Scrambled

Nothing new has really happened in life. I still have a sense of nostalgia that I would LOVE to go away, now. Alas, it does not. School is becoming harder and harder. The work is not bad, but it is the lack of motivation. All I have dreamt about lately, day in and day out, is packing up the essentials and just going. Selling my car to get one with better gas mileage and no roof (maybe) and just trekking across the wonderful United States of America, with no care, no rhyme or reason. I just want to leave all of "this," whatever "this" is. I constantly feel suffocated or like people just don't care. There is no in between feeling for me. Sucky.

I'm sure as you are reading this you might be thinking, "But Erin, it just sounds like you are trying to run away from reality." And you know what, in a sense, I am. I want change, like I've written about so many times before. But I feel I can't do so much change where I am. So I want to branch out-leave everything & everyone, and start over. I don't want to deal with the stress and drama I face everyday. I don't want to sit here and fret over whether or not I am where God wants me to be. Or worry if I will make it as a worship leader, or if I am even cut out for it. It's beginning to be too much. I think I am good at something, and then I get knocked down. I should persevere and keep going, but I can't find the strength to anymore. (I am in no way trying to be depressing. In fact, as I write this, I am not depressed, rather anxious cause I really just want to GO!) I'm not sure where I am going, what I am doing, or what any outcomes will be. In a way, I am okay with that while other times it scares the crap out of me. I mean, graduation is soon-what in the world am I going to do?? I have to make new plans since others fell through, but I don't care too. I want to be a "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of person. Is that so wrong?

Have you ever seen the movie "Into the Wild?" That's what I want to do right now. Maybe not in the woods necessarily, but I want to detach from everything around me and focus on my relationship with God. I want to grow. Step out of comfort zones and be at peace and know better, understand more, just be more for God. ahhhh lol. alright, that is all for now.

Let's see what happens.