Change

change | ch ānj|-(verb)make or become different , (noun)the act or instance of making or becoming different, an alteration or modification, a new or refreshingly different experience.

It's what I want. The verb change is what I would be doing, but the noun change is what I crave. I want a change whether it be school, atmosphere, state, career, anything. I am sick of the same ol' stuff. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed to have all that I do, and to be all I am right now. I just want to make adjustments. I feel like all I am doing the past few days is search endlessly, to no avail, for a job. I cannot find one to save my life right now. I mean, sure I can pick up little, low paying jobs here and there, but I need a real full-time job for the summer. Yet I feel like I am not finding one because this isn't where I am supposed to be right now. I think a majority of that has to do with my attitude about small Elizabeth City as of late, but I just want more. I think all the time of going other places, other states. I mean, imagine being in New York! It would be crazy busy, but maybe I could find a job and work on my portfolio for the career I want, ya know? Or in Hawaii/Jamaica. Ryan is seriously blessed to be interning in Hawaii this summer. She deserves it and I know she will do great works to further the Kingdom of God, but sometimes I wish that were me. I wish I could have the chance to go somewhere and intern for the summer. I am ready to be done with school, Lord willing I only have a year left, but I don't know what my future will hold. Who knows where I'll be living or what I'll be doing. Of course God, but He is the only one that truly knows. I thought everything was figured out in my head and heart about my future, but I feel it was more of an "in the moment" thing. I'm just not excited about things like I would be, and have let my bitterness/anger about things show more often. It's like the only thing I do that excites me these days is riding a bike. Everyday I ride a bike at some point. It's a breath of fresh air, a stress reliever, a joy. I can spend from 5 minutes working out on it, to an hour just riding around and be completely relaxed and peaceful. You really get to see the beauty God has created when you are not whizzing by going 60mph in a car. Exhilarating. I just want a change though. A major change in my life. I don't know if I am ready, I don't know when or if God will provide this changing opportunity, I just know I crave it right now. Here's to hoping.