the street for sale. Man did I want to buy them! I don’t look like a girl that likes trucks, or even cars, but they are soooo awesome! Haha. From old sports cars like James Bond would have (I heart James Bond movies btdubs) to pickup trucks, pop shop cars, to my ultimate favorite. Just click on this link, she is a beauty. I love this thing and want one so bad. I mean does this alone not look cool?? The only other car that could rival with her would be this. (For the record, that is not the exact car, but I could not find the one I really wanted. But it gives you the proper thought). Gosh I would love to have this one, drive to the beach everyday with my stuff on top, my feet hanging out the windows, friends in the back. So cool.

That’s all for now. Take care!

Part 1

So I just have a few things I want to share/get out.

- I have been doing a lot of reading lately. This includes books, blogs, and even the newspaper (not just the comic section). Makes me feel good to read, yet I think I need a new topic. All the books I’ve read are generally about the same thing, and it’s getting kind of old. Any book suggestions??

- Work is getting a bit better. I really enjoy my boss Josh. He is definitely a refresher to the previous bosses and co-workers I have/had. He doesn’t sit around and cuss and talk trash about customers, he talks about decent things! Other co-workers are good too, lol. It is definitely a new experience at BR.

- School starts back up soon. Well, intensives first, then school. Mixed emotions. Ready to be back around some people, others not so much. Sort of ready for the work load, yet I need to figure out what I’m going to do with online classes. I don’t have a great work ethic for them, so I’m thinking maybe I can sit in the back of a class to do work? Maybe. I’m hoping I can do more work with worship and such at school. With circumstances having changed, I doubt I will, but hopefully I can.

- That being said: I am a senior. In college. Crazy. I thought I had my life all mapped out at the beginning of this summer as to what my plans were after I graduated, and now I am back in that “let’s see where life leads me” stage. Sucky in so many ways. Not to mention it adds to my stress. I want to do something with music and a church, but I don’t know God’s plan for me. Soo, let’s see where life leads me! Ha

- I am itching to get a new tattoo. I’ve got two ideas in my head that I can’t get out. I am not going to go into much detail here for a few reasons. 1) getting tattoos is something for me, not necessarily for others. I don’t get them to show them off to everyone I see and boast about how many I have. The one I’ve got now was to sort of symbolize my passion, and it is in a place that I could technically show others, yet is more for me and whoever I am close with in the end. If that makes sense haha. 2) After having a discussion with someone last semester about placement of tattoos, he convinced me that I didn’t really need to let everyone see them. If they are on my arm or calf fine, if they are anywhere else then keep it to myself. 3) I don’t know if or when I will be getting thought of tattoos, but why go into detail and risk my super sweeeet ideas being taken by others? Ha just kidding, but seriously. I am itching, but it takes a lot for me to follow through with tattoos and piercings.

- Speaking of itching, I want to go camping sooo BAD. You have no idea. Everyday I drive, I wish I could just stop time and sit on the hood of my car and stare at the sunset. Or just lay out at night and stare at the stars. I would LOVE to see a sunrise. I have never seen the sunrise in my entire life. I’ve been up early enough, but been inside or something and missed it. Sad, I know.

- I am REALLY bad at updating my other blog. I have all these topics written out on my computer, but they are incomplete. Therefore, I feel they are unworthy of being posted on my blog. I really should finish them. Maybe at another time.

These are just a few of the things on my mind today. I’m sure I will blog later, or tomorrow about some more that I feel didn’t “fit” with what I wrote. Laterr.

"Lucy! You've got some splaining to do"

Earlier this evening, while sitting with my mom at California Pizza Kitchen, I had some thoughts pop into my head. Being the girl that I am, I tweeted said thoughts and I feel as if they did not come out as intended. But since they had already been seen/read, I felt it was pointless to erase it.

"Ever wondered if maybe it was just the idea of something in your life that you missed, and not really you missing that something?" -(this was the tweet)

Very confusing, right? I realized after sending it that it probably did not make any sense. I mean, I used the word miss(ed) twice, and something twice, basically being completely vague.

[side note: i wish i had my snuggie now, for my arms are freezing lolz]

While my tweet was as open ended as possible, the "something" as to which I was thinking of was specific. (making any sense?)

I feel like often times in our lives we have to step back and think about what it is that we miss. Sometimes we miss activities, friends, ex's, ha even school. But in some ways, it's more the fact that we miss the "idea" of those things. Example? I've said a few times before that I miss running. Sure, sometimes I may-the feeling of energy, losing weight, sweating, feeling of accomplishment. Yet when I really think about it, I miss the idea of running. I don't really miss having to get up and run 5 miles a day to accomplish goals, I'd much rather be lazy.

