I want

I want to be a great Christian.

..a great friend

..a great mother

..a great sister

..a great follower of Christ

..an inspiration

..a leader

..a better child of God.

I want to be so lost in God's word, that a man will have to find Him to find me.

..to be someone kids can look up too

..number one, under God, in my spouse's life

..to be on someone's mind often

..to be the one that gets spoken to first

..to be crazy about someone that is crazy for me

..not to feel infatuated with, but loved by others

..to not be only infatuated.

I want my feelings to matter to those that matter to me

..to not be pushed aside

..to be everything in a woman that someone has ever prayed to God for

..to be special

..to be respectful and respected

..to be loved and love in return

..to know why I am loved

..to not choose friends first

I want to be able to be a great spouse

..to provide for my kids

..help those in need

..work more in a Church

..put others before me

I want to stop feeling second rate

..second pick

..to feel confident again

..to not care what some people think about me

..live life each day to the fullest

I want to provide for the person I love, in a way that is holy and pleasing to God. I want to be everything and more for someone, and them for me. To do all these things I want, and more for them. I am ready to grow up and live life the way I should.

It's amazing to see how many things we want in life. From ourselves, our friends, family, boyfriend/girlfriend. We make lists and hope to meet every one of those criteria, yet we don't. We shoot down possibilities to be happy because we think we know what we deserve. In some ways we do, other times we have no idea. Lists like these are almost impossible to fill. These are not criteria that a spouse or friend need to match up to alone. It is up to us, as the creators of the list, to work on things ourselves. We can't expect a significant other to help us alone on self-confidence. If we have in our mind that we are always second best to who or what ever, then it is made up in our minds no matter what someone else says. We have to take the steps hand in hand with them to make it better. Completely break the mold that has been set, and rebuild it. It is part of the path to growing up and becoming the child God wants you to be. It is a rough and scary path, but God places people in our lives to walk with us, to hold our hand and be there so we aren't so scared. But don't leave it up to them to do all the work. Get your hands dirty, up to your elbows in work. Learn to love who you are, because believe it or not, things do work out. We may not see it, or want it that certain way at first, but God knows best. You'll find the best friends, the best significant other, the best job, you just have to trust. Don't lower standards for anyone because all of those will happen and be the best because they like you for YOU. Always remember that, and trust in God.

Until next time...

A penny for your thoughts

What is love to you?

That's the question I pose to you readers. I want to know what you think is love. How do you know when you love someone, or something? Do you love someone or something? Why? What makes your love for that person or thing blossom and grow into more than a mere infatuation. I just want to know your takes, where you stand with that word. Do you consider love to be perfect, with no pain, no strife, no conflict? Is it something that continues to grow the more it is experienced, the more you see it, show it, feel it? It is different for each person.

According to the dictionary, love is defined more than one way:

(1)an intense feeling of deep affection, (2) a person or thing that one loves, (3) (in tennis, squash, and some other sports) a score of zero; nil

but we are excluding the third definition, because that I don't really care for right now. hah. So let me ask again,

What is/does love mean to you?

grateful |ˈgrātfəl|-adjective, feeling or showing an appreciation of kindness;thankful

I know it is past Thanksgiving, and I meant to post a blog like this on Thanksgiving Day. However, I did not do so, and this actually pleases me. I feel now is a better time to post a blog as such, for I am more thankful now than I was then. So I want to just thank some people, even though they may not read this.

Mom-No matter how many times we argue and bicker with each other, she always shows some way that she cares. At times I feel I take advantage of her, and I am sure I do. She is always providing me ways out when I am in trouble, such as not having enough money for gas. She always takes care of things when I don't know what I am doing, such as speeding tickets (haha). And she is always willing to teach me over and over what I have already learned, such as paying bills and playing piano. At times she can loose her temper with me when I come home, but it never fails that she will cry her eyes out when I leave. She loves me more than I can imagine. She deals with so much and I am just thankful for her. She has always stood by me, supported me, and never left.

Dad-Although I get so angry and frustrated with Dad a lot, I can't help but to thank him. Through his "sickness" and everything, I have been through trials time and time again that have made me grow. Dealing with things pertaining to Dad has helped me grow to be who I am now. While at times I can be totally childish and immature, I can be mature and responsible. He has taught me compassion and love towards people even when I don't want to show it. It is easier to understand and relate to people now because I have been down those roads, or can imagine them. And to be honest, I can't imagine a life less hectic, no matter how bad I wanted it-I am thankful for all the craziness that teaches me life.

Taylor & Amanda- You two are my best friends. It's odd to think that meeting each other in showchoir, where you guys kind of hated me, is where our friendship would start. You guys have put up with my craziness, stupidity, lack of showing love, and mistakes and still accept me. From wrong dance moves, getting grounded for going somewhere else than we originally said, to ignoring you for a year of college. You knew that I loved you, and wasn't trying to push you away. So thanks for always trying though I may not seem like I do. I love you guys.

Danielle-You are a great room mate. flat out. I know I neglect you as such at times, often actually. But know I care. Thank you for always buying me food when I am starving, for washing dishes, or taking out trash when I don't, for buying me random gifts. You put up with almost as much as my mom, I mean, since we do live together haha. With my laziness, drama, gossip, etc. Thank you :)

Michael- (and yes I put that cause I wanted too :}) Welp, three years boyfraaan. Hm, I dont really even know where to start with you. With my immaturity, emotional-almost bi-polar states, to lazy, whiny and grumpy, ha and even my scary excited self, you've dealt with it all. Maybe not consecutively, but at some point in those three years you have. And now you do it allll the time :) I am so thankful for you. Even if we were not in the state we are now, I would still thank God for you all the time. You can make me laugh when I am at my worst, and make me feel more confident when I just want to ball up from nerves. You know just the right things to say or do and the right times. You are caring and loving, and of course are a gentleman. You open my door, pay for meals, you are respectful, and mature. This all being a new experience for me, and I love every minute of it. You tend to know what it is I want, even though I don't tell you, you just fit :) You are amazing and have so much talent. Thank you for never giving up on me, finally giving me a chance, and always supporting me in everything I do.

And of course none of the people, nor myself would be anywhere without God. But Him and I have already had our talk. God is truly amazing, and I thank Him most of all for all the great people in my life, and opportunities, even challenges, he provides me with.

There are plenty of other people I have thank you's for, however, it is time for thine slumber. I hope everyone has had a great Thanksgiving Day and break. Study hard for exams, and don't give up! Perseverance is important! Laterrrr :)

Thanksgiving break is approaching rapidly. in fact-for most, it starts tomorrow! however, I was told I have a few classes on Wednesday. bummer. The classes on weds. don't really bother me; it's the fact that I shall be alone in the dorm that night, BORED ha. Then I'll have to wake up real early on Thursday so I can please Mother and be home at a decent time. I wish there was some half-way point between here and home I could stay, t'would make the drive less tiresome.

So not much has really changed since the last blog, yet so many things have changed. ha, make sense? Let's see here: school is still not exciting and completely stressful for me. Luckily, this semester is almost over. However, the class I dislike the most will never end. I just don't get how a teacher can contradict and change their minds on things without thinking how it will directly affect the student. Also, how can a teacher kick a student out of a class?? Makes no sense, and I refuse to type out what happened here. Anyways, other than that class the others are normal. Praise team is over now...saddens me actually. It was my favorite class, and it made Mondays enjoyable. For an hour and half every Monday I finally got to do what I enjoy doing, without all the weight of it having to be perfect on my shoulders. It was bliss for the most part. Um..Church wise, I am continuing at Towne South right now..I still don't feel right there. I joined the Christmas choir under Ms. Bondurant. I figured if I joined in more, maybe I'd feel more like a part of the church, not to mention I miss her teaching.

