So it is May the third, at 12:35 AM...why am I writing that, you can read it up top ahaha.

Okay, so this week, starting Tuesdays is finals week for ECSU and MACU. It is bittersweet right now, for I am stoked to be done with school work, but sad in a way cause I feel I'll have so much free time now. Speaking of free time-in my last blog I think I mentioned not having a place to stay over the summer other than back home. Well folks, that has changed..sort of. I was offered the chance to stay at a friends house and sort of fill in for her at her job. Everything was going great, thought I had the job and then low and behold 2 days ago (a week before summer), I get an e-mail from the boss lady saying they aren't going to hire me. It was like a kick in the face because I feel I hadn't done anything. So now I am on the prowl for a job in town, and the only place that has responded back for hires is Ruby Tuesdays [not excited about that]. I hope I can find a job here soon though. I really want to stay around here and experience life in a different way. I feel/hope that if I can stay this summer, it will teach me a lot about myself and help me to mature. If I go home I'll just go back to my routine.

I have fallen out of touch with my two/three best friends..neither has really called me back when I've called them, which saddens me. Yet I haven't taken the time to call again this week. I will make time to do so though. Have I mentioned Mike is leaving to live in New Bern??? :( sad thought. I am so use to us being around each other basically 24/7 and now I'll be lucky to video chat/see him twice a month. sucks. I really like him. We fight and bicker, but things still always work out somehow. I guess we shall see how summer plays out. I cannot control every aspect of life, and need to remember that. God is seriously in control. mmkkk later gators.

spring has yet to sprung

So it is march, and it has yet to become warm on a regular basis. This week calls for about 60s the whole time, maybe some rain. I wonder if it is a fluke though. I've heard a couple things about the weather lately-intriguing stuff, ok not really, but still. For instance: the earthquake in Haiti was so big that it threw the Earth of its rotation a bit, and that caused all the cold weather and snow. Also, that as a result of this abundance of cold, we shall have a heat wave this summer. Needless to say, I am kind of stoked about that. I plan on being around the beach a lot, and I like warm beach weather :)

I think that point in my life where I want to be done with school has become full blown. I know everyone always says, "Don't rush college, stay in it as long as you can. The real world is no fun. I miss my college days." I don't think that though. I am ready to be done with school, living in my own apartment working a full time job and being, well, just being done with school. I don't really know where I want to live, or what kind of job I'll get, I just know I want to be out there. I think the fact that I am unsure of those things is kind of God saying "well Erin, this is why you still have a year left. slooowww down and focus more on me :)" haha, maybe in more eloquent wording, but who knows. maybe God would call me dawg hahaha. probably not. I know I don't want to live at home this summer, yet I can't really find anywhere cheap to live. bummer. I just find myself wanting to get away from campus more and more, not necessarily go home, just anywhere; greenville, new bern, richmond, chesapeake, etc.

Speaking of chesapeake-WP is going well I think. My "boss" e-mailed me yesterday telling me I was doing a great job, and members of the choir say the same. But whether I feel of done a good job depends on the outcome. If the music and everything goes smoothly, the boss is pleased, and the choir has fun I'll feel a bit at ease. Yet if all that happens, AAANDDD people that come watch the "Passion" are touched and feel God compelling them to commit to Him-then I will feel I have completed my internship fully. Right now I am at a hump though. It is so close to being done, and performance time that I feel myself not wanting to do the job. No bueno.

School is school. Nothing really positive or negative to expand on...

I like Mike Twine :) hehe

aaandd, that's all folks! buh bye!

Can people really change?

Do you think it is really possible for someone to truly change who they are? I know in past blogs I have talked about how I am going to change for the better, etc. Yet I haven't. Can I really do it? Do I really want to? Or am I just trying to fake myself into thinking I want to change?

