Shed my Skin

Notice: These are ramblings..

Sometimes I wish I could be someone else. Not necessarily a celebrity, or someone who has what I want. Rather be someone else to see Erin Miller from an outside person. Better yet, I wish I could be a fly on the wall. Floating around, observing human body, and others. Eventually realizing the truth vs. lies, the realistic vs. unrealistic. I wonder so often what my life could be like if certain things were different. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed in ways some people couldn't imagine, but there will always be those moments that I wish I could step away from my life. Find out what people really think/feel or say about me, their motives, sometimes random stuff. I get tired of being depressed about dumb things, but I can't seem to fix it. Lately, it has been taking a toll on me physically. I am tired, grumpy, emotional, and my chest just hurts. Not good. I am not sure the root of these feelings, though I have an idea. I pray with all my feeble heart that I am wrong though. Sometimes I just don't like me. I know, I know. "But God loves you just the way you are." That's all fine and dandy, but I want to love myself too. I want to feel happy and confident in decisions. Not scared. I can easily cry and play things out loud in my room alone, but when faced with the actual situation I can't even bring myself near those same words. I am a unconfident, nervous, worry wart, scaredy cat. Why can't I change that? Or at least an easy way.. I want to like me, and be the person I was. Stand up for all the morals and beliefs I once had, but I don't. I've lost my backbone, I've stepped back into the shadows. I'm just rambling now.

I just want to find me, ...again.

New Blog?

I am thinking about starting a new/different blog. This blog here I plan to keep almost like a journal, updates on my life etc etc. But I want to create a journal to blog about what I think about, like Christian aspects of things, did you know facts, whatever. I am thinking that the other blog will contain longer posts. Maybe? Probably. So keep a look out for that, and I'll be sure to post the link to it if I do create a new blog.

In other news: this house makes really strange noises. haha. it is kinda creepy from time to time. I am still looking for a job. I think I've applied a billion places..let's see, I tried the YMCA, Ruby Tuesday's, Banana Republic, Currituck Welcome Center (Monday), Hibbit's, Belk, NuQuality(Monday), Wine Cellar (Monday), phone calling place, um..camp Rudolph and other places I can't think of right now. So far, no luck which sucks. Pray I can find a job here soon, I am in desperate need of one. I went on craigs list today and it seemed like every place to get one was in Greenville or New Bern. I like New Bern. Not just because Mike is there, but it is nice, the people are nice, it is just a nice place.

What else..I am biking everyday and love it. I biked 2.62 miles tonight in about ten minutes or so. Felt great. I am doing crunches and pushups every night also, but I don't see or feel any results. I am hoping I will sooner than later. I have become obsessive with tv shows. When I am not job searching, I am watching shows like "The Office," "Lost," "Vampire Diaries," "The O.C.," "Psych," the list goes on. It's bad, real bad. I need my summer classes to start so I feel more productive. Granted I wash dishes and do laundry and clean my room and some of the hosue up every day, and my bike rides, but I feel like all I am doing is watching shows on my computer. FRYING MY BRAIN!!! haha. not really. ok that's all I can think of for now. tata!

oh! p..s..

POLL!!: I am thinking of ridding my face of it's multiple piercings, I am sick of them getting snagged. I mean, lip ring got snagged on a freaking apple today, AN APPLE!! >:o lol. So here's the question/poll:

What do you think of my piercings? Keep or get rid of them.

Change

change | ch ānj|-(verb)make or become different , (noun)the act or instance of making or becoming different, an alteration or modification, a new or refreshingly different experience.

It's what I want. The verb change is what I would be doing, but the noun change is what I crave. I want a change whether it be school, atmosphere, state, career, anything. I am sick of the same ol' stuff. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed to have all that I do, and to be all I am right now. I just want to make adjustments. I feel like all I am doing the past few days is search endlessly, to no avail, for a job. I cannot find one to save my life right now. I mean, sure I can pick up little, low paying jobs here and there, but I need a real full-time job for the summer. Yet I feel like I am not finding one because this isn't where I am supposed to be right now. I think a majority of that has to do with my attitude about small Elizabeth City as of late, but I just want more. I think all the time of going other places, other states. I mean, imagine being in New York! It would be crazy busy, but maybe I could find a job and work on my portfolio for the career I want, ya know? Or in Hawaii/Jamaica. Ryan is seriously blessed to be interning in Hawaii this summer. She deserves it and I know she will do great works to further the Kingdom of God, but sometimes I wish that were me. I wish I could have the chance to go somewhere and intern for the summer. I am ready to be done with school, Lord willing I only have a year left, but I don't know what my future will hold. Who knows where I'll be living or what I'll be doing. Of course God, but He is the only one that truly knows. I thought everything was figured out in my head and heart about my future, but I feel it was more of an "in the moment" thing. I'm just not excited about things like I would be, and have let my bitterness/anger about things show more often. It's like the only thing I do that excites me these days is riding a bike. Everyday I ride a bike at some point. It's a breath of fresh air, a stress reliever, a joy. I can spend from 5 minutes working out on it, to an hour just riding around and be completely relaxed and peaceful. You really get to see the beauty God has created when you are not whizzing by going 60mph in a car. Exhilarating. I just want a change though. A major change in my life. I don't know if I am ready, I don't know when or if God will provide this changing opportunity, I just know I crave it right now. Here's to hoping.