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW! haha. Mike and I are finally dating. :) It still hasn't quite hit me yet. I think cause it's been 3 years of liking him, that it just feels like we are still in that "talking" phase. But I do enjoy it. There isn't any stress or anything. It's weird right now though..to say Mike is my boyfriend (just not used to it at ALL lol) Also, it's weird to think that for the first time I'll have a boyfriend on a holiday haha. New experience. Yet I seem to date the most busiest guy alive, so I don't think it will be too different haha. :)

Sabrina (my first dog) is gone. She passed away, and it saddens me every time I see border collie. It's going to be weird to go home and her not be there. It almost makes me not want to go home. I miss her a lot.

Um, my camera is officially dead. It works, technically, but I can't push the button in to take pictures. Therefore, it is dead to me. And I am REALLY unhappy about it. I love taking pictures and being able to document things in that way, and I can't. Plus, the trees have all looked so pretty lately and I can't take snapshots :(

Anywho, um..yeah. I think that's all I can really update on right now. Laterr

As of late

So the past few days/weeks haven't been horrible, just not fantastic. School is starting to kick my butt. While kids here have exegetical papers to write, I have musical compositions, translating, and recitals to write and perform. Can't say I would rather write papers, but I'm sure I'd rather do anything other than what I am. ha. It's all just racking up so fast and I just am not prepared for it.

But it's ok, because that just means break is coming closer. While I can't wait to get away from school for a bit, and make money at work, I for sure don't feel like going back to Richmond. I mean, it's a nice place and things are cheaper for me at home (such as food) but I like being away and sort of on my own. I don't have to report to parental units about everything, I can do whatever. Of which all of this will change over break. Plus side is the money I'll hopefully be making. And the yummy thanksgiving foods in which I hope to partake. Thanksgiving break doesn't seem to be very long this year, so I doubt any friends will be coming over, seeing as I live hours away from people I hang out with now.

If I can just make it pass Tuesday this week, I'll be fantastic! Monday's are never my favorite day, but Tuesday is what will be the end of me. Not really, but I am stressing hardcore over it. See, Tuesdays and Thursdays we have what's called student recitals. It's a pass/fail class, and normally one would perform with what their applied lessons are on (mine being voice). However, this coming one is a Music Theory recital in which I have to perform the composition I wrote. I'm already not too fond of the piece to begin with, but I also didn't find a pianist to help me so I am playing it by myself. I don't play in front of people which is making me REAL nervous. I honestly have my fingers crossed that this nor'easter will stay till Tuesday at the latest and things will be cancelled, but I doubt that will happen.

DAVID CROWDER ON WEDNESDAY!! That shall be the highlight of my month I believe. Although it's all the way in Charlotte it will be fun.

I took too long of a nap tonight and now I can't sleep (notice I said tonight-already the problem).

Life is peachy outside of school work. Well, for the most part. I seem to care less about how confused I am with certain situations and am just trying to let things flow the way they should. I am not in control, God is, and I am finally leaving it to Him.

I think I may start another/new blog. Write out feelings based on stuff not so..miniscule and lame. Aka, not my life ha. Maybe more intellectual, thought-provoking topics (if I am even capable of that) haha.

Yup, welp, I think I am on to another movie. It's hot in my room. Laterrrr

STULTIFY:verb ( -fies, -fied) [usu. as adj. ] ( stultifying) cause to lose enthusiasm and initiative, esp. as a result of a tedious or restrictive routine.

Yep, I think that word pretty much describes life at the moment. Or at least how I have felt the past few days. I am almost certain this feeling/attitude is a direct response to several things happening in life at the moment.

1-being I think I am getting sick: I THINK I am getting sick. I'm not sure. My throat has been killing me, but I think it is partially due to the bi-polar weather we've been having. Having my window still open doesn't seem to help. Guess I'll shut that tonight.

2- I seem to constantly stay confused about any and everything. Whether it be school, family, friends, or relationships. I am confused and out of the loop. I know where I want to be going with life and all that jazz, but I don't know where I am heading at the moment. School isn't kicking my butt really, I just can't find the motivation for it no matter how hard I try. Being at ECSU, I think, hasn't helped with the confusion because I never know what is going on at MACU. People are doing this now, this was said blah blah. Of course it's all drama but my friends expect me to know it all, and I don't. Family wise-apparently Dad never really was bi-polar? I don't know. I am not even going into all that cause it frustrates me. Relationship wise- I have no clue what is going on. I know what I feel, I know what that person says he feels, but I don't the truth behind all of it. I trust said person, it's just hard to know for sure. And the fact that I seem to know nothing stresses me out, and makes me read into things (which I KNOW I shouldn't). [note:i am trying real hard to not read into anything and take things as they are.]

3-I am just ready to be done. It is odd saying this because I am only a junior, technically. One might hear a senior say they are ready to graduate, but I am totally ready to be done. I am done with everything there is about college. Don't get me wrong, college can be great and I think it's something most people should do, but I am just tired of it. The drama, the stress, the busy work. That's all my homework seems to be is busy work. I am not learning from it, it's just something for teachers to grade. I love the fact that I am sort of on my own, I am away from home, but I feel like I am at a private high school here with more testosterone and raging hormones. It's like everyday someone is crying or upset. I am sorry for those of you who are, but suck it up once and a while. I don't mean to offend anyone reading this, but for real-not everyone in the world outside of MACU is going to sit there and stroke your hair because you are crying over silly things.

I am sorry if this is depressing/emo/mean. It's just what's partially on my mind. I can't let go of certain things that are weighing heavy right now. And I am sick of confusion. All these previous remarks are what is causing me to sit in my room wanting to skip class but having no real reason too. I feel like a hermit at times. And I feel myself disliking more and more people. I don't like it. But what can ya do?

Future Pt. 2

FUTURE CONT.

The previous blog about the past few weeks/month escalated into me thinking about what I want when I get out college. I thought for the longest time I would go live on my own, get a job in a school part time or whatever, and also have a part time job somewhere else like Red Robin. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that's not what I want. This is going to be the selfish sounding parts, and all of this is ultimately up to God.

I am tired of searching. Searching for love, career, everything. Whilst driving to school an overwhelming feeling of wanting to be done came over me. I am ready to settle down. I want to be able to go to classes, or work, and come home to someone. Relax at home with that special someone, buy groceries, cook food, etc for/with that someone. I'm ready to be content and happy and not trying to impress people because I have someone. In all honesty, I want to find someone I can help lead worship with. I want to be a part of a church, and find someone else that wants to be a part of a church as well. I never would’ve thought that I would want to marry a leader in a church, but I do. The idea of waking up every morning to someone I love, no matter the flaws and sins he commits, and living every day with him is something I crave. To sit and watch movies till late at night, then crawl into bed and just lay, feeling completely at home. Making him silly little letters to find in his papers at work to remind him how much I care, although he can tell just by my actions. To sit and know I can trust him with other people/girls, knowing that he likes me for me although I may make mistakes, and he chooses to help me fix them. Just to be able to sit in a room, no words and just know, to be happy just being in that room with him. I want to be able to help him and talk to him about his day at work over dinner, sing with him, do devotions with him, read the Bible together, share and learn things about each other everyday. I want to grow as one with someone.

This is such an odd and new feeling for me. I was always the person that thought it was good to date people, even if you didn’t think you’d marry them. To me, that was the purpose of dating, to figure out exactly what qualities you want in a spouse. You can’t fully know what qualities you want till you experience them. But I know what I want now. I only have a few main qualities and others fall behind it. Things such as being a Christian, funny, fun to be around, attractive (yes I am somewhat shallow), talented, and accepts me for me are important (not just those, only a few mentioned). I don’t want to be someone else’s second pick if they don’t even want me. But I am just ready to settle down. Okay marriage is maybe a little too soon, but I am ready to find that person and just be me and not worry etc. I want to make someone else as happy as they make me. I want to get my own place, with a dog, maybe a cat, and maybe eventually kids. I just, I feel ready to be at that point in my life, but I know in many ways I am not ready.

There are goals in my life that I need to start keeping for once, instead of letting them slip. I want to learn as much as possible about music, better myself in every way, and help others. I need to learn not to honestly care what some people think of me, and do things foremost for God, then myself.