Hopefully that made some more sense. If not, well, the next example is going to be a bit personal, and will be hard vaguely explain-so here I go pouring it out ha. My Mother, bless her heart, this evening was trying to "find me a dude" haha. She would sit and point out all the guys that she thought I would think were cute. Granted, she wasn't far off base, but she thinks that in light of this summer, what I really miss is the "idea" of a boyfriend. So she tries to perk me up with finding me a new one? Nice of her and all, but no thanks. This has been a situation where I have been able to take a step back, out of my position and think, do I really miss the idea or do i really miss the person? Sure, I miss perks of a relationship: having someone to call or text when something great happens or something bad happens, even just call to hear their voice, to send random pictures of something that reminds you of them, tell someone you love them that they make you happy, spend money on them, quality time with them- who wouldn't? But that's not the case. I genuinely miss the person. (another side note: this isn't me "not letting go" or "hoping for the best" this isn't even me trying to do anything really; just venting). Sure, I miss what we had and everything, I thought it was good but apparently things change. Yet I didn't sit with my Mom tonight and say "I miss making out with so and so" rather "I miss making jokes with so and so", "Only he could make me laugh in this funk" or "I miss getting his opinion on things especially now that Kam (my brother) is the only dude I can ask" lol. There is a difference between missing the idea of what a person was and missing that person. I miss both, more so the latter.

People change, and people will fall in and out of your life. I feel it is ultimately your decision as to whether or not certain people fall out of yours. If someone, or something, really means a lot to you-it is up to you to make sure that they stick around. Granted, if they just pick up and leave, all you can do is try. As seasons change, so does your life. Don't be afraid to take a step back and examine your life, the people in it, the decisions you are making. Not every decision can be made with the heart alone, yet the mind also cannot make all the decisions. You have to think, as well as feel. God made us complex human beings for a reason. Life can't always be so simple.

"I'm going to miss you when you go."

"I will miss you too, but you are wrong if you think that the joy of life comes principally from the joy of human relationships. God's place is all around us, it is in everything and in anything we can experience. People just need to change the way they look at things."

-- Ron Franz and Christopher McCandless 'Into the Wild'

Out There

Outdoors I love being outdoors. Tonight while I write this, I am laying out on the hood of my car under the stars. I couldn't be more calm and happy. There is just something relaxing, better yet soothing, to me about all of what goes on outside. At night, hearing the crickets chirp, seeing the lightening bugs fly around, feeling the cool breeze after a hot day, knowing that God created all this. In this very moment, it is me and God and noone else (technically speaking). It's breathtaking.

Psalm 24:1-2

The earth is the LORD's and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; for he founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters.

I wish I could be outside all day, every day. Camp last week reminded me of that. I've gotten used to AC and fans and not to sweating. At one point I was immune to sweat from all the work I would do with dance and sports. Now sweating has become a gross thing. But I love sweating again. I understand that is gross as can be to most people, but for me it has its perks/feeling of accomplishment. I love the sun beating down on me during the day, playing in the sprinklers, mowing the grass, drinking tall glasses of tea and lemonade, hanging out with friends, riding bikes, and any other outdoors activities. And then to have all that come to sort of a close at night. Where it is just calm, peaceful, and quiet. Maybe friends stay for lounging on a hammock, or story time by a bonfire. Whatever the case, the occasion, I love being outside. I miss going camping with my family, joining in on the boy scouts activities with my brother and Dad. Nothing beats learning to build your own fire without matches! Speaking of camping-I REALLY want to go soon, like bad.

I think if I could move somewhere and live in a hut, I would be fine. Sure I would miss the high-tech electronics, fancy furniture, and AC, but seriously-just to be able to spend my days outside in God's creation 24/7 would be the deal. Words just can't describe my love for it. I know it hasn't shown as of late, especially while in college, because I have become accustom to the inside and all its greatness. But if I could simply camp outside the rest of my summer.. I would.

Let's live out in God's nature! :) lol.

Camp

I have missed camp.

Last summer I was on a recruitment team with the college that travelled to different camps working with teens. At that time, I was having fun but didn't want to do it again. At least that is what I thought. Thus far, the summer has been brutal partially due to not working at camps. Although the camp "week" I just came home from was only about 2 1/2 days, I loved it! I miss scheduled activities that never work without change, the kids/teens fussing and complaining about the heat, the food that reminds me of high school, having to strategically plan my morning routine for exercise and shower, late nights with early mornings, and the overall feel of grodyness. i love sweating too, as weird as that is to some people. Working with kids, setting examples for them, teaching them, helping them grow in their walk with Christ- I.LOVE.IT! These 2 1/2 days were the greatest days of my summer.

