life cycles

So once again, I can't sleep. I have really got to get past this. I don't know what it is, but I am loosing sleep, loosing my appetite even. All of which is not good. It is sad that it shows enough that my best friend can tell through facebook chat and tells me, "Erin, you aren't yourself lately.." I try to get distracted from whatever is on my mind, but of course it is all temporary. I thought for a while now that I have had certain situations under control, that I had faced them and everything was going to be okay. Wrong. I have just been running from them, covering them up. And I am flat out too weak to face them. Sad thing is, I can feel myself changing, hiding, supressing everything. Yet I am not doing anything to fix it. I mean, I hang out, and I put on a facade to make it seem like I am okay. But it's just that, fake. The scary part is I don't even know what has brought this on. Who knows..
So while being unable to sleep, I decided to go through all the sites I am a member of. Blogs, facebook, myspace, emails. Wow do I have a lot, and I got rid of a lot. No need for all of them. Welp, came across my old xanga account. I had totally forgotten about it. So I decided to read some of the blogs I had written since the very end of high school. Ya know what is ironic? Life cycles around. Some of the things I wrote about then, I feel or write about still today. From dad, to being used, to drama, to not knowing what I want to do with my life, aka confusion. It is all still there, even if it is at different degress now, it is there. So why? Why does my life seem to constantly cycle through? The pain and guilt of my father, the confusion of if I am at the right school. The feeling of being used by others. It is a constant cycle I have let myself live, and I need to break it. But I don't..why? good question. No answer for that yet. Couple of the blogs I wrote talking about how I wish life were easier, or I could figure out what to do, God this and God that. Surprisinly, there was a comment on one of them that I think I needed to read.

"sometimes when you try and set up a situation where God has the "chance" to show you where to go, nothing happens. Perhaps the fact that you were ASKED to try out for the traveling team has some meaning behind it; maybe that was God trying to get you plugged in to something where your skills and talents will be used best. remember...God spoke in the gentle wind, not the earthquake (2 Kings 19:11-18). in this passage Elijah tries to "complain" to God; he states that he has been very zealous and honorable in carrying out the orders from God but receives nothing more than death threats from Jezebel (earlier passages) and others. when he is done, God simply gives him three tasks to complete; in doing this, God is telling Elijah that his work is not yet done and that God is always there for Elijah. Likewise, even though some things go wrong in life, God is always there for us and has a plan for our lives. it's simply up to us to choose to either follow that plan or take a road we like better. hope this helped a bit!
cheers."-burtonboarder757

I think at the time I kind of just blew it off (no offense) but now, it kind of helps me. I sit here wondering what I am doing with life, asking what I am supposed to do. I mean, I am not getting up doing a bunch of stuff and not listening to the whispers cause I am so busy. Rather, I am so quiet while asking for help, yet my mind is constantly wandering, and I am not truly listening. It doesn't work to just sit in silence and expect God to talk that way. Listening is key, which I am not putting forth complete effort. So while I feel that life's vicious cycle is something I can't break, or something I didn't notice. I think rather me reflecting, and even me reading my old blogs is God telling me to look at myself. I am constantly doing what I think is right, but in relationships, I say I leave it to God but I am not. So me seeing the guilt and pain of dad, and the using by others, God is showing its constant role in life, and telling me that I CAN change it, and that I need too. And me repeating that I need to leave it to Him, I am obviously not doing, and I need too. I need to get on track, and I need to give it ALL to Him. I have to break the bad habits, the routine and become who He wants me to be. I just hope I can..
I am sorry these blogs are not the happiest, or the best. It is sort of me reflecting. Feel free to say whatever you want to me, or not say anything. Your choice. But now you know what is going on in my head. So I am setting a goal. Devotions. Reading my Bible again, and learning from it. So later today, that is what I am going to do. And rather than me being emo or whatever in the next blog. Hopefully it will be a reflection of my reading. Where to start..guess we will find out in the next chapter of life. ha. later