I want to be a faithful wife, a caring mother, and more importantly a

servant of God.

I just have to be patient and wait to see what God wants for me. It will be a long and winding journey, but I know with God, I can do it. I don’t feel at home here, and this isn’t my home. But until I get home, I want to find a place here I can call a home. I am sorry if none of this comes out sounding to eloquent, and possibly not make sense. It’s kind of just following my train of thought, which itself is scattered. Don’t doubt that will be more blogs about stuff like this, there probably will. I just really wanted to write this down soon.

Future Pt. 1

FUTURE |ˈfyoō ch ər|noun--1:the time or a period of time following the moment of speaking or writing; time regarded as still to come. 2: a prospect of success or happiness.

What do you want in your future? Job wise, home, financial, relationship, spiritual wise, where do you plan on things going? This is something that has kind of plagued my mind for weeks now, really ever since I got turned down for a job. Okay, I'll lay it out for ya:

I came to RBC my freshman year in hopes of being a worship and music minister/or leader. Well, that same year I was told that being female, I wouldn't make it far. Put quite a damper on things, right? ha. Well, my mom kind of decided for me at that point that I would teach music. I liked babies, but not 3rd-5th graders, so I thought I'd teach high school. This required me to dual enroll at a nearby university, which I am currently still attending. Nothing seems wrong with the picture, right? Wrong. I still don't want to teach necessarily. Over the years of being here, I have helped lead worship at churches and in chapel and have loved every minute of it. If you read blogs prior to this, I continually talk about not knowing what I am called to do by God, but that I don't really want to teach (I'd rather perform or something). Though now that I think about it, perform is the wrong word. I still want to lead. I don't want the complete leadership role of talking and being the main vocalist/instrumentalist, but I want to help lead.

This job that I applied for was just something I figured I would do for experience and money. It was a job working with elementary kids (3rd-5th grade mainly) teaching them songs to do for church on Sundays. I didn't think highly of it, I just wanted to learn and be involved in a church somewhere because I feel so detached from churches. I can't seem to find one that I connect well in and I find myself church hopping =/ So I interviewed at the church, still weary about it. But after about 2 days I started to get really excited. I talked about it with a few friends (Mike and Conley) and weighed the pros and cons. But unfortunately, 2 weeks later they called and said I didn't get the job. Only reason being that I would not be here over the summer. My disappointment was greater than I had anticipated. I thought that after a few days I would get over it, yet I didn't. It still runs through my mind. Opportunity for what I originally wanted to do, sort of, slipped out of my hands for that moment. It stunk.

So this got me thinking, what do I really want in life? Sure there are things that I crave, or think I need, or think I want; most of the time those are just temporary things that don’t really matter. I needed to figure out what I wanted for my life. I have had a rush of emotions and thoughts the past month that I am simply boggled. There are good emotions, and bad, and of course neutral. There are times I feel I am completely comfortable and happy, and times that I feel so out of place. I feel like dropping out of school sometimes just to go on with life, then I think sometimes I want to learn as much as possible. It’s a basic feeling of not knowing what I want. I just know I want to do what God wants. There are certain things I feel I have been given the opportunity to fix, try again, and start. I don’t want to miss out on those, yet I don’t always see them. Fear has been the strongest emotion for me lately. I am scared that I am doing something wrong in school, relationships, family, every part of life. I don’t want to mess up. I want to be able to open myself up to someone again, without the fear of pain, but I can’t. It blows. I care so much, but I feel I can’t show it cause I am too scared to get close again. But the fear of messing up and not telling or showing my love is there as well. Flat out-I am scared....

One way to care?

Caring -|ˈke(ə)ri ng |-adjective: displaying kindness and concern for others


What does it mean for you to care for someone? Or better yet, how do you show you care? I care for people, Jesus cared for people (which I'll get to later on). Yet apparently, I don't show it correctly. But is there really a correct way of showing care, or concern?

After discussion with a few people, I have come to the conclusion that there is no one way to show that you care. There is the (1)care that it shown through discussion, "I care so much about you!" There is the (2)care showing through actions, such as buying someone gifts. Then there is the (3)care that requires you to involve yourself in someone else's life/business. But sometimes I think that one may actually do the opposite.

1: The verbal care for someone is often times the one most people strive to get, I think. I mean, yeah they want physical care and concern, but they’d rather hear about it. Let’s take these scenarios: When you are sick and in the hospital, you want people to say “Oh, I am praying for you!” or “I hope you get better!” anything along those lines, right? Right. When you miss classes for a day and don’t show, you want people to ask “Hey! Why weren’t you in class?” The verbal recognition of their concern appeals to you. You think, if they say it-they mean it.

2: Then there is the physical care. When a boyfriend buys you gifts, it’s cause he loves you and cares for you blah blah. Or, back to the scenarios: Whilst in the hospital, someone buys you a card, balloons, and flowers. Or gets your homework and test materials for you when you miss class. It shows they care to spend the money on you to show their love. This is where you’d insert, “action speak louder than words.” If a person can’t seem to say they love you, or say they care for you, they must be able to show it right?

3: Finally, the care that requires you to get involved. This is more in depth care. This kind of care comes from a relationship that isn’t surfaced based. This would be the type of relationship a best friend, sibling, or room mate would have. It’s great to be involved in their lives, but I think sometimes it can push a limit. Unfortunately, I can’t use the same two scenarios for this one. But lets say, your friend has been in this situation where you feel (s)he is getting herself in trouble, or possibly hurt (we will say emotionally, not physically). Keep in mind, this is the first time. I feel then, it would be okay to say something. Maybe mention to your friend that you think it’s not a good idea or something, but let (s)he make their own mistake (if it even is a mistake). Okay, flash forward to after they have gotten themselves in trouble, you’ve shared your opinions and feelings, yet! they decided to do it again. This is where I feel the fine line between care and reprimanding(?) gets hazy. It’s okay to mention to your friend, “Hey, ya know, you’ve kinda been down this road before. Are you sure you want to do it again?” But I feel that is all that should be said. If your friend chooses to make their mistake, let them. You are not their parent (well, maybe you are) nor their leader; you are their friend, their companion, their person to fall back on. And I know it can get tiring, especially if they do it habitually. But so what? That’s when you choose to either be there, or tell them to find someone else cause you can’t get them to notice it’s their habit. 
Now, if they come to you with this problem, don’t be afraid to listen. I think too often we are quick to judge or reprimand, rather than listen. And in all reality, you know that they’ve probably realized how stupid they were already, no need to throw it in their faces. But this is where it becomes a problem for me. I have family, and I have friends that if this were to happen between us, they would yell and reprimand me and scold me for my wrong doings. They feel that yelling shows how concerned they are, that if they show how much it irritates them they can get their point across. And I flat out hate it, and disagree. I know when my Mom cares, she doesn’t yell, she becomes quite. The stillness in her voice, the quietness of the room-you could hear a pin drop, but it’s actually the guilt or pain you hear thudding on the floor of your heart. I think it does more to be quiet to show you are hurt or care, more than it does to yell. Yelling puts people (or at least me) on the defense first, making me want to close my ears and not listen. So that is what I do. I stay calm.

I am told I can’t show care, love, concern very well, especially to other girls. This is true, and I think a big part of this is owed to a struggle I had. I’m not going to go into detail, but it made me feel very awkward around other girls, which today I still do. So me telling girls “I love you” or “I care for you” is very hard for me to do. Even making things for them is sometimes hard. I don’t have funds to go buy things to show I care, and I don’t always have the creative juices flowing to make things. Therefore, people think I don’t have the capacity to care. But I do! I have the capacity to love you more than you could imagine, I just can’t show it. I do a better job with guys, but even then it’s with guys I have crushes on. So because I don’t express it verbally or physically, I try and listen, try and help people with their problems. However, sometimes I find I fail in that department of concern as well. My friend may come to me angry about a situation in which they were stupid twice (meaning, did the same thing, was told not to do it again, and then did it), knowing that I had also done something similar. They expect me to reprimand them and call them hypocritical cause they yelled at me about it weeks before. Yet I don’t, I stay quiet and calm, letting them reflect on what they’ve told me and how they feel. I don’t put my input in, I don’t yell. To me, yelling is a lot like arguing, since it is a big part of it. Arguing gets you no where; it just hurts someone, if not both that are arguing. But these actions don’t satisfy the person, they’d rather I gave them my two sense. I feel that if you put your two sense in more than once, you are just pissing in the wind because they didn’t listen the first time. Also, what you or I may have to say, probably isn’t what they want to hear, and can hurt them. I know sometimes when I make a mistake, I just want to vent about it. Sometimes my friends like to tell me their opinions, which is okay, but the tone in which it is given could change sometimes. Anywho, I am just rambling now.

