As of late

Struggling. Lately, I have been struggling. It is the second week of school but my mind feels as if it should be the last week. It is as if I am spreading myself thin, yet I am not involved in that much here at school. More so, I have been living in the past-in a state of nostalgia. It can be good, but at the same time can beat me down in a heart beat..

nostalgia |näˈstaljə; nə-|

a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.

See-the definition itself even says 'happy.' So what is wrong with it? For me, everything. I find myself wanting the life I had not even a year ago, and it is unattainable. So in order to cover that longing I am doing everything I can. I am hanging out with people I never would have last semester, volunteering to do things that I normally wouldn't, literally any and every thing. I pawn it off saying that since I am a senior I want my last year to be fantastic-this holds some truth, yes. Yet for the most part I am just trying to keep my mind occupied. I miss the way some aspects of life were-the activities (ping pong-NO ONE PLAYS ANYMORE!! ugh), the people, the connections, and the simplicity. This year I am constantly walking on pins and needles, trying to not cross fine lines between what was and what is. It is not that I am living outside of reality, no ma'am. I am VERY aware of the reality. It's more so that I just don't like the reality.

But like I said, this can be good. See, in trying to cover this feeling I am branching out. I have problems with assuming, worrying/fretting, and being nervous about things that are out of my hands-always have. But I am almost to the point I was my freshmen year. Someone once told me that they loved me for the "bubbly, happy, beautiful girl" I was freshmen year. I would constantly say "that's not me, that's not who I really am." But it's a lie. If I could act like that freshmen year, then of course that was a part of who I am. I want to get that back. I want to be carefree again. So I am trying, and for the most part I think it is working. But that is where I get tired physically and emotionally. Because in the back of my head I am still worrying about one particular thing. The two combined, the thoughts and making sure to branch out, in my mind is so heavy. You cannot be truly happy unless God is the source of your happiness. Spiritual happiness-yep, God is the source there. But emotionally, not so much. I feel like there is a hole inside me that needs filling, that physical and emotional attachment. I need to fix that hole with God. Things are never going to be what they used to be. It is obvious. Though I would drop everything I have, pack up and go for it-it is not happening. The plans I had made are no longer; need tweaking. That is the reality I don't want to face. I want everything to be happy and okay because thats who I am. I like things to be easy, happy, okay, and everybody get along. BUT it's not reality. Reality is that things change, people change, they move on, life keeps going. People go in and out of your life, help you and hurt you. Shady. Same with everything, jobs even. But you have to learn to keep on truckin'.

These are incomplete and scrambled thoughts. For that, I apologize. I just wanted to sort of let out what is building up inside lately. I hate asking for it, but those of you who read this-could you pray that i just get some sort of clarity, peace of mind here soon. before i go crazy ha. thanks so much guys.

Tomorrow is the "first" day of school for some. Class don't start till 5pm however. Luckily, I don't have a night class this year-thank goodness. So Tuesday will technically be my first day. Everyone has moved back into the dorms as of tonight. It is nice to see some new and old faces. I've missed people. I am not ready for classes though. Actually, I am just not ready for this year. Part of me wants to just pick up and move elsewhere and not deal with all of this. Yet I am so close to being done that I would be dumb to just quit now. It still doesn't feel like I am a senior. I feel like since I am a senior I have more responsibilities, but I don't really. Like, I should come up with more cool ideas for activities and socialize more with other students. I've already started to, but it iss exhausting for me. I got so wrapped up in a small circle of people last semester that became easy and I could handle it. This semester I am having to branch out and actually get used to everyone saying hi to me again. It's not bad, just hard for me to keep track of everyone haha.

