Change

change | ch ānj|-(verb)make or become different , (noun)the act or instance of making or becoming different, an alteration or modification, a new or refreshingly different experience.

It's what I want. The verb change is what I would be doing, but the noun change is what I crave. I want a change whether it be school, atmosphere, state, career, anything. I am sick of the same ol' stuff. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed to have all that I do, and to be all I am right now. I just want to make adjustments. I feel like all I am doing the past few days is search endlessly, to no avail, for a job. I cannot find one to save my life right now. I mean, sure I can pick up little, low paying jobs here and there, but I need a real full-time job for the summer. Yet I feel like I am not finding one because this isn't where I am supposed to be right now. I think a majority of that has to do with my attitude about small Elizabeth City as of late, but I just want more. I think all the time of going other places, other states. I mean, imagine being in New York! It would be crazy busy, but maybe I could find a job and work on my portfolio for the career I want, ya know? Or in Hawaii/Jamaica. Ryan is seriously blessed to be interning in Hawaii this summer. She deserves it and I know she will do great works to further the Kingdom of God, but sometimes I wish that were me. I wish I could have the chance to go somewhere and intern for the summer. I am ready to be done with school, Lord willing I only have a year left, but I don't know what my future will hold. Who knows where I'll be living or what I'll be doing. Of course God, but He is the only one that truly knows. I thought everything was figured out in my head and heart about my future, but I feel it was more of an "in the moment" thing. I'm just not excited about things like I would be, and have let my bitterness/anger about things show more often. It's like the only thing I do that excites me these days is riding a bike. Everyday I ride a bike at some point. It's a breath of fresh air, a stress reliever, a joy. I can spend from 5 minutes working out on it, to an hour just riding around and be completely relaxed and peaceful. You really get to see the beauty God has created when you are not whizzing by going 60mph in a car. Exhilarating. I just want a change though. A major change in my life. I don't know if I am ready, I don't know when or if God will provide this changing opportunity, I just know I crave it right now. Here's to hoping.

Bittersweet

So this morning was graduation. It is marked as an important day to those who have finished school, and an important to those who love them. Graduation has, and always will be, a bittersweet relationship. Excited to be finished, sad to leave friends you have made. We get so used to people living in such close proximity that when they graduate, we are left with a sense of emptiness. At least in some cases we are, other cases people are excited to leave and get away. No matter how you feel about leaving though, everyone that graduated today has taken their leap into a brand new life. For some it means buying a house in a different state, to others it is searching for a full time job. No matter what we find ourselves doing when we graduate, it is a whole new ball field. It is weird to think that this time next year, I will be the one walking across the stage, receiving my diploma, and moving on with a new life that God has prepared me for.

But am I ready? Right now, of course not. Will I be ready? I do not know, but I sure hope so. I am not sure where life will take me over the course of the year. I don't even know where life will lead me this coming week. The sense of unknowing, not being prepared is scary. God is there though leading me, asking me to just trust him. Ha, every time I think of God saying trust me, I think of the scene in "Aladdin" where he tells Jasmine to trust him on the magic carpet. That's kind of how life seems often times. God is reaching his undying love, grace, trust to me and I am having to choose whether to take the leap on the carpet with him, or go back inside. Weird analogy for some of you, but I like it. All I know is that when I take that ride with Christ, it is all Him. The flips and turns are His will, and I've just got to hold on and KNOW He won't let me fall. Scary, but exciting to see where God takes me. Whether life will be almost the same as it is now, or different. Will I be able to come back to college, or will financial issues get in the way? Will I want to stay in the major I have chosen, or change it? Will I be married, or single? Will I know in my heart what God wants of me..so many "will I's." Just keep praying is all we gotta do. :)

Back to the bittersweet. I am sad to see my friends graduate this year. Alina and Joe, Kevin and Jessica, Kalyn and Stephen, Jacob, Josh, all you guys. School will never be the same. Seeing you guys graduate brings tears to my eyes for sorrow and joy. I am sad to see you go, but excited to see what God has in store for you. I love you guys.

