What do you want in your future? Job wise, home, financial, relationship, spiritual wise, where do you plan on things going? This is something that has kind of plagued my mind for weeks now, really ever since I got turned down for a job. Okay, I'll lay it out for ya:
I came to RBC my freshman year in hopes of being a worship and music minister/or leader. Well, that same year I was told that being female, I wouldn't make it far. Put quite a damper on things, right? ha. Well, my mom kind of decided for me at that point that I would teach music. I liked babies, but not 3rd-5th graders, so I thought I'd teach high school. This required me to dual enroll at a nearby university, which I am currently still attending. Nothing seems wrong with the picture, right? Wrong. I still don't want to teach necessarily. Over the years of being here, I have helped lead worship at churches and in chapel and have loved every minute of it. If you read blogs prior to this, I continually talk about not knowing what I am called to do by God, but that I don't really want to teach (I'd rather perform or something). Though now that I think about it, perform is the wrong word. I still want to lead. I don't want the complete leadership role of talking and being the main vocalist/instrumentalist, but I want to help lead.
This job that I applied for was just something I figured I would do for experience and money. It was a job working with elementary kids (3rd-5th grade mainly) teaching them songs to do for church on Sundays. I didn't think highly of it, I just wanted to learn and be involved in a church somewhere because I feel so detached from churches. I can't seem to find one that I connect well in and I find myself church hopping =/ So I interviewed at the church, still weary about it. But after about 2 days I started to get really excited. I talked about it with a few friends (Mike and Conley) and weighed the pros and cons. But unfortunately, 2 weeks later they called and said I didn't get the job. Only reason being that I would not be here over the summer. My disappointment was greater than I had anticipated. I thought that after a few days I would get over it, yet I didn't. It still runs through my mind. Opportunity for what I originally wanted to do, sort of, slipped out of my hands for that moment. It stunk.
So this got me thinking, what do I really want in life? Sure there are things that I crave, or think I need, or think I want; most of the time those are just temporary things that don’t really matter. I needed to figure out what I wanted for my life. I have had a rush of emotions and thoughts the past month that I am simply boggled. There are good emotions, and bad, and of course neutral. There are times I feel I am completely comfortable and happy, and times that I feel so out of place. I feel like dropping out of school sometimes just to go on with life, then I think sometimes I want to learn as much as possible. It’s a basic feeling of not knowing what I want. I just know I want to do what God wants. There are certain things I feel I have been given the opportunity to fix, try again, and start. I don’t want to miss out on those, yet I don’t always see them. Fear has been the strongest emotion for me lately. I am scared that I am doing something wrong in school, relationships, family, every part of life. I don’t want to mess up. I want to be able to open myself up to someone again, without the fear of pain, but I can’t. It blows. I care so much, but I feel I can’t show it cause I am too scared to get close again. But the fear of messing up and not telling or showing my love is there as well. Flat out-I am scared....
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