To answer my original question: no, I don’t think, I know there isn’t one way to show care/love. Look at Jesus, he did so many things verbally: telling the apostles he loved them, telling his Father he loved Him, etc. physically, such as: feeding the multitudes of people, gathering with the disciples, washing their feet. And he also listened to people with their problems. He would give his two cents (but Jesus’ two cents is worth a LOT more than ours haha) and would help them. He would reprimand where needed, he wasn’t afraid to raise his voice, or cry with them. If Jesus could show care/love in those ways, we can too. People just need to understand that there is no right or wrong way of showing it. There is just a way you prefer over others, and people can’t read your mind to know.

complete adoration

Adore |əˈdôr| : verb [ trans. ]-love and respect (someone) deeply

So what does adore mean to you? In any sense, what does it mean? Do you adore something? A necklace, a guitar, a song, a sport? Or a person? God, your Mom, Dad, boyfriend/girlfriend? There is always something that people adore, whether they see it or not, whether it is an object or person, it is there. And while I adore God a lot, no words to describe how awesome He is, this blog..is not about Him.

In the past few weeks I think I have come to understand what this feeling I had was. It felt amazing, yet it hurt all at the same time. I thought it was towards something, then I realized it was towards someONE (Who shall remain nameless). This person is, of course a guy, but not just any guy. He is the guy that most people deep down, don't really like all the time. Yet I can't find any hatred or disgusting thing about him. I mean, I know he does this that are wrong, or treats people not so nicely all the time, but I don't dislike him for it. In fact, it makes me like him because he tries to fix it. Ya know, I don't think "like" is even a good word to use for this, but I probably will anyways. For the longest time I didn't know what it meant to like someone, but not have to be with them all the time. I told every guy I liked that I did know, so they wouldn't think I was clingy. In all reality I had, and still have, some trust issues. I thought to like someone or to be "talking" you had to be around each other or texting each other all the time. I thought there needed to be some sort of conversing 24/7 or else it would be awkward, unless you were watching a movie. But this guy taught me a lot-mainly he taught me that I needed to grow up, and get out of the fantasy world of relationships. Now, I can enjoy doing activities with people, but just as much enjoy the quiet and relaxing times. I've grown to like those quiet and relaxing times more actually. In the past, if I liked someone and they walked in the room, I would pounce on them I guess you could say. I was right at their side, and it was flat out annoy I bet. Now, when this person walks in, I just keep going about my business. Yeah, I wish at times he would come talk to me and what not, but it's not my main focus. The reason I posted the definition of adore at the top was because I think this is the feeling I get from him. Not from him to me, but the feeling I have towards him. I get so nervous around people, yet when he walks in a room, or is around, a sense of calm and pleasantness comes over me like I've never felt before. Even when he just makes eye contact with me, I feel different. And when he smiles at me, oh man, I feel like no one else is around. I feel my face brighten up, and can't help but smile back with that stupid huge smile of mine because I am so happy. I am extremely comfortable with him, in every situation or environment, and like I said, I don't ever seem to get irritated by him anymore. It's a feeling I've never had towards a guy, a sense of pure happiness. No stress, no anger, no more worries, nothing but joy.

Yet when the day is over, the joy is gone. Why? It's not because I think he doesn't notice me, or because he may not like me (although that in its own way sucks). It is because I have all this emotion, all this feeling of pure, unaffected love for him and there is no way for me to express it to him. It's bottled up, waiting to explode. I am afraid to express it to him, mainly for fear of rejection, yes. Not a "I don't like you at all Erin," but a "I'm sorry, there is no way I could nor would ever feel the same." Not to mention, I wouldn't want things to get awkward. I enjoy being in his company that if it got awkward, I'd feel like the freshmen girl in college that has to win his friendship all over again. And after all I've gone through with this..I don't think my heart could take it. (Not saying I'll die ha, no no no). For the longest time I couldn't put this on here because I couldn't figure out how to write these feelings out. And in all honesty, still no words can describe this as well as I'd like. But you know the funny thing? Before I wrote this, I looked up different definitions, and I looked up his name on urban dictionary. Someone had written a funny little definition for his name, yet I feel that it helps me express what I feel:

The most amazing boy in the world. He is quiet around the masses but he opens up around the one he loves. He is extraordinarily protective in the best of ways. He can and will make you laugh harder than anyone else. He is the most adorable, cute, nice, sweet, kind, generous, loving, caring, genuine, funny, considerate, awesome person I have ever met. Every moment of my life would be better if I could spend it with him. His smile can make my day; even if it’s from across the room. I love him more than the sun, I need him more than breath it’s self. I can’t imagine my life without him; it scares me more than anything. I will spend the rest of my life in his arms.

Okay, the last few lines are borderline creepy/high schoolish. But you get the point. I just don't know what to do. I can't tell him really for my fear is so great. Yet, I feel if I don't I may miss out on something important. This year I made a plan not to focus on guys, not to try and get a boyfriend or anything this year. I don't want to be a hinderance to someone else in any way if I, myself, am not straight: spiritually mainly. (While we both probably have a lot to work on, he is the only one that has ever, I think, really influenced me spiritually or helped me in that way). I am going to work on my grades and school work, and work on my spiritual life, and flat out:grow up. I am working on it. I think at times I am succeeding, and it feels great. My focus is still in all the right places, but he is constantly in the back of my mind, I seriously can't get him off my mind. He isn't distracting, for once, nor do I think he would be again. It's like my crush itself has matured to an adoration that I simply adore everything about it, and never want to see him go. And I think that is what I am trying to say. Maybe? eh..lol. I don't know. Thoughts? Feel free to share what you adore, think, feel anything. :) Night.

So it's been a while

It has been a while since my last blog. I've come to the realization yet again, that I stink at blogs/vlogs/anything of journal nature. But I think I am okay with that. No, I know I am okay with that. So what has been going on recently in my life? Well, what's gone on in yours??? haaha :) Mmk, so classes at ECSU have leveled out I guess you could say. They aren't as hard as the first two weeks, and therefore I don't feel as ovewhelmed. Which I am very pleased to say. Overall, I am liking my classes. There are still the one or two acceptions that I don't like-such as Aural Skills. I just flat out don't have a trained ear, and never really used my ears the past two years for music to tell what a major or minor 5,6, or 4 sounds like. But I am working on it. After my voice training on Monday, I hit me that I really have lost my upper range that I had in high school. It saddens me, but I have no one to blame really but myself. I didn't practice, even though I wasn't given much opportunity to practice, I didn't really try to keep it trained. So that's a goal this year-getting my higher range back. Also, another goal is to actually lose the weight and drop sizes like I have been trying. I have the p90x thing, but I just can't stick with it alone. =/ I hate not having someone else to do it with me, but I guess I'll just have to suck it up and do it. But I am DETERMINED this time to actually get through more than two weeks of it, hah. Hm..worship wise, I haven't really done anything (bummer). However! Mike asked me to help with worship this past wednesday. It felt like the first time he asked me for help. I was still nervous around him, vocally, and didn't feel up to par. But when we actually played, it was a lot easier. I found I like leading worship in general, but it is fun with Mike also. I have a tendency to just want to watch him lead cause he does a good job, haha. Just wish my voice blended with his. In the back of my head I keep hearing Mark say "Your voice just has more vibrato than his, so it doesn't blend too well." BUTTTT yeah. It was fun :) And I am really glad he asked me to help. Um..welp, I think that about does it on important stuff? I still am not quiet sure where I am going/doing/wanting out of life. Hopefully that will change soon, and I will be able to see what God wants for me. Lator gators :)

letting off some steam

so my head is in killer pain right now from homework, that i can't seem to get a grasp of. i hate it. i don't even want to be in this degree right now, i haven't since i started the classes. why did i choose it? oh wait, i didn't. i wanted to perform, not teach. but that's what mom wanted me to do..teach. and speaking of mom, i am not allowed to talk to her during office hours according to her. but she forgets that her office hours are pretty much all day. i can't call because i cut into those times, yet even on days i DONT call, she gets behind, so what good is it? I mean, sorry my 2nd father was in the hospital and i was trying to get ahold of her cause i was upset. ughhhhh i am just so frustrated with everything right now. and next week is my birthday and i could care less. i was going to go home and now i don't even feel like it. it sucks butt. flat out. i am going outside..