Bittersweet

So this morning was graduation. It is marked as an important day to those who have finished school, and an important to those who love them. Graduation has, and always will be, a bittersweet relationship. Excited to be finished, sad to leave friends you have made. We get so used to people living in such close proximity that when they graduate, we are left with a sense of emptiness. At least in some cases we are, other cases people are excited to leave and get away. No matter how you feel about leaving though, everyone that graduated today has taken their leap into a brand new life. For some it means buying a house in a different state, to others it is searching for a full time job. No matter what we find ourselves doing when we graduate, it is a whole new ball field. It is weird to think that this time next year, I will be the one walking across the stage, receiving my diploma, and moving on with a new life that God has prepared me for.

But am I ready? Right now, of course not. Will I be ready? I do not know, but I sure hope so. I am not sure where life will take me over the course of the year. I don't even know where life will lead me this coming week. The sense of unknowing, not being prepared is scary. God is there though leading me, asking me to just trust him. Ha, every time I think of God saying trust me, I think of the scene in "Aladdin" where he tells Jasmine to trust him on the magic carpet. That's kind of how life seems often times. God is reaching his undying love, grace, trust to me and I am having to choose whether to take the leap on the carpet with him, or go back inside. Weird analogy for some of you, but I like it. All I know is that when I take that ride with Christ, it is all Him. The flips and turns are His will, and I've just got to hold on and KNOW He won't let me fall. Scary, but exciting to see where God takes me. Whether life will be almost the same as it is now, or different. Will I be able to come back to college, or will financial issues get in the way? Will I want to stay in the major I have chosen, or change it? Will I be married, or single? Will I know in my heart what God wants of me..so many "will I's." Just keep praying is all we gotta do. :)

Back to the bittersweet. I am sad to see my friends graduate this year. Alina and Joe, Kevin and Jessica, Kalyn and Stephen, Jacob, Josh, all you guys. School will never be the same. Seeing you guys graduate brings tears to my eyes for sorrow and joy. I am sad to see you go, but excited to see what God has in store for you. I love you guys.

Mrs. Guthrie. Oh, Mrs. Guthrie. As I write this tears are flowing. You are an inspiration, a tower of knowledge, fortress of strength. You are so much to so many of us. I am saddened to see you leave for you have touched my heart in ways I can't begin to tell you. You are my Mom away from home. Your experience in situations gave me the knowledge I needed to make the right decisions. You could bring a smile to anyone when they were upset. Your door was always open when I needed somewhere to cry, or just borrow salt. Your way of teaching was like no other. You brought so much to the table, and gave us so much to take away. You truly are, as Perkins puts it, an "extraordinary leader." It hurts to see you go, and I will miss you so much. I love you and wish you the best in Florida. FCC is blessed to have you as a future leader.

Danielle. You haven't graduated, nor are you NOT coming back. But I wish you the best of luck in Africa. It is scary and a new place for you, but I know you are ready. God has prepared you for this all your life whether you know it or not. You will do extraordinary work for God's Kingdom. I have faith that you can do it. Just remember, God is in control and your main man :) I love you, be safe.

Sorry if this became emo/mushy for you. Today has just been a rollercoaster of emotions. Congratulations to the graduates of 2010 at MACU and everywhere. May your life be filled with joy and love as you continue on your journey. Have a good night. And Happy Mother's Day to all Moms out there!!! :)

So it is May the third, at 12:35 AM...why am I writing that, you can read it up top ahaha.

Okay, so this week, starting Tuesdays is finals week for ECSU and MACU. It is bittersweet right now, for I am stoked to be done with school work, but sad in a way cause I feel I'll have so much free time now. Speaking of free time-in my last blog I think I mentioned not having a place to stay over the summer other than back home. Well folks, that has changed..sort of. I was offered the chance to stay at a friends house and sort of fill in for her at her job. Everything was going great, thought I had the job and then low and behold 2 days ago (a week before summer), I get an e-mail from the boss lady saying they aren't going to hire me. It was like a kick in the face because I feel I hadn't done anything. So now I am on the prowl for a job in town, and the only place that has responded back for hires is Ruby Tuesdays [not excited about that]. I hope I can find a job here soon though. I really want to stay around here and experience life in a different way. I feel/hope that if I can stay this summer, it will teach me a lot about myself and help me to mature. If I go home I'll just go back to my routine.

I have fallen out of touch with my two/three best friends..neither has really called me back when I've called them, which saddens me. Yet I haven't taken the time to call again this week. I will make time to do so though. Have I mentioned Mike is leaving to live in New Bern??? :( sad thought. I am so use to us being around each other basically 24/7 and now I'll be lucky to video chat/see him twice a month. sucks. I really like him. We fight and bicker, but things still always work out somehow. I guess we shall see how summer plays out. I cannot control every aspect of life, and need to remember that. God is seriously in control. mmkkk later gators.