Whether or not I made an impact on these kids this week, since they were all so young, I feel like the kids learned so much from the week. (I have kids messaging me on facebook about me not being at camp again this year-1)breaks my heart cause i want to be there with them, 2)feels great to know that the remember and some have even told me the impact others and myself made on their lives). As young as these kids were, they had an impact on me. They helped me remember what life should be like in ways like the simplicity of it all, etc. Camp is never about yourself, me. It is always about the kids and their experience and relationship with God. However, I have to say that camp is exactly what I need sometimes too. The lessons they learn are ones that I need to be reminded of sometimes. God is really good and works in ways we can't imagine. Gah, no word can describe my feelings towards camp right now. I miss it, I am super bummed I won't be back at camp next week anymore.

I needed this week.

Highlights: having all girls in my group haha, singing with Jordan and Mike while Molly and few other girls did the dances with us, thunderstorms involving girls screaming in fear, Jordan's "bff", the water balloons hitting Chris and I, little boys writing letters to Mom saying "Hae" (hey) :D, ice cream fail, hoedown throwdown, running to put clues out for a game only to have it rain right after, color game in the pool...basically the whole time haha.

Learning Experience

So this summer has proven to be a learning experience on many levels.

For those that don't know, I chose to spend my summer "house sitting" for a friend. Thinking this was going to be great cause I'd get away from home, be on my own, and honestly be an hour closer to someone, reality quickly slapped me in the face. I spent weeks looking for a job, feeling lonely, wanting to move back home, and even ready for school to start back up. Which, side note-I am a Senior in college...I am graduating in May. I can't believe it. In some ways I think I am ready, in others I am still very naive.

So, I'd like to share some of the stuff I have learned while being here.

1- Always make sure your plans are firm :
coming to stay here I thought I already had a job, and was quickly let go. I spent the next month looking for something else to do, when in reality I should've probably just gone home.

2- Don’t ever make decisions based on want alone :
part of me stayed because I wanted to be on my own. Clearly, I was not fully prepared for the responsibility.

3- Whether single or not, loneliness will always be around the corner :
even when I still had a boyfriend there were times I felt really lonely in a house by myself. Unfortunately, where I am living isn’t a place to find a bunch of people to hang out 24/7.

4- If you aren’t willing to make the drive, don’t get a job far away :
the day I got a phone call back about the job at Banana Republic, I was so stoked. Mike had gotten me in with a manager and I thought this was a dream come true. Yet now I find myself hating the job. It is awkward there, and takes so much gas. Not to mention the drive-talk about lonely times. I regret not taking that job at camp, don’t get me wrong, I am appreciative I even have the job I do, but I miss camp, I miss working with kids and making a difference, playing sports doing what I love while furthering God’s Kingdom.

5- Don’t make someone a priority, if they are not going to do the same :
No matter how much you put into a relationship of any sort, if the other half isn’t willing to make the same sacrifices and such then where is the relationship headed?

6- Convenience is in everyone’s blood :
I don’t care who you are, what the relationship is, 9 times out of 10 if you are not within the vicinity of someone, then they will not make an effort to keep you. Facebook is great and all, but that isn’t how most people like to keep in touch with people. I get you can live far away from people, but a phone call or text is nice. I am even guilty of this. I don’t speak a word to friends back home until I am there.

7- Don’t plan your life around someone else :
This is an honest and rather mean part, and I apologize in advance. I stayed in this town due to someone else. I thought that being at least an hour closer (than if I had moved home) would make the distance easier. I could handle the loneliness and everything knowing I could talk/hang out with him once and a while.It all goes back to the convenience thing. I had planned the next year or so around my feelings for him, only to have it all thrown at me. I am sorry I wasn’t all that he wanted me to be, and that I couldn’t just let him acknowledge me whenever. That was hard for me. I don’t regret any decisions in relation to this person, never will. But I do regret choosing to stay here if this was all going to happen eventually.

8- No matter how much you try, if someone doesn’t want to talk to you, they will make that happen :
I don’t even think this one needs explaining really.

9- You can’t wash a load of clothes twice without the washer overflooding :
yeah..this happened this morning. Pissed.

10- Most of the time, people will tell you what you want to hear :
No one likes to hurt people, so they tell them what they want to hear, not the truth. Or they tell them things to make the situation easier on them, and then give them the harsh truth later. They will sugarcoat things.

