in the words of dory

Sometimes, it is just hard. But I keep pushing on.

I miss how things were.

how I felt.

what I did.

the friends I had.

...it all.

I know that God has a plan and a reason for everything that happens, but sometimes I just want to be like, "Alright God, come on now, give me a clue here, please." But I know I won't get the response I want back. Trusting Him isn't the hard part, it's being patient. It's pushing forward, moving on with your life, rather than sitting around all day waiting for His plan to make itself known to you. That's the conclusion I have come up to this past year, few years actually. I knew God always had a reason for things to happen as they did, but I had to learn to wait, to be patient. He planted people in my life for a reason, what I wanted I wasn't going to get right then, but eventually. Now, I still trust Him, but I think He is still teaching me to be patient. I didn't learn the first time around, and so He is giving me another opportunity to grow. The opportunities may not be what I expect them to be, they may hurt, and I will ask questions. Not questions of doubt and misbelief, but of when, where, and how? But at least He is giving me these chances. However, it does get harder, my heart grows weary from it. What's that phrase? "It'll only get worse before it gets better." Something like that. So I know in the long run this will be worth it. I will be stronger once I am past all of this. But in the meantime, my heart and my mind need to come to an understanding.

STOP!

plain and simple. stop thinking about it. then my heart wont hurt like it does. cause its not coming back. its the past. embrace the future.

"just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

One of those days

So today is one of those days. It's a day where I am ready to be done with school, have my own house/apartment, own pets, a job, and someone to relax with.

It's one of the strongest feelings I have had in a while, and while it is nice, it is rather depressing. I have all these thoughts and memories of spring time, hanging out watching movies, staying inside, flying kites, playing with dogs and cats, laying in a hammock, long car rides, margaritaville, etc. While great memories that I wouldn't change for the world, I will never get the chance to make those same exact ones again. Sure I can make them another time, possibly with someone else. But it's not the same. It's just weird. I thought I was past all this, but apparently spring has sprung me from the mental prison I called "freedom." I just tricked myself into being past all of it. The suckiest thing is not only can I have that person/opportunities back, I'm not done with school..so no chance of a place of my own with pets and a hammock. Gosh, I just want it like it used to be..

I am better than this..

I've lost my focus. I've lost my beliefs. I've lost my goals, my aspirations. I've lost me, who I really am.

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk

I don't know what happened. I can't wrap my head around it. This semester I have hit an all time low. My grades are absolute crap. I'm not graduating in May. I'm lonely. I'm not going to church as regularly. All these things that aren't me! I just want to know what happened..I got so wrapped up in just having fun and finding someone to make me happy that I didn't try being happy with just me. (Ya know there's a quote for that, something like "If you can't be happy with just yourself, you'll never be happy with anyone." I don't know, something like that.) Because I relied on others, all I've felt like lately is total crap. That I'm not good enough, I'll never accomplish anything, I'll always be alone. And before, I would have never let this get to me. This stuff wouldn't affect my grades, my attitude, anything.

I AM BETTER THAN THIS!

it's so frustrating because I know this, but yet I can't get my mind past everything to actually act upon it. I'm wearing myself out trying to get back to who I was. I exhaust myself to the point of wanting to just cry, and I give up. Then I have to start all over again. This is so stupid! I deserve better, I am good enough, I can do great things with what I have. So why have I let people allow me to feel so small and worthless still? What should I do? Just wish their was a reset button that connected to the mind where I could forget all the words said, all the memories had, everything, and just start fresh.

"Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?

Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming"

Cycles

Why do we do the things we do?

I ask myself that question time and time again. I have yet to come up with an answer I can agree with for myself, personally. The common answer I've heard though is:

We are humans, sinful beings living in a sinful world, not guided by the one by whom we should be.

I can't disagree with that, but I think that for each person there is another reason that is special for them. Like a personality trait or birthmark that is specific to each person. So why do you do the things you do? Why do I? Oh man, I'm sure if someone had the answer to that, they would be rich! Alas, I am still in search of my reasoning.

There are things in every person's life that they struggle with daily; career, school, future, love, relationships. They are all normal occurrences in our daily lives. Some of these things seem to run vicious cycles, while others only last a short while. Take for instance careers-I've known people to struggle with jobs because either they were unsatisfied with what they had, or they just couldn't keep one. Struggle. College seniors struggle daily with school and future on the same plate. What if my degree doesn't land me the dream job? What if my diploma is worth nothing? Struggle. And then there is love/relationships. People struggle with finding "the one," keeping interest, making commitment, finding flat out happiness. Struggle. And as we take the journey with each of these endeavors, we question our reasons. Why stay in school if its going to be for nothing? Why look for love, when it always just slaps me in the face?