Mrs. Guthrie. Oh, Mrs. Guthrie. As I write this tears are flowing. You are an inspiration, a tower of knowledge, fortress of strength. You are so much to so many of us. I am saddened to see you leave for you have touched my heart in ways I can't begin to tell you. You are my Mom away from home. Your experience in situations gave me the knowledge I needed to make the right decisions. You could bring a smile to anyone when they were upset. Your door was always open when I needed somewhere to cry, or just borrow salt. Your way of teaching was like no other. You brought so much to the table, and gave us so much to take away. You truly are, as Perkins puts it, an "extraordinary leader." It hurts to see you go, and I will miss you so much. I love you and wish you the best in Florida. FCC is blessed to have you as a future leader.

Danielle. You haven't graduated, nor are you NOT coming back. But I wish you the best of luck in Africa. It is scary and a new place for you, but I know you are ready. God has prepared you for this all your life whether you know it or not. You will do extraordinary work for God's Kingdom. I have faith that you can do it. Just remember, God is in control and your main man :) I love you, be safe.

Sorry if this became emo/mushy for you. Today has just been a rollercoaster of emotions. Congratulations to the graduates of 2010 at MACU and everywhere. May your life be filled with joy and love as you continue on your journey. Have a good night. And Happy Mother's Day to all Moms out there!!! :)

So it is May the third, at 12:35 AM...why am I writing that, you can read it up top ahaha.

Okay, so this week, starting Tuesdays is finals week for ECSU and MACU. It is bittersweet right now, for I am stoked to be done with school work, but sad in a way cause I feel I'll have so much free time now. Speaking of free time-in my last blog I think I mentioned not having a place to stay over the summer other than back home. Well folks, that has changed..sort of. I was offered the chance to stay at a friends house and sort of fill in for her at her job. Everything was going great, thought I had the job and then low and behold 2 days ago (a week before summer), I get an e-mail from the boss lady saying they aren't going to hire me. It was like a kick in the face because I feel I hadn't done anything. So now I am on the prowl for a job in town, and the only place that has responded back for hires is Ruby Tuesdays [not excited about that]. I hope I can find a job here soon though. I really want to stay around here and experience life in a different way. I feel/hope that if I can stay this summer, it will teach me a lot about myself and help me to mature. If I go home I'll just go back to my routine.

I have fallen out of touch with my two/three best friends..neither has really called me back when I've called them, which saddens me. Yet I haven't taken the time to call again this week. I will make time to do so though. Have I mentioned Mike is leaving to live in New Bern??? :( sad thought. I am so use to us being around each other basically 24/7 and now I'll be lucky to video chat/see him twice a month. sucks. I really like him. We fight and bicker, but things still always work out somehow. I guess we shall see how summer plays out. I cannot control every aspect of life, and need to remember that. God is seriously in control. mmkkk later gators.

spring has yet to sprung

So it is march, and it has yet to become warm on a regular basis. This week calls for about 60s the whole time, maybe some rain. I wonder if it is a fluke though. I've heard a couple things about the weather lately-intriguing stuff, ok not really, but still. For instance: the earthquake in Haiti was so big that it threw the Earth of its rotation a bit, and that caused all the cold weather and snow. Also, that as a result of this abundance of cold, we shall have a heat wave this summer. Needless to say, I am kind of stoked about that. I plan on being around the beach a lot, and I like warm beach weather :)

I think that point in my life where I want to be done with school has become full blown. I know everyone always says, "Don't rush college, stay in it as long as you can. The real world is no fun. I miss my college days." I don't think that though. I am ready to be done with school, living in my own apartment working a full time job and being, well, just being done with school. I don't really know where I want to live, or what kind of job I'll get, I just know I want to be out there. I think the fact that I am unsure of those things is kind of God saying "well Erin, this is why you still have a year left. slooowww down and focus more on me :)" haha, maybe in more eloquent wording, but who knows. maybe God would call me dawg hahaha. probably not. I know I don't want to live at home this summer, yet I can't really find anywhere cheap to live. bummer. I just find myself wanting to get away from campus more and more, not necessarily go home, just anywhere; greenville, new bern, richmond, chesapeake, etc.