11- People will lie :
this kind of goes with number 10. If you don’t want something, or you know in your head something and how it will play out-just say so. Don’t tell people one thing and then act another way, or crush them later.

12- You will miss people :
again, not much explaining. I miss certain people, not for reason others will assume. The comfortable conversation I had with a person is what I miss, just being able to talk about whatever, whenever. (Goes back to #8)

13- Life is unfair :
people change, they stop caring or they start caring, they love then they hate you, you try to make things perfect and someone or something will always throw a wrench in your bicycle wheel. And there is nothing you can do about it. What you may think as being perfect, someone else may not.

14- Negative, negative, negative :
That is what most people care to hear about, though the won’t admit it. The “juicy gossip.” And once they have negative thoughts in their head, they stick there. Had this discussion with a friend the other day about his significant other. In break ups and fights, the thing most thought about is the negatives- “well he never did that, well she was always doing this, hate hate hate etc.” rarely do they take time to step back and remember the positives “Well she was always there for me, he bought me gifts, she accepted me, etc etc” and in the heat of those moments you can’t get them to “see the light” you have to let them realize it on their own. It’s killer..

15- There will always be people who like you for YOU, not who you are with :
I thought for the longest time that most of the people I came to hang out with last semester were friends with me because of who I was with. As it turns out, that is not the case. Some have proven me right, while others have proven me wrong. It is great to know that the people I loved being around with him, I can still be around.

16- in hardship, it doesn’t matter what people tell you, it only matters what the other side of the situation says :
and you arent always going to fully know how to react and what to say or do. And it sucks.

17- Along with the hardships, the only one who can make you feel better is God :
I have always been the kind of person that whoever breaks me is the only one who can comfort me. In reality, that has never been true but with the recent person. Other guys have dumped me and I never wanted to see them. I feel at times he is the only physical human being who can comfort me, but I have to remember that he wont. That God is the one I need to rely on.

18- In life, there are always going to be people who break you :
there is really nothing you can do about it but smile and go on. They will always let you down. But not God! Haha

19- Love, Love, Love till you can’t Love anymore :
You can love someone with everything you are, every inch of your being and not get the same response back. But that doesn’t mean don’t love them. Keep loving that person even till there is nothing physically there, and past that physical love. God calls us to love one another, so why not? Just because you don’t get that love back like you want, because you love someone who doesn’t love you back, don’t stop loving. There are always people out there who will Love you.

20- Life is full of surprises

21- Men and women think differently :
Thanks to Amanda Avery, I have been reading “Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting in Your Differences” and let me tell you, its so on point. Though it is hard to keep in mind what the book says sometimes, it makes things well, make more sense.

22- Online classes suck :
I can never find the motivation to do my work. This is going to be hard because all my classes next year are pretty much online.

23- All this alone time is perfect for getting back in the Word :
I neglected my relationship with God so much in the past year. I believe in Him, my faith was strong, but I wasn’t filling my cup with Him. I have had a chance to read books I want to read, and read the Bible. It is great!

24- I never realized how much I do for people who I care about :
This isn’t me trying to be prideful, I have just been reminded lately that I tend to give. It makes me feel good because lately all I have felt is like I have tried to take and take.

25- “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find, you get what you need ” :
Rolling Stones couldn’t have put it in better words. Life has its ups and downs, sometimes you get what you hope and pray for and other times God flat out says no. It is nothing to blame Him for, it is just life. He created us to be obedient and do all things for and through Him, yet often we forget and just ask and take. God has a plan for each and everyone of us, but we don’t know that plan, He doesn’t tell us. It is killer for those of us who like to be in control. Whether you want that perfect job, or man in your life, if you think you found it and it slips between your fingers it may not be over, or maybe it is. Only God knows the outcome. Things always have a way of working out.

Sorry this was A-long and B-kind of depressing. These are just a few of the things I have learned recently. It is not meant to make anyone angry, or whatever, its just my thoughts. I want to thank those of you reading this that have been here lately, I really appreciate every one of you. I hope this summer will continue to teach me about things, and help me mature into the person God wants me to be. I don’t know His plan for me, I don’t know home much time it will take for things to get better, I just know He loves me.

Sooo you should tell me what you think, honestly. lol

Don't read if you don't care.

Lately I have had an urge to do nothing. I can't focus. anyways.