I just don't feel ready, and I don't like it. I'm praying that God gives me the strength, courage, and peace of mind to handle everything as it comes. I have faith that God will provide, I just need to stay open to Him. So a few prayers from you guys would be greatly appreciated. Thanks :)

I don't really have anything else to update on the moment. oh! I am starting to write music and draw again. It feels good. Okay, now I am done. Laterr

Ready or Not

Tomorrow marks the beginning of my senior year here at college. A wave of emotions flood over me while I write this blog tonight. I am excited for I will be done in a year and able to go on and live my life without homework, ha. Yet part of me is real nervous. I'm not sure where I am going or what I'll be doing. You know those people who map their lives out from high school and follow the plan till marriage? How do they do it?? Life throws me so many curve balls that I don't see how I could map my life out and expect it to pan out as such. I know it won't. So while I am excited about being done, I'm nervous about the end also.

Gosh, nerves don't even begin to describe my feeling right now. I am not ready for this year. I don't have control over every aspect of my life and I can't breath when I think about it. I am a control freak: I like to be in the know, to be able to do what I can to achieve or avoid things. I hate feeling left out. It is impossible to have complete and utter control of every aspect, I know. But it is hard to let God have it sometimes. I forget that God has a reason and a plan. While things may hurt or seem chaotic now, it will all eventually make sense.

I feel like tonight (SNL) was something I needed for a moment. Watching those teens pour their hearts out to God through worship-no words can describe how great it was. I miss being able to just worship, not worrying what people think of my voice or my actions during worship. Being free and feeling like it's just God and me. I envied those teens tonight that raised their hands and sang to their Father. Yet I let so much weigh me down, and get in the way, that I can't focus on just God. And when I did focus, for a split second closing my eyes, as soon as they opened reality kicked back in and I felt so small, so overwhelmed. All the stress came back, the worry, the drama, the "what-ifs."

Tonight was an eye-opener, both during and after SNL. I've realized so much in about 2 1/2 hours that I'm not going to share on here. Things will change, some for the better, some for the worse. I can't control it, I'm not supposed too. That's going to be the hardest part. I said I was ready to be done with school earlier, right? Tonight, I wish things were like they used to be..

Lean on Me

Let me just say this first: I am exhausted, so if what I write makes no sense or seems all over the place-it probably is. :)

To me, a relationship is any sort of "ship" you have with something or someone. This can be relationships like boyfriend and girlfriend, husband and wife, parent and child, or also friendships. I'm sure there is a better word to tie all of these together, but when I use the word relationship I am not necessarily referring to dating or marriage. Had to get that straight.

Relationship is defined as:

|riˈlā sh ənˌ sh ip|noun- the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected

The word "friend" means someone you like who also likes you. This liking involves a "friendship kind of" affection based often on personality and common likes and interests

This is important in life, to have relationships with people. Not all relationships are good or bad, some relationships don't even have an effect on your life. Yet there are those relationships that do affect you. You meet people that change who you are, that influence you for the good and the bad. People that come and go in your life, people that are always going to be there. But no matter what, these relationships are important.

Practically, they are crucial to emotional and personal development. We learn to become who we do in part through our history with relationships. Some people get stuck in their development in a self-absorption stage and never move forward into give-and-take relationships that inevitable require some level of death to the self. These people are not only friendless, but they usually tend to have a diminished capacity to give and receive love of all kinds, including marital love. But all that is beside the point. Relationships are good not only personally, but also for our moral development. I mean, it offers a second person with whom we share our thoughts, feelings, judgements and criticisms. A guy named Paul Wadell wrote “One reason we have friends is that there is a good we share with them, but the reason friendships grow and become such a delight is that we cannot be good without them, indeed, we cannot be good at all.”

The Bible shares many views on relationships, both romantic and friends. Eccles. 4 discusses the rewards of friendship, which are practical rewards. The psalms offer the fact that our friends will even betray us and that the search for a true friend will lead us to the conclusion that we can only rely on God. However, the value and pleasure of the bond between like-minded people is exalted in Psalm 133:1- “Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity.”