I feel like I am being hit hard in every aspect lately. And with each endeavor I am asking myself, "Why?" What is it that keeps me coming back, from just packing my bags and leaving town? The thought has crossed my mind so much as of late, that I find myself detaching from things. I don't want to deal with school, with the future, with jobs, with love. Each thing has scorned me in some way in the past year and I'm fed up. But why haven't I left yet? It may be because I am hoping school will ease up on the work load, that I'll be graduating in May (hopefully), that the job could be good for me and open doors I didn't know existed, or cause I am madly in love. It could just be cause I am that kind of person who doesn't give up. I honestly have no clue. I just know I am running in this vicious cycle around everything that doesn't need to be a focus; that it's wearing me thin and I feel I may crumble soon.

So how do I change that? I've tried giving up and letting go of the things that hurt, but I always come back. I always run the same race to only end up in the same last place. They always say to put God first and focus on Him. I plan on doing that. But at the same time I want to focus on me. I think it has finally hit me that I always put others before me in most things, and forget what I want and need. I am depriving myself of the possibilities of what kind of godly woman I could be. I don't know what will become of me, or what will result from this possible attitude. I am hoping great things. But I won't lie, it scares me. I don't know if I can do it, but I want to try. It's my last semester. I'm sick of running in circles. Here's to hoping.

...Until next time.

So it seems that October was the last time I posted a blog, a short one at that. Well, seeing as how late it is tonight, this one will also be short. But i thought I'd share something with you guys. So let's do a brief overview on what I hope to write about in the near future!

-school

-love/relationships

-future plans

-graduate school (?)

-friends

-music

-jobs

how about..

-Life in general!

welp, that sounds like the norm! hopefully tomorrow I'll have some time to do it! Until then..

Just a quick one

Alright, this is going to be a quick one. When I'am able to see what I am typing-I promise to write a more entertaining post.

Why am I unable to see my writing you may ask? Well, I am not quite sure. I believe my battery on the mac has turned into crud and therefore my backlight is not staying lit. I have my fingers crossed it is nothing more serious. So I get to go to Virginia tomorrow and get that fixed.

In other news, my grades are really good (all A's) so that is exciting.

I seem to be having a harder time saving money with this job I have. So no progress on the tattoo's department-sad day.

I am picking up a regular exercise routine. Now just need to get my meal and sleep routine regular.

I think, am almost 100% positive, what I would like to do when I graduate (haha I sound like a high schooler). More details on that another time.

I have seen David Crowder twice now. oh. my. gosh. Definitely discussion on that later.

I believe that is all I can really think of at the moment.

hum..oh yeah..

IT'S FALL!!!!!! :D

Scrambled

Nothing new has really happened in life. I still have a sense of nostalgia that I would LOVE to go away, now. Alas, it does not. School is becoming harder and harder. The work is not bad, but it is the lack of motivation. All I have dreamt about lately, day in and day out, is packing up the essentials and just going. Selling my car to get one with better gas mileage and no roof (maybe) and just trekking across the wonderful United States of America, with no care, no rhyme or reason. I just want to leave all of "this," whatever "this" is. I constantly feel suffocated or like people just don't care. There is no in between feeling for me. Sucky.

I'm sure as you are reading this you might be thinking, "But Erin, it just sounds like you are trying to run away from reality." And you know what, in a sense, I am. I want change, like I've written about so many times before. But I feel I can't do so much change where I am. So I want to branch out-leave everything & everyone, and start over. I don't want to deal with the stress and drama I face everyday. I don't want to sit here and fret over whether or not I am where God wants me to be. Or worry if I will make it as a worship leader, or if I am even cut out for it. It's beginning to be too much. I think I am good at something, and then I get knocked down. I should persevere and keep going, but I can't find the strength to anymore. (I am in no way trying to be depressing. In fact, as I write this, I am not depressed, rather anxious cause I really just want to GO!) I'm not sure where I am going, what I am doing, or what any outcomes will be. In a way, I am okay with that while other times it scares the crap out of me. I mean, graduation is soon-what in the world am I going to do?? I have to make new plans since others fell through, but I don't care too. I want to be a "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of person. Is that so wrong?

Have you ever seen the movie "Into the Wild?" That's what I want to do right now. Maybe not in the woods necessarily, but I want to detach from everything around me and focus on my relationship with God. I want to grow. Step out of comfort zones and be at peace and know better, understand more, just be more for God. ahhhh lol. alright, that is all for now.

Let's see what happens.