I am almost at a loss for words. Yet I know if I sit here long enough, I’ll think of so much to write that you won’t read it. Hah. I did some reminiscing today after my chores (I shouldn’t say chores cause they were dumb things liking ironing all my t-shirts..t-shirts!! Ha). Anyways, I looked back on some sites that I had like my old xanga, and my old entries here on blogspot.

I’ve messed up lately. I am not the person I said I was in previous blogs. Now this isn’t a change like, ‘oh I’ve matured’ change. Instead it’s more of a selfish, unthinking change. There are things I enjoyed doing or whatever that I don’t do anymore. There are things I say I would do, that I don’t lately (i.e. Just relax and let God lead my life). So many times I would say how I can handle things, I don’t need someone 24/7. Yet lately, all I’ve done is the exact opposite. One blog specifically stood out as a result of actions lately..which I don’t feel like talking about (view that blog here). In it I said I didn’t need to be talking and hanging out with people 24/7 and someone taught me that. Yet I couldn’t do it this summer. I was constantly home by myself and in return smothered the few people that would talk to me. I didn’t really think about other people as much as I thought of my loneliness. And unfortunately, it has gotten more lonely as of late. I was selfish. I can’t change the actions of my past, and I don’t know if I will ever get the chance to make up for it.. I also know I apologize a lot. But I am truly sorry for pushing those of you away. We all make mistakes, and it took a major action for me to realize mine.

In times of quiet loneliness, one is supposed to be able to hear God. In 1 Kings 19:11-18, God spoke to Elijah through a gentle whisper. He did not speak in the wind, the earthquake, or the fire. Just like in our lives today he does not speak in the parties, nor always in our pain and grief. Not that God doesn’t talk to us then, when we cry out to God He hears, but not always responds right away in the way we want. When we are quiet and listen for God, just relax, we can hear him. However, for me, I have not listened. I have asked and prayed but while God has taken the time to hear me in my pain and grief, I have not reciprocated the time. I just expect things to change, and I’m not really listening. I urge you guys to listen. Don’t try and take everything in your life into you own hands. Lean on God, unlike I have lately. Things will always work out, whether on your time or how you want it -- or not. Just have faith.