yep, the definition basically explains the state i have been in for about a month now. i have been worried from things to do with jobs, to relationships, to what i am doing with my life. it is getting to the point that the nerves are turning into stress and my stress is being taken out on people, if and when people are there to take them out on. i haven't gone bike riding in well over a week because i have been trying to figure out what the strange bumps on my legs were (result: poison ivy). so i have had no way of letting these frustrations out. i thought maybe drawing would help, so i have been doing that a lot, but rather than letting it out it just occupies me till the stress resurfaces. needless to say it is not working like i would like it too. the worst thing about all this stress, while i am seeing lights that i had never seen before in some situations, i am completely defeating everything. that makes no sense. basically, i am throwing everything i have in my life away. i stopped caring about class, tried to get rid of any and all relationships i have with people, and have just sat around doing nothing all day long. now, you might be thinking "she is depressed, i am sure of it." but i can assure you i am not depressed. i am just so wanting to be done with everything, while not at the same time. and those two feelings do not go hand-in-hand with each other. that's like me saying i am hot yet i am cold. dumb.
i feel like its me trying to turn over a new leaf. while i have gotten a peak at what i think life could be for me if i wiped all my slates clean, and i mean every single person, thing, want, need, EVERYTHING-finito. anyways, while i have gotten a glimpse of it, i don't feel that i am ready for it, nor do i know if i want it. it could be exciting and fun, and just what i need, but i was content with things. so why go change them? this glimpse has screwed me over in so many ways because instead of either jumping into that realm or leaving it be, i am teetering on the line. i can't make up my mind, and am letting others try to make it up for me. in my heart i feel i know what i need and in my mind i am sure that i wont get it. not ever in life, but right now. with the circumstances i am in, living in e-city(which isn't horrible btw) i cant expect some huge acting person to find me, i cant expect to live where i want with the dogs i want and the furniture i would like. it is all unrealistic for me. its like i am trying to live how i want my life to be in 3 years, right now. though i know and feel all that, the one thing i want more than anything right now: for things to be the way they were a month ago. i was so happy and excited about everything in life, i didn't try to argue with everyone, i tried to talk to people, hang out. it was easier. i don't really know what snapped to make me turn around like this, but i wish it would snap again. i am rambling now. and slightly digressed. i'm just sick of cotton-pickin' nerves. good day.
I lived the whole Little Mermaid, "Part of Your World" song my entire senior year of college--they had just re-released the movie I'm not THAT old--and this post reminds me of me about 10 years ago. Part of it was fixing the mistakes that I made, part of if was not settling for what people wanted me to do, part of it was asserting my almost independence. I felt trapped in a life I didn't want--but I didn't know how to dig out of it. It was one of the most trying years of my life.
ReplyDeleteI think you can do big things, Erin. I really do. But you don't have to do those big things today. You have your whole life to do them--just take it as it comes. Apparently you are in this season for a time and a reason--what decisions are you making? What stories do you want to tell your children--grandchildren--years from now?
Purpose is ridiculously huge. Overwhelming.