Has been a long time friends

It has been a while since I last updated, and lots have changed/started. First being, school has started. I keep telling myself I am a junior, because I am, with the plan to keeps my spirits high. All the trouble I have been having with getting classes at ECSU finalized has been bringing me down. In fact, I had a melt down the other day after my chorus class. Don't get me wrong, the professors are amazing, and the classes are great, but that is for someone who understands all of this pretty well already. I, however, am coming into these classes with no music theory experience, etc. Very overwhelming, and the fact that I am a double minority does not help my feelings. But I am trying not to dwell on them too much. I just pray that I can get through the semester with flying colors, or at least get all of the registration stuff straight. MACU classes, well class, is nice. I miss having classes with my friends, which brings me to something else. I realized that I pretty much dropped off the face of the planet over the summer to people, and I apologize. I am working on trying to regain those friendships, work at them, etc. Yet, I think I am finding that some people don't want too reciprocate this. I find that to be a shame, to suck quite honestly. This year, I just want friends, no hooking up or anything of that nature, just friends. At the same time, I am trying to be nice to the freshmen and get to know them, and hang out with different people, not seclude myself. I think I am doing a mediocre job at that right now, something to keep in mind to work on. Work out routines are good, and painful. My back is in quite some pain as we speak from everything I did. Maybe I will take it down a notch for a week. Um..Dad is doing better? He is happy all the time, yet has no memory of things, which can be difficult to deal with. I feel for my mom right now, and wish to be home at times to help her. To be honest, I had debated not coming back to college, not just for that reason, but others included. I am not even sure what is going to happen with the coming years. I guess we shall see. I hope that everyone is doing well, that school (if it's started) is going quite nicely for you! and if school hasn't started, I hope you enjoy the rest of your summer! ha :) I am going to go and socialize now. Have a great night and a wonderful weekend! oh! and for all you beach goers, be careful with that hurricane coming. later

Plagues my mind

So sitting here at CIY. That's how it starts...lol..
The time here at CIY is fun, it's going great for the most part. I often run video or electronics of some sort, and tonight I did pictures for the Matt Bayless band. The students are pretty nice, cool, whatever you want to call them. The messages are important and great, OH! favorite speaker was here-total surprise for me (Jeff Walling). Yep, I was pretty stoked.
So sitting here bored, and Nicole is sick, gives me plenty of time to think, to ponder. I really miss some people right now. Even people I had just met, or people I had just met in person-but talked to before. It's odd for me, cause those people I didn't expect to miss (no offense). And other people I thought I'd miss-I don't, not at ALL. Again, no offense to those people. I found a strong connection with someone I didn't expect to last week, and it's the oddest feeling for me to miss them being around. lol.And I miss home, at least, I miss Mom. Dad kept calling me today cause he keeps thinking I am supposed to be home. Even though I have told him time and time again I am not coming home for a while.
On a slightly different note: talked with one of the FCC guys today. Welp, he is really cool but that's beside the point. Anyways, I told him I felt bad cause I was interested in this one guy and his bff was like "IMing" me? and I was joking, and felt like he may think I am interested in him..so I feel bad. To which FCC told me that I am a very flirty person, and it's not his fault if he is interested. aka-it's mine. Which he is right. Eh, I don't know. I just was thinking, what of all the people I have possibly lead on. I mean, someone called me manipulative last week, and I just laughed cause I don't really try anything. But I may be subconciously doing it? I don't know.
Anywho, on a COMPLETELY different note, lol: Missions! I have always wanted to travel, and the joy I get from doing so and ministering to kids in that way is so intense. I thought being here this week that CIY teams were what I wanted to do next summer. But as I thought about it, I really enjoy the camps, and even more, I want to go somewhere, like Africa or Cambodia and minister to those kids. There are so many people that need to hear about Jesus, and maybe I can combine my love of music and wanting to teach arts with the Gospel. That's what I think about a lot lately. A lot of people I've met lately are about missions, and tell me to pursue it. And my roommate even found a job like what I want (I don't think she wants me to be seperated from her hah ;]) But it's like, I feel God is dropping signs left and right for me, yet I am too scared and unsure if it's what I need to do. I am so fickle about my career decisions that I feel this may fade away? Yet it keeps coming back up, so I don't know. Thoughts? Ideas?
Mk, well I am tired of typing. Other tid bits of info..band here is pretty cool. I will be at RCC on Tuesday. Until then I am still here in SC. I have gained weight it feels, yet I can't find the motivation to work out. ugh. yep. and I am running out of money-FAST. ok. later

Embarking on a journey

So this is the first time I've had time to write on this. So sorry for the lack of updaaaates. But I think since I wrote last..um..several things have happened. First, dad is back in the hospital, and once again the doctors aren't quite sure what is wrong with him. But he has at least been in longer than 2 weeks, so maybe some progress will be made this time. I have hopes. Um..I think the big thing is that we started traveling for recruitment. The first week was absolutely amazing. I think I would stay there and do it all summer if I could. Park Springs definitely gave me hopes for the rest of summer, yet I think it also set the standards high? The band was amazing, left me speechless. Kinetic is my favorite now. Cameron and Daniel and everyone were so much fun to hang out with, and made the worship so ..wow. Met a lot of cool kids! I kept wondering why God had placed me on a travel team, and this camp is what started the understanding of it. One student I talked to, I had been through almost the same exact stuff, and to talk to him about it I think helped him and even helped me! It was a slightly depressing conversation yet amazing at the same time. I knew God had sent me to that camp at least to help him out. Also, I met another guy who was and is amazing in everyway. He helped me to realize what I deserve and to not settle for less. I definitely have a new confidence in some areas. While I was sad to see the week end, I was ready for another week. However, the next week totally snapped me back into reality. It was good, but very trying! I won't go into much detail but it took a lot more to connect with the kids and talk to them about the hard stuff. It was rather disappointing, but as Conley put it, I probably planted seeds. Which means I wouldn't have seen the plants grow in front of me, but they may later. Which helped a lot to think about. We spent the last two weeks with Billy and Isaac, and let me say-those two are absolutely amazing. They were so much fun to be around, and made me think about what life would've been like if I had attended JBC. Billy did tell me about their master's programs haha. But yeah. They spent last night here, and we went and saw Transformers 2. Isaac and I got sick cause we had to sit in the front. Then woke up this morning to fix them breakfast, and say goodbye. Was sad times :( Definately a trip to go see them soon. Well, I should get to bed. Tomorrow starts our week at Rudolph, which I am excited for since Ben and Conley will be there. We shall see what God has in store for us there! Later Gators

