Future Pt. 2

FUTURE CONT.

The previous blog about the past few weeks/month escalated into me thinking about what I want when I get out college. I thought for the longest time I would go live on my own, get a job in a school part time or whatever, and also have a part time job somewhere else like Red Robin. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that's not what I want. This is going to be the selfish sounding parts, and all of this is ultimately up to God.

I am tired of searching. Searching for love, career, everything. Whilst driving to school an overwhelming feeling of wanting to be done came over me. I am ready to settle down. I want to be able to go to classes, or work, and come home to someone. Relax at home with that special someone, buy groceries, cook food, etc for/with that someone. I'm ready to be content and happy and not trying to impress people because I have someone. In all honesty, I want to find someone I can help lead worship with. I want to be a part of a church, and find someone else that wants to be a part of a church as well. I never would’ve thought that I would want to marry a leader in a church, but I do. The idea of waking up every morning to someone I love, no matter the flaws and sins he commits, and living every day with him is something I crave. To sit and watch movies till late at night, then crawl into bed and just lay, feeling completely at home. Making him silly little letters to find in his papers at work to remind him how much I care, although he can tell just by my actions. To sit and know I can trust him with other people/girls, knowing that he likes me for me although I may make mistakes, and he chooses to help me fix them. Just to be able to sit in a room, no words and just know, to be happy just being in that room with him. I want to be able to help him and talk to him about his day at work over dinner, sing with him, do devotions with him, read the Bible together, share and learn things about each other everyday. I want to grow as one with someone.

This is such an odd and new feeling for me. I was always the person that thought it was good to date people, even if you didn’t think you’d marry them. To me, that was the purpose of dating, to figure out exactly what qualities you want in a spouse. You can’t fully know what qualities you want till you experience them. But I know what I want now. I only have a few main qualities and others fall behind it. Things such as being a Christian, funny, fun to be around, attractive (yes I am somewhat shallow), talented, and accepts me for me are important (not just those, only a few mentioned). I don’t want to be someone else’s second pick if they don’t even want me. But I am just ready to settle down. Okay marriage is maybe a little too soon, but I am ready to find that person and just be me and not worry etc. I want to make someone else as happy as they make me. I want to get my own place, with a dog, maybe a cat, and maybe eventually kids. I just, I feel ready to be at that point in my life, but I know in many ways I am not ready.

There are goals in my life that I need to start keeping for once, instead of letting them slip. I want to learn as much as possible about music, better myself in every way, and help others. I need to learn not to honestly care what some people think of me, and do things foremost for God, then myself.

I want to be a faithful wife, a caring mother, and more importantly a

servant of God.

I just have to be patient and wait to see what God wants for me. It will be a long and winding journey, but I know with God, I can do it. I don’t feel at home here, and this isn’t my home. But until I get home, I want to find a place here I can call a home. I am sorry if none of this comes out sounding to eloquent, and possibly not make sense. It’s kind of just following my train of thought, which itself is scattered. Don’t doubt that will be more blogs about stuff like this, there probably will. I just really wanted to write this down soon.