I failed my test, again, for my online class. i won't be surprised if i fail the class. I enjoy the job I have, but it is eating up my gas. I don't know if I can make it work, because they can't give me more hours since I just started, and I like an hour away. I thought I knew what I was getting into this summer with classes, and the job, but things turned around and now I am stuck. My brother isn't doing too well..Mom called and said he is pretty sick and has a hospital check up tomorrow, but I'll be at work from 9-2. Then it will be an hour before I get home and I don't want to call Mom on the way cause I don't think I can handle another crying car ride back to town. I have had a headache all day for the past week, but I gave the only migraine medicine i had, away. I just feel like I am in a routine of trying to sleep and eat, then work, then class, repeat. I'm trying to find the happiness/sunshine in everyday life but it's just hard. i gave all i had, and made my life surround, and now its gone. so i'm just flat out not happy, and i don't know where its all going or what to do. patience is a virtue that i do not have; its also a sign of maturity..and i am not being patient, therefore not mature. its just hard. as the rolling stones say "You can't always get what you want." it's the truth, compromise is important and i haven't done that. so i lost what i wanted and had, even with all the mistakes/flaws/everything-it was what i wanted, though i had a hard time showing it, and now i am alone/lonely. i wouldn't change anything from it. i just want that back. sorry. i am digressing. um..i really don't have anything peppy to talk about.

i'm sorry for everything..

snub |snəb| verb ---rebuff, ignore, or spurn disdainfully

in my opinion, it doesn't matter who you are, where you are, what your situation is or anything. to ignore someone is completely rude. whether you are trying to ignore someone on the side of the street, an employee or customer at the store, a friend that you are mad at, or if you are just busy having fun. anyway you ignore someone, it hurts them. and when you take time to think about it, you don't like being ignored either. how many times have you tried calling someone and said this: "answer your phone! what is the point of having a cellphone if you aren't going to freaking answer it?!?" yep-i've been there, done that. irritates the piss outta ya doesn't it? think about when you do it to other people. makes them angry too. or how about its an emergency, and you just need someone that wont answer phone/text? you feel hurt and neglected usually, right? or how about when you just simply want to have a chat with someone-and they are short with you, and then just stop talking? its no fun. and when you turn the tables and YOU ignore someone, think about it. all the feelings you have when its done to you-is how they feel 9 times out of 10 when you do it to them. now i realize often times people are genuinely busy, but how hard is it to shoot that person a text and say "hey, im busy ill call/text you back" or if you flat out don't want to talk to them just say "look, i really don't feel like talking right now." granted, the latter of the two phrases still hurts, but i think it hurts less than ignoring them. why leave people hanging? just end the conversation if you want it to be over. i'm just tired of seeing people, myself included, being ignored and doing the ignoring. its rude and hurtful. plain and simple.

I am almost at a loss for words. Yet I know if I sit here long enough, I’ll think of so much to write that you won’t read it. Hah. I did some reminiscing today after my chores (I shouldn’t say chores cause they were dumb things liking ironing all my t-shirts..t-shirts!! Ha). Anyways, I looked back on some sites that I had like my old xanga, and my old entries here on blogspot.

I’ve messed up lately. I am not the person I said I was in previous blogs. Now this isn’t a change like, ‘oh I’ve matured’ change. Instead it’s more of a selfish, unthinking change. There are things I enjoyed doing or whatever that I don’t do anymore. There are things I say I would do, that I don’t lately (i.e. Just relax and let God lead my life). So many times I would say how I can handle things, I don’t need someone 24/7. Yet lately, all I’ve done is the exact opposite. One blog specifically stood out as a result of actions lately..which I don’t feel like talking about (view that blog here). In it I said I didn’t need to be talking and hanging out with people 24/7 and someone taught me that. Yet I couldn’t do it this summer. I was constantly home by myself and in return smothered the few people that would talk to me. I didn’t really think about other people as much as I thought of my loneliness. And unfortunately, it has gotten more lonely as of late. I was selfish. I can’t change the actions of my past, and I don’t know if I will ever get the chance to make up for it.. I also know I apologize a lot. But I am truly sorry for pushing those of you away. We all make mistakes, and it took a major action for me to realize mine.

In times of quiet loneliness, one is supposed to be able to hear God. In 1 Kings 19:11-18, God spoke to Elijah through a gentle whisper. He did not speak in the wind, the earthquake, or the fire. Just like in our lives today he does not speak in the parties, nor always in our pain and grief. Not that God doesn’t talk to us then, when we cry out to God He hears, but not always responds right away in the way we want. When we are quiet and listen for God, just relax, we can hear him. However, for me, I have not listened. I have asked and prayed but while God has taken the time to hear me in my pain and grief, I have not reciprocated the time. I just expect things to change, and I’m not really listening. I urge you guys to listen. Don’t try and take everything in your life into you own hands. Lean on God, unlike I have lately. Things will always work out, whether on your time or how you want it -- or not. Just have faith.

what in the world?!