life cycles

So once again, I can't sleep. I have really got to get past this. I don't know what it is, but I am loosing sleep, loosing my appetite even. All of which is not good. It is sad that it shows enough that my best friend can tell through facebook chat and tells me, "Erin, you aren't yourself lately.." I try to get distracted from whatever is on my mind, but of course it is all temporary. I thought for a while now that I have had certain situations under control, that I had faced them and everything was going to be okay. Wrong. I have just been running from them, covering them up. And I am flat out too weak to face them. Sad thing is, I can feel myself changing, hiding, supressing everything. Yet I am not doing anything to fix it. I mean, I hang out, and I put on a facade to make it seem like I am okay. But it's just that, fake. The scary part is I don't even know what has brought this on. Who knows..
So while being unable to sleep, I decided to go through all the sites I am a member of. Blogs, facebook, myspace, emails. Wow do I have a lot, and I got rid of a lot. No need for all of them. Welp, came across my old xanga account. I had totally forgotten about it. So I decided to read some of the blogs I had written since the very end of high school. Ya know what is ironic? Life cycles around. Some of the things I wrote about then, I feel or write about still today. From dad, to being used, to drama, to not knowing what I want to do with my life, aka confusion. It is all still there, even if it is at different degress now, it is there. So why? Why does my life seem to constantly cycle through? The pain and guilt of my father, the confusion of if I am at the right school. The feeling of being used by others. It is a constant cycle I have let myself live, and I need to break it. But I don't..why? good question. No answer for that yet. Couple of the blogs I wrote talking about how I wish life were easier, or I could figure out what to do, God this and God that. Surprisinly, there was a comment on one of them that I think I needed to read.

"sometimes when you try and set up a situation where God has the "chance" to show you where to go, nothing happens. Perhaps the fact that you were ASKED to try out for the traveling team has some meaning behind it; maybe that was God trying to get you plugged in to something where your skills and talents will be used best. remember...God spoke in the gentle wind, not the earthquake (2 Kings 19:11-18). in this passage Elijah tries to "complain" to God; he states that he has been very zealous and honorable in carrying out the orders from God but receives nothing more than death threats from Jezebel (earlier passages) and others. when he is done, God simply gives him three tasks to complete; in doing this, God is telling Elijah that his work is not yet done and that God is always there for Elijah. Likewise, even though some things go wrong in life, God is always there for us and has a plan for our lives. it's simply up to us to choose to either follow that plan or take a road we like better. hope this helped a bit!
cheers."-burtonboarder757

I think at the time I kind of just blew it off (no offense) but now, it kind of helps me. I sit here wondering what I am doing with life, asking what I am supposed to do. I mean, I am not getting up doing a bunch of stuff and not listening to the whispers cause I am so busy. Rather, I am so quiet while asking for help, yet my mind is constantly wandering, and I am not truly listening. It doesn't work to just sit in silence and expect God to talk that way. Listening is key, which I am not putting forth complete effort. So while I feel that life's vicious cycle is something I can't break, or something I didn't notice. I think rather me reflecting, and even me reading my old blogs is God telling me to look at myself. I am constantly doing what I think is right, but in relationships, I say I leave it to God but I am not. So me seeing the guilt and pain of dad, and the using by others, God is showing its constant role in life, and telling me that I CAN change it, and that I need too. And me repeating that I need to leave it to Him, I am obviously not doing, and I need too. I need to get on track, and I need to give it ALL to Him. I have to break the bad habits, the routine and become who He wants me to be. I just hope I can..
I am sorry these blogs are not the happiest, or the best. It is sort of me reflecting. Feel free to say whatever you want to me, or not say anything. Your choice. But now you know what is going on in my head. So I am setting a goal. Devotions. Reading my Bible again, and learning from it. So later today, that is what I am going to do. And rather than me being emo or whatever in the next blog. Hopefully it will be a reflection of my reading. Where to start..guess we will find out in the next chapter of life. ha. later

Sleep-not in my dictionary

So I think the page in my inner dictionary titled "sleep" is gone. haha, but no, really. I can't sleep these days. I am not sure why, cause I do try. Part of me thinks it has something to do with everything on my mind lately. From summer, to family, to friends, to just life.

Traveling this summer is something I think I need. Not just for myself physically, but spiritually. I noticed that lately I haven't been relying, or studying God's word as much as I should, so maybe I can get back on track. However, since summer has technically started, I am just at a loss for words for everything that has happened. I thought I had figured out who some of my true friends would be, or friends that I would have in my life for a long time. Ha, partially due to all the drama and one friend, I realized otherwise. Going home was something I wanted to do, but didn't want to deal with because of my family. Yet, the first week at least there was so much drama. I got sick of it. A stranger could cut the air with the drama in the rooms. And it wasn't like I had started anything either. I thought my friends I made in high school would have grown up some with all the "high school" drama, but turns out, when you get the old click back together-everyone falls back into routine habits. I'll admit, I made the mistake of doing so for a day or two. Then I realized how stupid I was being for 1)being high schooler-ish with my conversations, 2)actually caring what these people thought of me. When I think about it, probably in ten years, I won't talk to these people anymore, as sad as that may be in some cases. The whole time I was home it was drama after drama. College and/or graduation really doesn't change people, and I finally saw some of my "friends" as what they truely were deep inside. Now not all of them were bad, but each of us has flaws, and I used to be the person that never said anything about the flaws-if I noticed them. But not anymore, and me speaking out, ha did not go over well. Above all, I was just sick of drama. I am constantly told by someone that all I am is drama. He often calls me a drama queen, and I am sick of it. Drama is what I was used to back home, and now, I don't want a part of it. As one friend put it:

"I think God puts people in our lives to shape us into who he wants us to be. It is okay to just be an aquaintance with someone, or to not have a best friend relationship with someone anymore. And I don't think God puts people in our lives to stay our 'friends forever' that cause drama if you don't want it. That's not a godly friend, for they will always bring you down in some way."

So from that point on, I have come to the realization that I like how she views that haha. I hang out with my old friends, I talk about stuff, but as soon as something is brought up that might start things, I end it. No need for it. Now I just hope I can continue to do it, and hopefully not be that "drama queen" anymore.

Another thing I have noticed more since summer: Ya know the saying "Out of sight, out of mind?" Welp, ya never notice how much it really is true till you step back and take a look. Now, I could be a little, not paranoid, but noticing it more since I have absolutely nothing to do for this week, but still. It's like, when I am home-people want to hang out, when I am at school during the year-people want to hang out. But no matter how much they say "keep in touch" or "I'll miss you, let's make sure we see each other," it doesn't change. People still forget, or become "too busy" for friends. People that I hung out with back home for two weeks, everyday, don't talk to me in any way now that I am not there. It's like, if I am not there to be with, I am not important enough to talk too. Same even with some of my college friends. Too busy, or to afraid to admit they just don't want to talk to me, I don't know. Either way, I can guarantee some of those people will come back saying "I missed you! Why didn't you talk to me? It's like you fell off the face of the Earth." To which I correct them and inform them that it takes two to tango (or make a conversation ha). I guess it just makes me wonder if people are truly your friend, if they only really care to talk/hang out, when you are close by/within walking distance. Now I am not fussing trying to say I want attention, that's not the case. I just, I like to talk to people, to keep in touch with friends, but I am finding it hard lately to do so. It's not like I ask for conversation everyday, of every minute. But a text once and while, or even a text back, just trying to make contact would be nice. Besides, I always hate those long sappy facebook messages of people trying to update each other on their lives. ha (I know, I am occasionally guilty of it).