Speaking of chesapeake-WP is going well I think. My "boss" e-mailed me yesterday telling me I was doing a great job, and members of the choir say the same. But whether I feel of done a good job depends on the outcome. If the music and everything goes smoothly, the boss is pleased, and the choir has fun I'll feel a bit at ease. Yet if all that happens, AAANDDD people that come watch the "Passion" are touched and feel God compelling them to commit to Him-then I will feel I have completed my internship fully. Right now I am at a hump though. It is so close to being done, and performance time that I feel myself not wanting to do the job. No bueno.

School is school. Nothing really positive or negative to expand on...

I like Mike Twine :) hehe

aaandd, that's all folks! buh bye!

Can people really change?

Do you think it is really possible for someone to truly change who they are? I know in past blogs I have talked about how I am going to change for the better, etc. Yet I haven't. Can I really do it? Do I really want to? Or am I just trying to fake myself into thinking I want to change?

Is it possible for someone to change who they are, or how they acted in a situation in a span of a few months? Can someone really be different during the fall-spring, than they are over the summer? It's something that puzzles me. I want to believe that people change, but it's a trust issue to me. To hear what people tell me about the past shouldn't matter, but it does. It makes me wonder if everything that is happening, or all the things I've been told now are even true. I'm sorry if this is emo sounding, but having just had a deep conversation with someone about the past 4 years really got me thinking. Am I selling myself short? Going with what I have cause it is comfortable, because I want things to seem A-Ok? I don't know. Weighing pros and cons, cons seem to beat out pros. I want to change things, to be a different person for the better. I know I can. But can others? Do they themselves want to change, or do they say so to please others, to kid themselves also?

I shouldn't let things get to me so easily. I needed to hear what was said tonight in a way, a much needed conversation. But I didn't want to hear it, cause I don't know that it still applies. I guess it's one of those things that has to play out, see what lies ahead. I feel torn in so many directions, each tied to a different emotion and outcome of certain events. It's tiring. I have to just see what God has planned for me though.

forgettable

forgettable |fərˈgetəbəl|adjectiveeasily forgotten, esp. through being uninteresting or mediocre.

So I was thinking: this morning in class, EVERYONE had their computer (myself included). Tonight, while snowing, and sitting in my room, I was on my computer and my phone. People are so involved with technology! Phones, computers, ipods, twitter, facebook, email, chatroulette, you name it. We are enthralled in it. I think it has hindered us so much within these past few years that we forget about the important things in life. To love and care for one another, and to show them who Christ is. Sure we can use technology to do so, but what about those that don't have it? There are always going to be people you can't reach via internet, people that long for the physical relationships rather technological. I am not one to preach because I spend so much time on facebook and email. I applaud those that fast from it every now and then, for I have a hard time with trying that. But I don't want to be one of those people that sits on the computer 24/7 and forgets to interact with others. That's my goal, to come out of the shell and make deeper relationships. To not sit and expect them to have facebook and chat on their occasionally. Don't become one of those people either..get out there. People all over the world need what we have, Christ.

New beginnings

So today marks the beginning of a new semester. Registration is officially over, and I start all my classes bright and early tomorrow at 8am. I'm kind of excited about this for a couple of reasons: a majority of my classes are at MACU, so I'll feel like I belong again rather than the stranger on campus. Also, I have switched back to the worship minor since I can't afford the Music Education at ECSU-this all means I'll be done with school a LOT sooner than anticipated. The only bad thing I've found so far is that since I couldn't do much here, I have a hard time socializing now. Eh, I'll work on it.

I start my "job"/practicum at West Park on Wednesday (which also is Mike's birthday). I'm kind of nervous. At the same time, I think it will be a great experience. We shall see what God has in store with this.

Relationships with all people seem to be just fine. I seem to have taken an "I don't really care" attitude. Good and bad..because I don't get involved in people's drama, and good cause I can still be involved. Question though: if something is bothering you, and you don't tell people..what is your reasoning? See, I tell people things that bother me-at the right time, and place if I can find one. Yet, if I've mentioned it before to the same person more than once, why bother mentioning it? Am I wrong? If they don't change it the first couple of times, then I learn to just get over it and look past it. Tell me if you think I'm wrong with this idea.

Hope everyone is excited to start classes back up. It will be a good semester, promise. :) laterrr