Nerves: a person's mental state, in particular the extent to which they are agitated or worried.

yep, the definition basically explains the state i have been in for about a month now. i have been worried from things to do with jobs, to relationships, to what i am doing with my life. it is getting to the point that the nerves are turning into stress and my stress is being taken out on people, if and when people are there to take them out on. i haven't gone bike riding in well over a week because i have been trying to figure out what the strange bumps on my legs were (result: poison ivy). so i have had no way of letting these frustrations out. i thought maybe drawing would help, so i have been doing that a lot, but rather than letting it out it just occupies me till the stress resurfaces. needless to say it is not working like i would like it too. the worst thing about all this stress, while i am seeing lights that i had never seen before in some situations, i am completely defeating everything. that makes no sense. basically, i am throwing everything i have in my life away. i stopped caring about class, tried to get rid of any and all relationships i have with people, and have just sat around doing nothing all day long. now, you might be thinking "she is depressed, i am sure of it." but i can assure you i am not depressed. i am just so wanting to be done with everything, while not at the same time. and those two feelings do not go hand-in-hand with each other. that's like me saying i am hot yet i am cold. dumb.

i feel like its me trying to turn over a new leaf. while i have gotten a peak at what i think life could be for me if i wiped all my slates clean, and i mean every single person, thing, want, need, EVERYTHING-finito. anyways, while i have gotten a glimpse of it, i don't feel that i am ready for it, nor do i know if i want it. it could be exciting and fun, and just what i need, but i was content with things. so why go change them? this glimpse has screwed me over in so many ways because instead of either jumping into that realm or leaving it be, i am teetering on the line. i can't make up my mind, and am letting others try to make it up for me. in my heart i feel i know what i need and in my mind i am sure that i wont get it. not ever in life, but right now. with the circumstances i am in, living in e-city(which isn't horrible btw) i cant expect some huge acting person to find me, i cant expect to live where i want with the dogs i want and the furniture i would like. it is all unrealistic for me. its like i am trying to live how i want my life to be in 3 years, right now. though i know and feel all that, the one thing i want more than anything right now: for things to be the way they were a month ago. i was so happy and excited about everything in life, i didn't try to argue with everyone, i tried to talk to people, hang out. it was easier. i don't really know what snapped to make me turn around like this, but i wish it would snap again. i am rambling now. and slightly digressed. i'm just sick of cotton-pickin' nerves. good day.

That'll do pig, that'll do.

Have you ever seen the movie "Babe" about a little pig? It has been forever since I have seen it, but I was thinking about it today. I plan on using that quote in my other blog too, just warn you if you read that one too. Anyways.

Today started off super slow. I didn't wake up till about 12pm, but that is because i went to bed around 3:30-4am-ish. Rough night. My day slowly got better as I received a phone call from Banana Republic informing me that they wanted to hire me. This was great news to say the least. I don't think I have been so ecstatic over a job before. I was overjoyed for three reasons. 1)I wouldn't be sitting at home bored all day anymore, well most days. 2)I was going to finally be making some money, and 3) I have always wanted to work there since they opened in Short Pump Towne Center back home. Gosh was this a great moment. Other than that nothing really happened. I attempted to work on homework, failed because the CD wont work in my computer. Played some mario wii, watched tv, talked to both parental units. When I talk to my Dad I miss home. He got a job! I don't think I have mentioned that yet, but he finally got a job again. I'm proud of him. The biggest project for me today was to clean. Now that I have cleaned my room I have nothing else really to accomplish for the day.

"How does the quote from 'Babe' tie in to your blog Erin?" Well, I am glad you asked. Although I woke up late, and it doesn't sound like I accomplished much, I feel I have. I felt that when I stepped back and looked into my clean room, my finished parts of homework, and job sheet that I did what I needed to do today. Though in reality not much, I wish someone was there to assure me and relieve me, pat me on the shoulder and say "That'll do, that'll do."

i want i want

It seems that now since I have no money to spend, my wants for even the smallest things are greater. It is nothing too major that I want, apart from a job being my biggest want. I have applied and searched at so many places. I have 3 options left or I may still be able to go to camp Rudolph, if Charlie still wants me. um, but like, for instance I would LOVE to get a new bathing suit-one that suits me and my body type. I mean, if you haven't noticed I am not a petite small chest model that can wear anything that walmart may sell. Nope. Lo and behold the one bathing suit I've wanted for two years at VS is on sale..but I can't afford it and feel horrible asking my mom for the money. The biggest thing I want money for is food though. I don't want to ramble or write too much. So heres a couple of things:

1) any job openings? let me know!! :)

2) pray I find a job ASAP.

