ever felt like you don't know if you are doing the right thing?
I am talking about like, ever. Not just work, but that, relationships, careers, life! So yesterday I feel asleep really early by accident. I didn't expect to sleep as long as I did. A short nap turned into 4 hours. I tried to sleep through the night, but obviously I failed. So I got up and did some things around the dorm. Getting to the point, it's about 3am, and my room mate(who did the same sleep thing I did) asks if I am still up. To which I reply, "yes." She continues to ask if I ever feel like I am doing the wrong thing. Immediately I stopped breathing for a second. This was something I perpetually think about. Often times I try to get it to stay in the back of my head cause I tend to go off in tangents about it. Bad thing. So I answered her and told her how I think about it all the time, I just choose not to talk about it. I thought she'd drop it, but she went on how she is scared she isn't going to like what she's in school to be, and how she thinks sometimes she isn't right in hearing what God is calling her to do. That maybe she is interpreting it wrong. (Keep in mind, I don't mind that she is talking about it, I just wasn't sure what I was going to say, I didn't want to go off in a tangent). I told her that often times I think about, in fact, everyday. And I told her that I feel while we may choose a path to take, whether it be the road less traveled, or the beaten path, we will end up where we are supposed to be. We may diverge, but God will bring us back to His plan for us. Ha, and then I said "All roads lead to Rome kind of thing," to which she made me feel bad for comparing God to Rome, which was not what I intended.
So to go off in my tangent: I feel sometimes, what I want to do really bad for a career, and what God wants me to do, are two different things. But then I don't even know what God seems to want from me, and it frightens me. Everyone else seems to "feel" God calling them to do this and that, and I feel like that last kid picked for dodgeball, or the kid left alone on the merri-go-round. I don't know what God wants of me, no matter how hard I pray for help, I can't feel or sense anything. I'm afraid I'll be one of those college kids that goes home with a degree and works at Red Robin the rest of my life. Cause to be brutally honest-I don't want to teach music, and that's what I'm studying to do. I never wanted to teach. I wanted to help out other choirs, but I never wanted to teach. I hate teaching. And yet, I don't feel like I am really good at anything. I want to act, but I am not outstanding at it, I know. I am constantly searching, endlessly. I want to transfer, still, but I feel sometimes I have good reasons for it, while at times I feel I am just running to something else, hoping that's where I am supposed to be. I keep praying, and working towards my degree now, but what if it's not what I am supposed to be? What if I am interpreting God's call wrong? I know I will ultimately end up where God wants me, and that I need to fully rely on Him, but I am just scared.
When it comes to other things, like relationships and jobs, I'm really chill about it for the most part. What happens, happens. But sometimes things can just get so frustrating. No lie. I am a very fickle person, I don't know what I want all the time-so I've come to realize. I mean, lately I have found myself regretting some decisions in the past, like from freshmen year in college, and then like things I said or didn't do a few days ago. Just little nit picky stupid things. And I always wonder, did I make the right decision when it comes to guys. Ya know? Like, is this the right guy for me? or no. It's just something else I tend to leave up to God. But like I said, sometimes it can just get frustrating. And to be honest, it's not like I am looking for a relationship at the moment, not that I am not at the same time, but I would love to just go out on a date once, and have fun with a guy. Seeing as I have never done that. But around here, its like heaven forbid you go on a date once with a guy, even if he is just trying to be nice, cause you're going to get married if you do. I don't know. But I do know its about 2:30 am, and I have church in the morning, so I need sleep. Welp, feel free to let me know what you think..or you can just ponder over this yourself. mkbye.
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