On the family note (and I am sorry this is such a somber, depressing blog. You don't have to read it) in fact, this part is kind of me venting or expressing feelings about family. Because lately, I haven't had anyone I can talk to about it. People don't care to hear, are too busy, or just, I do't know. They don't understand, and the people I could talk to that did, don't have time. Anyways. I just don't know about my dad anymore. Late one night, while I was home, my brother and sis-in-law stopped by to give me something. I miss them a lot, and talking to them. Yet whenever dad was brought up, my brother sounded like he had lost all hope in him. This gets embarrassing, but I told my brother how dad had gone to the bathroom all over the room the other day, because he couldn't hold himself up. To which my brother blatently replied, "As bad as it sounds, I don't think he is going to make it much longer." Referring to living. It's as if everytime I come home, he is worse. I mean just within the two weeks I was home, I had to constantly pick him off the floor, make him food, he couldnt walk, yet two days he tried to talk to the hospital and fast mart to get food. I mean, one day he was arguing with mom and said "Ya know, for being 70 years old, I am doing just fine." MY DAD IS 50! He is losing it, and I can't do anything to help it. And the annoying part of it is, he doesn't care to try. Mom told me about his new doctors visit (I can't even count how many doctors he has gone through) and how he flat out told her that he doesn't do things around the house cause he doesn't want too. He is being lazy and it's frustrating. To be quite honest, part of my hates him for everything he has done to me, and the family. I don't even exist to my grandmother anymore. Yet apparently she wanted to call and fuss at me cause I never told her about Master's Twelve concerts. She has NEVER cared, so why now? Why that ONE thing? Yet the part of me that doesn't hate my dad, is laying real heavy on my heart right now. With what my brother told me about dad not making it much longer, it kills me. For so long he hasn't acted like my dad till he need to tell me what to do with my life. Which always occured at the worst times. So I never talked to my dad. Here I have this close relationship with mom, where I tell her pretty much everything. And my dad doesn't even know what I am in school for. And it's my fault. He will sit with us at meals, and I will talk and look at mom. Then from a side view see him just sitting there, totally lost cause he has no idea hat I am talking about. I sit and the table with him and end up talking as if he isn't there, and that's WRONG. Sometimes he tries to be with me, and instead, I don't know why, I just get so irritated about it, as if I don't want him around. And then I feel bad cause all he wants to do is spend time with me, even though he does the stupidest stuff. And it kills me even more because things with him are just habit now. When he walks to the fast mart to buy food and asks if I want something, it's just so easy to say 'no' and then go out to eat with mom. And I feel guilty about it, cause I know when I am at school, he sits at home by himself, and eats by himself. And I know he is lonely, yet I never try fix things when I am home. And for that I am a horrible daughter. I sit there and see my dad hurting, sick and lonely, and yet I can't bring myself to leave my room and be with him. And when he tells me he loves me, it's just habit to say it, I don't feel it. But when I left this past week, I cried. He said it, and I thought, with what my brother said, what if it was the last time? I said it so apathetically. I feel like such a horrible person for it. I just can't bring myself to do otherwise! ARGH! I just don't know what to do. I know everyone's probably thinking, just go talk to him, hang out with him. But it is way easier said than done. Don't get me wrong, I used to do stuff with dad, like ride bicycles and motorcyles and what not, but now he isn't healthy enough to do anything, I mean, I used to get him to play volleyball now I can't get him to stay awake to watch a show with me. I want things to change, I just. I really just don't know.

Being in this dorm pretty much alone doesn't help things right now. I have all the time in the world to sit and think, and I am tired of sitting and thinking. So I am sorry that this is such an emo blog. I just needed to get things out. Flat out right now-I am lonely. I just want people to talk to. But in a week it won't matter. I'll be at camp. Also, I just want to sleep. I am tired, my eyes are heavy, but I can't bring myself to actually sleep. Hope y'all are having better luck. And a good summer. bye..

Threw me for a loop

So I haven't written on here in a while, and tonight will not be an update so to speak on life. Rather, I want to discuss/share, anything something I read today.

So I have been reading this book about relationships (book will remain nameless for time being) and it has seemed to be a pretty good book. I have found that while reading it, I am more carefree about relationships and such (good/bad, haven't decided yet). Anyways, whilst reading tonight, I came across the two chapters that dealt with porn in relationships. One chapter dealt with male pornography, the other chapter with female pornography. Reading the titles I thought it would be just about how it's bad and affects a persons relationship/marriability. However, it discussed how men looking at porn can be seen by women as their husbands cheating on them. And for women, how a simple chick flick is considered porn. It blew my mind! Yet, I feel that these chapters may have made some good points(?). For example:

Male porn was seen as cheating. It discussed how pornography is an addiction, and that it will grow and want more and more. And also the porn will become more graphic. I had not thought of the fact that the need or more intensity would grow. But more within the chapter, it dealt with the fact that women who are okay with the significant others looking at porn, were cheating themselves out. It was teaching the men habits of imagining other women, and that eventually their own wives would become less attractive because of these hotter women they see. Also, that it would be cheating because they are easily seeing women and not saying no, to a simple internet site. What if it was a real woman, in real life?

Female porn boggled me even more. Chick flicks=porn in a sense? Never would have thought of that one. Not saying I totally agree with it, but I can kind of see where these writers get the idea. They say how women go and see chick flicks, and the steamy romance scenes they crave. They grow up watching them and hoping for a perfect relationship like that, etc etc. But to me the chapter just made it seem like women were hoping for the perfect life, and unrealistically at that. I guess their idea of men not being as attracted to their wives because of the "hot babes online" could be the same for women and their "steamy mcdreamy in the movie."

maybe? hah. I just don't know. These chapters just kind of threw me for a loop, and like I said, I don't necessarily agree with what was said. Thoughts? Opinions? Theories? ANYTHING? ha, just tell me what you think from the little I gave. Just curious how others think of it. (and I know it's a weird topic, sorry.) mkbye.

i am just at a loss for words...

Tis a bittersweet farewell.

So it is the day of my last exam. While I may be here till Sunday or Monday sometime, it is sad to think the year is over. Don't get me wrong, I am super stoked about summer, yet I feel this year is ending in ways that I don't like. People are just leaving without saying bye and what not and it's just sad. I am hoping that not everyone will leave like that, and hopefully we can keep in touch over summer. I have friends graduating this year and it makes me real sad to think I won't see them around campus next year-such as Mark, Beth, Krystal, Kimmi, Rich, the list goes on. Next year will just be totally different. But I wish the best of luck to all the graduates! :)

On a lighter note, Taylor comes to VA/NC in less than 3 days! I am super stoked about it. No words to describe. Also, as of tomorrow, I will be a junior in college- CRAZY! I feel like it was just yesterday that I started. To make things worse, I still don't know what I am going to do with the rest of my life exactly. But I know to leave it in God's hands-and that is what I am doing.

Welp, gotta go write my final paper, then head to bed. Hope y'all have a great night! :)

It's been a while, dear friend

So it was made clear to me that I haven't updated my blogspot in a while. So here I go, haha. Nothing new has really happened since last time, not that I can think of. I did go on Master's Twelve Tour-twas fun at times. It had its ups and downs, but overall it was good. It makes me really sad to think that it is quite possibly the last tour, and even more sad that Ms. Bondurant won't be in charge. Don't get me wrong-the new chick seems cool, but Ms. B is amazing. She is truely a wonderful woman of God. We did go to the zoo on tour-got to see the animales :) yippee. hmm.. ever since I have gotten back from that though, I have been beaten in the face with make up work and projects. It is rediculous. I thought for sure I was ahead of schedule for at least 3/4 of my classes, yet I was wrong. And not only is there makeup work, but with less than 3 weeks left, it means there are tons of final projects and papers. Not to mention finals week. =/ eek. I am ready for summer.

At the same time, I am not ready for summer. I am still unsure how I feel about traveling the whole summer. I figure I am in the group and doing this for a reason, but at the same time, the materialistic and realistic, working side of me wishes I would be home. Working at the Robin making money is something I acutally looked foward to this summer, making moolah. haha. oh well..

I have been having a picture taking fetish? I guess that's what you would call it. I just constantly find myself wanting to sit outside and take pictures. lol. and my want for a new camera is INTENSE lol.


