Ready or Not

Tomorrow marks the beginning of my senior year here at college. A wave of emotions flood over me while I write this blog tonight. I am excited for I will be done in a year and able to go on and live my life without homework, ha. Yet part of me is real nervous. I'm not sure where I am going or what I'll be doing. You know those people who map their lives out from high school and follow the plan till marriage? How do they do it?? Life throws me so many curve balls that I don't see how I could map my life out and expect it to pan out as such. I know it won't. So while I am excited about being done, I'm nervous about the end also.

Gosh, nerves don't even begin to describe my feeling right now. I am not ready for this year. I don't have control over every aspect of my life and I can't breath when I think about it. I am a control freak: I like to be in the know, to be able to do what I can to achieve or avoid things. I hate feeling left out. It is impossible to have complete and utter control of every aspect, I know. But it is hard to let God have it sometimes. I forget that God has a reason and a plan. While things may hurt or seem chaotic now, it will all eventually make sense.

I feel like tonight (SNL) was something I needed for a moment. Watching those teens pour their hearts out to God through worship-no words can describe how great it was. I miss being able to just worship, not worrying what people think of my voice or my actions during worship. Being free and feeling like it's just God and me. I envied those teens tonight that raised their hands and sang to their Father. Yet I let so much weigh me down, and get in the way, that I can't focus on just God. And when I did focus, for a split second closing my eyes, as soon as they opened reality kicked back in and I felt so small, so overwhelmed. All the stress came back, the worry, the drama, the "what-ifs."

Tonight was an eye-opener, both during and after SNL. I've realized so much in about 2 1/2 hours that I'm not going to share on here. Things will change, some for the better, some for the worse. I can't control it, I'm not supposed too. That's going to be the hardest part. I said I was ready to be done with school earlier, right? Tonight, I wish things were like they used to be..