Thanks guys!

Shed my Skin

Notice: These are ramblings..

Sometimes I wish I could be someone else. Not necessarily a celebrity, or someone who has what I want. Rather be someone else to see Erin Miller from an outside person. Better yet, I wish I could be a fly on the wall. Floating around, observing human body, and others. Eventually realizing the truth vs. lies, the realistic vs. unrealistic. I wonder so often what my life could be like if certain things were different. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed in ways some people couldn't imagine, but there will always be those moments that I wish I could step away from my life. Find out what people really think/feel or say about me, their motives, sometimes random stuff. I get tired of being depressed about dumb things, but I can't seem to fix it. Lately, it has been taking a toll on me physically. I am tired, grumpy, emotional, and my chest just hurts. Not good. I am not sure the root of these feelings, though I have an idea. I pray with all my feeble heart that I am wrong though. Sometimes I just don't like me. I know, I know. "But God loves you just the way you are." That's all fine and dandy, but I want to love myself too. I want to feel happy and confident in decisions. Not scared. I can easily cry and play things out loud in my room alone, but when faced with the actual situation I can't even bring myself near those same words. I am a unconfident, nervous, worry wart, scaredy cat. Why can't I change that? Or at least an easy way.. I want to like me, and be the person I was. Stand up for all the morals and beliefs I once had, but I don't. I've lost my backbone, I've stepped back into the shadows. I'm just rambling now.

I just want to find me, ...again.

New Blog?

I am thinking about starting a new/different blog. This blog here I plan to keep almost like a journal, updates on my life etc etc. But I want to create a journal to blog about what I think about, like Christian aspects of things, did you know facts, whatever. I am thinking that the other blog will contain longer posts. Maybe? Probably. So keep a look out for that, and I'll be sure to post the link to it if I do create a new blog.

In other news: this house makes really strange noises. haha. it is kinda creepy from time to time. I am still looking for a job. I think I've applied a billion places..let's see, I tried the YMCA, Ruby Tuesday's, Banana Republic, Currituck Welcome Center (Monday), Hibbit's, Belk, NuQuality(Monday), Wine Cellar (Monday), phone calling place, um..camp Rudolph and other places I can't think of right now. So far, no luck which sucks. Pray I can find a job here soon, I am in desperate need of one. I went on craigs list today and it seemed like every place to get one was in Greenville or New Bern. I like New Bern. Not just because Mike is there, but it is nice, the people are nice, it is just a nice place.

What else..I am biking everyday and love it. I biked 2.62 miles tonight in about ten minutes or so. Felt great. I am doing crunches and pushups every night also, but I don't see or feel any results. I am hoping I will sooner than later. I have become obsessive with tv shows. When I am not job searching, I am watching shows like "The Office," "Lost," "Vampire Diaries," "The O.C.," "Psych," the list goes on. It's bad, real bad. I need my summer classes to start so I feel more productive. Granted I wash dishes and do laundry and clean my room and some of the hosue up every day, and my bike rides, but I feel like all I am doing is watching shows on my computer. FRYING MY BRAIN!!! haha. not really. ok that's all I can think of for now. tata!

oh! p..s..

POLL!!: I am thinking of ridding my face of it's multiple piercings, I am sick of them getting snagged. I mean, lip ring got snagged on a freaking apple today, AN APPLE!! >:o lol. So here's the question/poll:

What do you think of my piercings? Keep or get rid of them.

Change

change | ch ānj|-(verb)make or become different , (noun)the act or instance of making or becoming different, an alteration or modification, a new or refreshingly different experience.

