Struggling. Lately, I have been struggling. It is the second week of school but my mind feels as if it should be the last week. It is as if I am spreading myself thin, yet I am not involved in that much here at school. More so, I have been living in the past-in a state of nostalgia. It can be good, but at the same time can beat me down in a heart beat..
a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.
See-the definition itself even says 'happy.' So what is wrong with it? For me, everything. I find myself wanting the life I had not even a year ago, and it is unattainable. So in order to cover that longing I am doing everything I can. I am hanging out with people I never would have last semester, volunteering to do things that I normally wouldn't, literally any and every thing. I pawn it off saying that since I am a senior I want my last year to be fantastic-this holds some truth, yes. Yet for the most part I am just trying to keep my mind occupied. I miss the way some aspects of life were-the activities (ping pong-NO ONE PLAYS ANYMORE!! ugh), the people, the connections, and the simplicity. This year I am constantly walking on pins and needles, trying to not cross fine lines between what was and what is. It is not that I am living outside of reality, no ma'am. I am VERY aware of the reality. It's more so that I just don't like the reality.
But like I said, this can be good. See, in trying to cover this feeling I am branching out. I have problems with assuming, worrying/fretting, and being nervous about things that are out of my hands-always have. But I am almost to the point I was my freshmen year. Someone once told me that they loved me for the "bubbly, happy, beautiful girl" I was freshmen year. I would constantly say "that's not me, that's not who I really am." But it's a lie. If I could act like that freshmen year, then of course that was a part of who I am. I want to get that back. I want to be carefree again. So I am trying, and for the most part I think it is working. But that is where I get tired physically and emotionally. Because in the back of my head I am still worrying about one particular thing. The two combined, the thoughts and making sure to branch out, in my mind is so heavy. You cannot be truly happy unless God is the source of your happiness. Spiritual happiness-yep, God is the source there. But emotionally, not so much. I feel like there is a hole inside me that needs filling, that physical and emotional attachment. I need to fix that hole with God. Things are never going to be what they used to be. It is obvious. Though I would drop everything I have, pack up and go for it-it is not happening. The plans I had made are no longer; need tweaking. That is the reality I don't want to face. I want everything to be happy and okay because thats who I am. I like things to be easy, happy, okay, and everybody get along. BUT it's not reality. Reality is that things change, people change, they move on, life keeps going. People go in and out of your life, help you and hurt you. Shady. Same with everything, jobs even. But you have to learn to keep on truckin'.
These are incomplete and scrambled thoughts. For that, I apologize. I just wanted to sort of let out what is building up inside lately. I hate asking for it, but those of you who read this-could you pray that i just get some sort of clarity, peace of mind here soon. before i go crazy ha. thanks so much guys.
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