Lately, I have been working on getting these relationships back with people that I had. People that I neglected for others. I pushed them to the side thinking it wouldn't matter in the long run if we were friends. And still right now, there are some people that I don't know if it is worth it. However, I will still try because I don't know, only God does. Someone that I think could be in my life 'forever' may only be around a short time, while someone I would think wouldn't last past college could turn out to be someone I share a porch and twenty cats with in my eighties. haha. For the record, I hope I don't become an old cat lady...anyways. I guess what I am trying to get across is that, think about the people in your life, the people that have come and gone because either they chose to leave or cut them out. Should you? Was it for your benefit or just bitterness. Think about the friendships you have, are they give and take more so on their side or yours, or do you actually neglect them as a friend. Kick them to the curb to pick them up whenever you want. Is it worth it? There are people who will be in your life whether you want them to or not sometimes, in my opinion. And for you, there is always going to be someone who you would take a bullet for though they could seem to care less. But don’t let their actions be a reflection for you to your other friends. Always be there for them, don’t cut them out because of an argument, a breakup gone bad, a difference in views, or over petty things. You never know when you may need them. I am grateful to the people that have not let me down or chosen to not be my friend again. Thanks for the second chance.

"A true friend can never have a hidden motive for being a friend. He can have no hidden agenda. A friend is simply a friend, for the sake of friendship. In a much greater way, love for God is love for God’s own sake. Bernard of Clairvaux wrote that our natural inclination is to love for our own sake. When we learn to love God, we still love him for our own sake. As we grow in friendship with God, we come to love him not just for ourselves alone, but also for God’s sake. At last, we may reach a point where we love even ourselves for the sake of God."

God shapes you to be who he wants. But don’t think for a second that what you do, how you act, or who you hang out with don’t also change you. God is love and God is friendship. He loved all and cared deeply about his relationships with people. Maybe we should too.

Something to ponder...

Part deux?

I stated in my last blog that I probably had a few other things to add to my “list” and well, here they are:

- I want a change of scenery so bad. Take a road trip, move somewhere for a few months, I don’t care. I’m just craving something new, something different. That new movie “Eat Pray Love” basically is what I want to do ha. But seriously, around winter time-I want to go to New York City. I mean, going with a few friends and that someone special with it snowing, drinking hot chocolate or coffee, and cuddling in front of a fireplace, mmm. Sounds absolutely wonderful. Have I mentioned I love snow and winter time? Lol.

- On that note, I would love to go snowboarding this year. I have never gone and want to try it so bad!

- I am trying to get people to go on a game show with me. I want to make some easy money with friends :) I have the perfect team in my head, though I don’t think it will assemble like so. We shall see.

UPDATE: No one in elizabeth city seems to be able to help me out with my tattoo. Talk about irritating.

- I am tired of fake people who use others. Flat out-dumb. hypocrites.

- I have seen soo many movies in the past two weeks that I’m surprised I haven’t gone bankrupt. “Inception” by far is my favorite so far, with “Grown Ups” coming in behind it. I can’t wait to see “Dinner with Schmucks” with Anna on Monday!!! I heart Steve lol. Also, “The Expendables” looks promising. "Going the Distance" I have to see cause of Justin Long, yet I think I will hate it. haha.

- There are two shows coming up that I can’t seem to find anyone to go with. Sucky. The Civil Wars is playing back home, if I can’t find someone who likes them, I’ll just get an old friend to tag along maybe. Also, NEEDTOBREATHE is playing in Portsmouth. I have asked about 24 people and they have all said no. I can only think of one person left to ask, buuuuuutt. Yeah. Anyways. Interested in going??

- I have talked about starting p90x like 20 times. I never seem to get past the first 4 discs ha. But there is two weeks left till school starts (including my intensive week). My goal is to get a start on this for the two weeks. I want to actually do this haha.