It's what I want. The verb change is what I would be doing, but the noun change is what I crave. I want a change whether it be school, atmosphere, state, career, anything. I am sick of the same ol' stuff. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed to have all that I do, and to be all I am right now. I just want to make adjustments. I feel like all I am doing the past few days is search endlessly, to no avail, for a job. I cannot find one to save my life right now. I mean, sure I can pick up little, low paying jobs here and there, but I need a real full-time job for the summer. Yet I feel like I am not finding one because this isn't where I am supposed to be right now. I think a majority of that has to do with my attitude about small Elizabeth City as of late, but I just want more. I think all the time of going other places, other states. I mean, imagine being in New York! It would be crazy busy, but maybe I could find a job and work on my portfolio for the career I want, ya know? Or in Hawaii/Jamaica. Ryan is seriously blessed to be interning in Hawaii this summer. She deserves it and I know she will do great works to further the Kingdom of God, but sometimes I wish that were me. I wish I could have the chance to go somewhere and intern for the summer. I am ready to be done with school, Lord willing I only have a year left, but I don't know what my future will hold. Who knows where I'll be living or what I'll be doing. Of course God, but He is the only one that truly knows. I thought everything was figured out in my head and heart about my future, but I feel it was more of an "in the moment" thing. I'm just not excited about things like I would be, and have let my bitterness/anger about things show more often. It's like the only thing I do that excites me these days is riding a bike. Everyday I ride a bike at some point. It's a breath of fresh air, a stress reliever, a joy. I can spend from 5 minutes working out on it, to an hour just riding around and be completely relaxed and peaceful. You really get to see the beauty God has created when you are not whizzing by going 60mph in a car. Exhilarating. I just want a change though. A major change in my life. I don't know if I am ready, I don't know when or if God will provide this changing opportunity, I just know I crave it right now. Here's to hoping.

Bittersweet

So this morning was graduation. It is marked as an important day to those who have finished school, and an important to those who love them. Graduation has, and always will be, a bittersweet relationship. Excited to be finished, sad to leave friends you have made. We get so used to people living in such close proximity that when they graduate, we are left with a sense of emptiness. At least in some cases we are, other cases people are excited to leave and get away. No matter how you feel about leaving though, everyone that graduated today has taken their leap into a brand new life. For some it means buying a house in a different state, to others it is searching for a full time job. No matter what we find ourselves doing when we graduate, it is a whole new ball field. It is weird to think that this time next year, I will be the one walking across the stage, receiving my diploma, and moving on with a new life that God has prepared me for.

But am I ready? Right now, of course not. Will I be ready? I do not know, but I sure hope so. I am not sure where life will take me over the course of the year. I don't even know where life will lead me this coming week. The sense of unknowing, not being prepared is scary. God is there though leading me, asking me to just trust him. Ha, every time I think of God saying trust me, I think of the scene in "Aladdin" where he tells Jasmine to trust him on the magic carpet. That's kind of how life seems often times. God is reaching his undying love, grace, trust to me and I am having to choose whether to take the leap on the carpet with him, or go back inside. Weird analogy for some of you, but I like it. All I know is that when I take that ride with Christ, it is all Him. The flips and turns are His will, and I've just got to hold on and KNOW He won't let me fall. Scary, but exciting to see where God takes me. Whether life will be almost the same as it is now, or different. Will I be able to come back to college, or will financial issues get in the way? Will I want to stay in the major I have chosen, or change it? Will I be married, or single? Will I know in my heart what God wants of me..so many "will I's." Just keep praying is all we gotta do. :)

Back to the bittersweet. I am sad to see my friends graduate this year. Alina and Joe, Kevin and Jessica, Kalyn and Stephen, Jacob, Josh, all you guys. School will never be the same. Seeing you guys graduate brings tears to my eyes for sorrow and joy. I am sad to see you go, but excited to see what God has in store for you. I love you guys.

Mrs. Guthrie. Oh, Mrs. Guthrie. As I write this tears are flowing. You are an inspiration, a tower of knowledge, fortress of strength. You are so much to so many of us. I am saddened to see you leave for you have touched my heart in ways I can't begin to tell you. You are my Mom away from home. Your experience in situations gave me the knowledge I needed to make the right decisions. You could bring a smile to anyone when they were upset. Your door was always open when I needed somewhere to cry, or just borrow salt. Your way of teaching was like no other. You brought so much to the table, and gave us so much to take away. You truly are, as Perkins puts it, an "extraordinary leader." It hurts to see you go, and I will miss you so much. I love you and wish you the best in Florida. FCC is blessed to have you as a future leader.

Danielle. You haven't graduated, nor are you NOT coming back. But I wish you the best of luck in Africa. It is scary and a new place for you, but I know you are ready. God has prepared you for this all your life whether you know it or not. You will do extraordinary work for God's Kingdom. I have faith that you can do it. Just remember, God is in control and your main man :) I love you, be safe.

Sorry if this became emo/mushy for you. Today has just been a rollercoaster of emotions. Congratulations to the graduates of 2010 at MACU and everywhere. May your life be filled with joy and love as you continue on your journey. Have a good night. And Happy Mother's Day to all Moms out there!!! :)