Taylor comes in less than 20 days!! I am excited about that. She is staying for a week, don't know what we will do. Cause it's not like she didn't live in Mechanicsville for years, ahaha. We shall see. I know she is excited, and wants to meet my friends here at RBC, but I have a feeling most people will be gone by then. =/

hm..what else..oh I know. I am not going to say much here though. lol. So there's this guy-I like him. But I can't seem to let myself like him too much. I'am unsure of what I want in a lot of aspects, and relationships is one of them. I feel bad for not knowing, but I can't bring myself to just let go and say yes. lol. I am the what if kind of person, and it sucks. Sometimes I can see myself with him for a looong time, and then there are sometimes that we just pluck each others last nerve lol. Not to mention, for some reason with him, and never have I before, but I get jealous. He knows this, but its frustrating. I don't like the feeling at ALL. I guess it, no I am pretty positive it is in part to 1)who his ex is, and 2)my low self-esteem. lol.and the fact that I get compared so much to his ex, its like, i don't know..but I am trying to get past it/get over it. I guess we will see what happens. But the point, and main thing is: I do like him. :)

um......

I think that's about all the new stuff I can think of. Welp, hope you guys are having a good day :)

So I have come to the realization today, that there are just some people in my life that don't need to be there. Not meaning to sound negative, but like, I don't benefit from our friendship, vice versa, I don't like how I feel after being around them, nor what I become. And again, I am pretty sure those people feel the same way.

Also, I've realized that by letting myself go, and become someone other than..well, me, that I have neglected some really cool people. Lately I have been hanging out and talking to some people more, like Mike, Justin, Buddy, Becca, Nicole..the list goes on. I find myself talking or hanging out with them, and it's fun! I feel I have missed out on so much in about just a semester. To those of you reading this: I am working on it.

So I had court today. Barrels of fun, yeah, no. hah. Luckily enough, I didn't have to pay the full price of the ticket, but enough to learn that I don't need to speed again, even if my speedometer is broken. Had a pretty fun day with Danielle. I was going to miss all my classes already, so we went and got lunch and just hung out. That was grand. Then lessons with Mike, I felt kinda, nope, really dumb. hah. But no one's fault, I'm just insecure on my guitar skills. Then of course drama (no day is complete with some). And finally I got coffee with Mike. It was nice talking with him. I missed the days of hanging out and talking about anything, very relaxing cause I know Mike isn't judging me. So I can tell him most things. Now of course I am just sitting in my room pondering over things. All in all, today wasn't so bad. I actually saw some sun today! yay!

Goal/Lesson of the month: Hang out, get to know other people better. :)

Hope y'all had a good day too :) mkbye

Debbie Downers

What I don't get: How people can have crappy days, and just come in and make yours bad as well. Freaking "Debbie Downers" (No offense to those named Debbie, I didn't come up with the saying). But it's like, there is a difference between being realistic, harsh, harsh realistic, and just a plain snot bucket about things. Like, when someone is constantly supported in everything they want to do by one person, that person is always there to help them cause that's who they are, wouldn't you expect them to want the same back? or do the same, vice versa? I hate how I can be there for people all the time, support them in most everything they do. Yet when I choose to do something, when I come up with an IDEA for something, automatically I am shot down. All my life I have been told I am not good enough, I am not up to par, I don't have the talent. So when I say hey, I think I want to go to school here to better the ONE thing I am confident in, or want to be good at, I would love some support.And when people decide to bring me down, or try to keep my places cause it makes them look good, or they don't want me gone..I mean, that's selfish. It's not like I won't talk to those people later in life. Now, I get support from several people, and respect and cherish them. But I hate when others shoot me down, bring me down, or just straight tell me no, that it can't happen. It's like-for real?! Bah hum bug. There apathetic attitude ends up bringing me down and it sucks, so hence why this blog is so negative-apologies. Don't read it if you don't want too. I finally get parental, well Mom's, support in what I want (it's not anything bad I promise) but I mean, even some of my closest friends seem to have a hard time letting me get there. I'm not asking for fiscal support, I want words or people saying "Hey! Ya know what Erin? I think you can do this. I have faith in you! And don't worry, God is there too, don't forget." But I don't get that.

I try not to talk about it often, because it brings me down. But of course I talked with Mike about it all tonight. I feel useless in anything. I feel I don't have strong talents or am really smart, I pretty much feel like, if I am lucky, I'll end up in LA or NY in an apartment as a bachelorette, working some 9-5 job as secretary or server, till some guy comes along. I don't want that. I want to make it as something, or do something. Even if it's just inspiring people to go for what they believe. But I hate when I say hey I want to go here, or do that and people are like, you can't even afford where you're at, how are you going to do. I want to punch them in the face. I mean for real, you think I don't know I can't afford it? You think I am completely dumb? gahh. I don't know. I am just irritated right now. So I am going to go to bed i figure.

mk, so i was wrong

I am back, later. haha. and of course i am back cause i have something on my mind...

ever felt like you don't know if you are doing the right thing?

I am talking about like, ever. Not just work, but that, relationships, careers, life! So yesterday I feel asleep really early by accident. I didn't expect to sleep as long as I did. A short nap turned into 4 hours. I tried to sleep through the night, but obviously I failed. So I got up and did some things around the dorm. Getting to the point, it's about 3am, and my room mate(who did the same sleep thing I did) asks if I am still up. To which I reply, "yes." She continues to ask if I ever feel like I am doing the wrong thing. Immediately I stopped breathing for a second. This was something I perpetually think about. Often times I try to get it to stay in the back of my head cause I tend to go off in tangents about it. Bad thing. So I answered her and told her how I think about it all the time, I just choose not to talk about it. I thought she'd drop it, but she went on how she is scared she isn't going to like what she's in school to be, and how she thinks sometimes she isn't right in hearing what God is calling her to do. That maybe she is interpreting it wrong. (Keep in mind, I don't mind that she is talking about it, I just wasn't sure what I was going to say, I didn't want to go off in a tangent). I told her that often times I think about, in fact, everyday. And I told her that I feel while we may choose a path to take, whether it be the road less traveled, or the beaten path, we will end up where we are supposed to be. We may diverge, but God will bring us back to His plan for us. Ha, and then I said "All roads lead to Rome kind of thing," to which she made me feel bad for comparing God to Rome, which was not what I intended.

So to go off in my tangent: I feel sometimes, what I want to do really bad for a career, and what God wants me to do, are two different things. But then I don't even know what God seems to want from me, and it frightens me. Everyone else seems to "feel" God calling them to do this and that, and I feel like that last kid picked for dodgeball, or the kid left alone on the merri-go-round. I don't know what God wants of me, no matter how hard I pray for help, I can't feel or sense anything. I'm afraid I'll be one of those college kids that goes home with a degree and works at Red Robin the rest of my life. Cause to be brutally honest-I don't want to teach music, and that's what I'm studying to do. I never wanted to teach. I wanted to help out other choirs, but I never wanted to teach. I hate teaching. And yet, I don't feel like I am really good at anything. I want to act, but I am not outstanding at it, I know. I am constantly searching, endlessly. I want to transfer, still, but I feel sometimes I have good reasons for it, while at times I feel I am just running to something else, hoping that's where I am supposed to be. I keep praying, and working towards my degree now, but what if it's not what I am supposed to be? What if I am interpreting God's call wrong? I know I will ultimately end up where God wants me, and that I need to fully rely on Him, but I am just scared.

When it comes to other things, like relationships and jobs, I'm really chill about it for the most part. What happens, happens. But sometimes things can just get so frustrating. No lie. I am a very fickle person, I don't know what I want all the time-so I've come to realize. I mean, lately I have found myself regretting some decisions in the past, like from freshmen year in college, and then like things I said or didn't do a few days ago. Just little nit picky stupid things. And I always wonder, did I make the right decision when it comes to guys. Ya know? Like, is this the right guy for me? or no. It's just something else I tend to leave up to God. But like I said, sometimes it can just get frustrating. And to be honest, it's not like I am looking for a relationship at the moment, not that I am not at the same time, but I would love to just go out on a date once, and have fun with a guy. Seeing as I have never done that. But around here, its like heaven forbid you go on a date once with a guy, even if he is just trying to be nice, cause you're going to get married if you do. I don't know. But I do know its about 2:30 am, and I have church in the morning, so I need sleep. Welp, feel free to let me know what you think..or you can just ponder over this yourself. mkbye.