- My job got real interesting just since my last blog. It was like the first month I worked there everyone was hesitant on what they said and did around me since they knew I went to a Bible College. This month it’s like “let’s see if we can push Erin’s button.” I’ve never felt so overwhelmed about gay rights, cursing and things. I mean, I can handle it, I guess I just didn’t expect it at a work place.

- Watching “Balls of Fury,” I miss playing ping pong. That is all.

- So old, antique, classic cars (pick the adjective you prefer) are a weakness of mine. Mainly old pick up trucks. Just the other day there were two down the street for sale. Man did I want to buy them! I don’t look like a girl that likes trucks, or even cars, but they are soooo awesome! Haha. From old sports cars like James Bond would have (I heart James Bond movies btdubs) to pickup trucks, pop shop cars, to my ultimate favorite. Just click on this link, she is a beauty. I love this thing and want one so bad. I mean does this alone not look cool?? The only other car that could rival with her would be this. (For the record, that is not the exact car, but I could not find the one I really wanted. But it gives you the proper thought). Gosh I would love to have this one, drive to the beach everyday with my stuff on top, my feet hanging out the windows, friends in the back. So cool.

That’s all for now. Take care!

Part 1

So I just have a few things I want to share/get out.

- I have been doing a lot of reading lately. This includes books, blogs, and even the newspaper (not just the comic section). Makes me feel good to read, yet I think I need a new topic. All the books I’ve read are generally about the same thing, and it’s getting kind of old. Any book suggestions??

- Work is getting a bit better. I really enjoy my boss Josh. He is definitely a refresher to the previous bosses and co-workers I have/had. He doesn’t sit around and cuss and talk trash about customers, he talks about decent things! Other co-workers are good too, lol. It is definitely a new experience at BR.

- School starts back up soon. Well, intensives first, then school. Mixed emotions. Ready to be back around some people, others not so much. Sort of ready for the work load, yet I need to figure out what I’m going to do with online classes. I don’t have a great work ethic for them, so I’m thinking maybe I can sit in the back of a class to do work? Maybe. I’m hoping I can do more work with worship and such at school. With circumstances having changed, I doubt I will, but hopefully I can.

- That being said: I am a senior. In college. Crazy. I thought I had my life all mapped out at the beginning of this summer as to what my plans were after I graduated, and now I am back in that “let’s see where life leads me” stage. Sucky in so many ways. Not to mention it adds to my stress. I want to do something with music and a church, but I don’t know God’s plan for me. Soo, let’s see where life leads me! Ha

- I am itching to get a new tattoo. I’ve got two ideas in my head that I can’t get out. I am not going to go into much detail here for a few reasons. 1) getting tattoos is something for me, not necessarily for others. I don’t get them to show them off to everyone I see and boast about how many I have. The one I’ve got now was to sort of symbolize my passion, and it is in a place that I could technically show others, yet is more for me and whoever I am close with in the end. If that makes sense haha. 2) After having a discussion with someone last semester about placement of tattoos, he convinced me that I didn’t really need to let everyone see them. If they are on my arm or calf fine, if they are anywhere else then keep it to myself. 3) I don’t know if or when I will be getting thought of tattoos, but why go into detail and risk my super sweeeet ideas being taken by others? Ha just kidding, but seriously. I am itching, but it takes a lot for me to follow through with tattoos and piercings.

- Speaking of itching, I want to go camping sooo BAD. You have no idea. Everyday I drive, I wish I could just stop time and sit on the hood of my car and stare at the sunset. Or just lay out at night and stare at the stars. I would LOVE to see a sunrise. I have never seen the sunrise in my entire life. I’ve been up early enough, but been inside or something and missed it. Sad, I know.

- I am REALLY bad at updating my other blog. I have all these topics written out on my computer, but they are incomplete. Therefore, I feel they are unworthy of being posted on my blog. I really should finish them. Maybe at another time.

These are just a few of the things on my mind today. I’m sure I will blog later, or tomorrow about some more that I feel didn’t “fit” with what I wrote. Laterr.