So I think the page in my inner dictionary titled "sleep" is gone. haha, but no, really. I can't sleep these days. I am not sure why, cause I do try. Part of me thinks it has something to do with everything on my mind lately. From summer, to family, to friends, to just life.
Traveling this summer is something I think I need. Not just for myself physically, but spiritually. I noticed that lately I haven't been relying, or studying God's word as much as I should, so maybe I can get back on track. However, since summer has technically started, I am just at a loss for words for everything that has happened. I thought I had figured out who some of my true friends would be, or friends that I would have in my life for a long time. Ha, partially due to all the drama and one friend, I realized otherwise. Going home was something I wanted to do, but didn't want to deal with because of my family. Yet, the first week at least there was so much drama. I got sick of it. A stranger could cut the air with the drama in the rooms. And it wasn't like I had started anything either. I thought my friends I made in high school would have grown up some with all the "high school" drama, but turns out, when you get the old click back together-everyone falls back into routine habits. I'll admit, I made the mistake of doing so for a day or two. Then I realized how stupid I was being for 1)being high schooler-ish with my conversations, 2)actually caring what these people thought of me. When I think about it, probably in ten years, I won't talk to these people anymore, as sad as that may be in some cases. The whole time I was home it was drama after drama. College and/or graduation really doesn't change people, and I finally saw some of my "friends" as what they truely were deep inside. Now not all of them were bad, but each of us has flaws, and I used to be the person that never said anything about the flaws-if I noticed them. But not anymore, and me speaking out, ha did not go over well. Above all, I was just sick of drama. I am constantly told by someone that all I am is drama. He often calls me a drama queen, and I am sick of it. Drama is what I was used to back home, and now, I don't want a part of it. As one friend put it:
"I think God puts people in our lives to shape us into who he wants us to be. It is okay to just be an aquaintance with someone, or to not have a best friend relationship with someone anymore. And I don't think God puts people in our lives to stay our 'friends forever' that cause drama if you don't want it. That's not a godly friend, for they will always bring you down in some way."
So from that point on, I have come to the realization that I like how she views that haha. I hang out with my old friends, I talk about stuff, but as soon as something is brought up that might start things, I end it. No need for it. Now I just hope I can continue to do it, and hopefully not be that "drama queen" anymore.
Another thing I have noticed more since summer: Ya know the saying "Out of sight, out of mind?" Welp, ya never notice how much it really is true till you step back and take a look. Now, I could be a little, not paranoid, but noticing it more since I have absolutely nothing to do for this week, but still. It's like, when I am home-people want to hang out, when I am at school during the year-people want to hang out. But no matter how much they say "keep in touch" or "I'll miss you, let's make sure we see each other," it doesn't change. People still forget, or become "too busy" for friends. People that I hung out with back home for two weeks, everyday, don't talk to me in any way now that I am not there. It's like, if I am not there to be with, I am not important enough to talk too. Same even with some of my college friends. Too busy, or to afraid to admit they just don't want to talk to me, I don't know. Either way, I can guarantee some of those people will come back saying "I missed you! Why didn't you talk to me? It's like you fell off the face of the Earth." To which I correct them and inform them that it takes two to tango (or make a conversation ha). I guess it just makes me wonder if people are truly your friend, if they only really care to talk/hang out, when you are close by/within walking distance. Now I am not fussing trying to say I want attention, that's not the case. I just, I like to talk to people, to keep in touch with friends, but I am finding it hard lately to do so. It's not like I ask for conversation everyday, of every minute. But a text once and while, or even a text back, just trying to make contact would be nice. Besides, I always hate those long sappy facebook messages of people trying to update each other on their lives. ha (I know, I am occasionally guilty of it).
On the family note (and I am sorry this is such a somber, depressing blog. You don't have to read it) in fact, this part is kind of me venting or expressing feelings about family. Because lately, I haven't had anyone I can talk to about it. People don't care to hear, are too busy, or just, I do't know. They don't understand, and the people I could talk to that did, don't have time. Anyways. I just don't know about my dad anymore. Late one night, while I was home, my brother and sis-in-law stopped by to give me something. I miss them a lot, and talking to them. Yet whenever dad was brought up, my brother sounded like he had lost all hope in him. This gets embarrassing, but I told my brother how dad had gone to the bathroom all over the room the other day, because he couldn't hold himself up. To which my brother blatently replied, "As bad as it sounds, I don't think he is going to make it much longer." Referring to living. It's as if everytime I come home, he is worse. I mean just within the two weeks I was home, I had to constantly pick him off the floor, make him food, he couldnt walk, yet two days he tried to talk to the hospital and fast mart to get food. I mean, one day he was arguing with mom and said "Ya know, for being 70 years old, I am doing just fine." MY DAD IS 50! He is losing it, and I can't do anything to help it. And the annoying part of it is, he doesn't care to try. Mom told me about his new doctors visit (I can't even count how many doctors he has gone through) and how he flat out told her that he doesn't do things around the house cause he doesn't want too. He is being lazy and it's frustrating. To be quite honest, part of my hates him for everything he has done to me, and the family. I don't even exist to my grandmother anymore. Yet apparently she wanted to call and fuss at me cause I never told her about Master's Twelve concerts. She has NEVER cared, so why now? Why that ONE thing? Yet the part of me that doesn't hate my dad, is laying real heavy on my heart right now. With what my brother told me about dad not making it much longer, it kills me. For so long he hasn't acted like my dad till he need to tell me what to do with my life. Which always occured at the worst times. So I never talked to my dad. Here I have this close relationship with mom, where I tell her pretty much everything. And my dad doesn't even know what I am in school for. And it's my fault. He will sit with us at meals, and I will talk and look at mom. Then from a side view see him just sitting there, totally lost cause he has no idea hat I am talking about. I sit and the table with him and end up talking as if he isn't there, and that's WRONG. Sometimes he tries to be with me, and instead, I don't know why, I just get so irritated about it, as if I don't want him around. And then I feel bad cause all he wants to do is spend time with me, even though he does the stupidest stuff. And it kills me even more because things with him are just habit now. When he walks to the fast mart to buy food and asks if I want something, it's just so easy to say 'no' and then go out to eat with mom. And I feel guilty about it, cause I know when I am at school, he sits at home by himself, and eats by himself. And I know he is lonely, yet I never try fix things when I am home. And for that I am a horrible daughter. I sit there and see my dad hurting, sick and lonely, and yet I can't bring myself to leave my room and be with him. And when he tells me he loves me, it's just habit to say it, I don't feel it. But when I left this past week, I cried. He said it, and I thought, with what my brother said, what if it was the last time? I said it so apathetically. I feel like such a horrible person for it. I just can't bring myself to do otherwise! ARGH! I just don't know what to do. I know everyone's probably thinking, just go talk to him, hang out with him. But it is way easier said than done. Don't get me wrong, I used to do stuff with dad, like ride bicycles and motorcyles and what not, but now he isn't healthy enough to do anything, I mean, I used to get him to play volleyball now I can't get him to stay awake to watch a show with me. I want things to change, I just. I really just don't know.
Being in this dorm pretty much alone doesn't help things right now. I have all the time in the world to sit and think, and I am tired of sitting and thinking. So I am sorry that this is such an emo blog. I just needed to get things out. Flat out right now-I am lonely. I just want people to talk to. But in a week it won't matter. I'll be at camp. Also, I just want to sleep. I am tired, my eyes are heavy, but I can't bring myself to actually sleep. Hope y'all are having better luck. And a good summer. bye..
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