Is it possible for someone to change who they are, or how they acted in a situation in a span of a few months? Can someone really be different during the fall-spring, than they are over the summer? It's something that puzzles me. I want to believe that people change, but it's a trust issue to me. To hear what people tell me about the past shouldn't matter, but it does. It makes me wonder if everything that is happening, or all the things I've been told now are even true. I'm sorry if this is emo sounding, but having just had a deep conversation with someone about the past 4 years really got me thinking. Am I selling myself short? Going with what I have cause it is comfortable, because I want things to seem A-Ok? I don't know. Weighing pros and cons, cons seem to beat out pros. I want to change things, to be a different person for the better. I know I can. But can others? Do they themselves want to change, or do they say so to please others, to kid themselves also?

I shouldn't let things get to me so easily. I needed to hear what was said tonight in a way, a much needed conversation. But I didn't want to hear it, cause I don't know that it still applies. I guess it's one of those things that has to play out, see what lies ahead. I feel torn in so many directions, each tied to a different emotion and outcome of certain events. It's tiring. I have to just see what God has planned for me though.

forgettable

forgettable |fərˈgetəbəl|adjectiveeasily forgotten, esp. through being uninteresting or mediocre.

So I was thinking: this morning in class, EVERYONE had their computer (myself included). Tonight, while snowing, and sitting in my room, I was on my computer and my phone. People are so involved with technology! Phones, computers, ipods, twitter, facebook, email, chatroulette, you name it. We are enthralled in it. I think it has hindered us so much within these past few years that we forget about the important things in life. To love and care for one another, and to show them who Christ is. Sure we can use technology to do so, but what about those that don't have it? There are always going to be people you can't reach via internet, people that long for the physical relationships rather technological. I am not one to preach because I spend so much time on facebook and email. I applaud those that fast from it every now and then, for I have a hard time with trying that. But I don't want to be one of those people that sits on the computer 24/7 and forgets to interact with others. That's my goal, to come out of the shell and make deeper relationships. To not sit and expect them to have facebook and chat on their occasionally. Don't become one of those people either..get out there. People all over the world need what we have, Christ.

New beginnings

So today marks the beginning of a new semester. Registration is officially over, and I start all my classes bright and early tomorrow at 8am. I'm kind of excited about this for a couple of reasons: a majority of my classes are at MACU, so I'll feel like I belong again rather than the stranger on campus. Also, I have switched back to the worship minor since I can't afford the Music Education at ECSU-this all means I'll be done with school a LOT sooner than anticipated. The only bad thing I've found so far is that since I couldn't do much here, I have a hard time socializing now. Eh, I'll work on it.

I start my "job"/practicum at West Park on Wednesday (which also is Mike's birthday). I'm kind of nervous. At the same time, I think it will be a great experience. We shall see what God has in store with this.

Relationships with all people seem to be just fine. I seem to have taken an "I don't really care" attitude. Good and bad..because I don't get involved in people's drama, and good cause I can still be involved. Question though: if something is bothering you, and you don't tell people..what is your reasoning? See, I tell people things that bother me-at the right time, and place if I can find one. Yet, if I've mentioned it before to the same person more than once, why bother mentioning it? Am I wrong? If they don't change it the first couple of times, then I learn to just get over it and look past it. Tell me if you think I'm wrong with this idea.

Hope everyone is excited to start classes back up. It will be a good semester, promise. :) laterrr

I want

I want to be a great Christian.

..a great friend

..a great mother

..a great sister

..a great follower of Christ

..an inspiration

..a leader

..a better child of God.

I want to be so lost in God's word, that a man will have to find Him to find me.

..to be someone kids can look up too

..number one, under God, in my spouse's life

..to be on someone's mind often

..to be the one that gets spoken to first

..to be crazy about someone that is crazy for me

..not to feel infatuated with, but loved by others

..to not be only infatuated.

I want my feelings to matter to those that matter to me

..to not be pushed aside

..to be everything in a woman that someone has ever prayed to God for

..to be special

..to be respectful and respected

..to be loved and love in return

..to know why I am loved

..to not choose friends first

I want to be able to be a great spouse

..to provide for my kids

..help those in need

..work more in a Church

..put others before me

I want to stop feeling second rate

..second pick

..to feel confident again

..to not care what some people think about me

..live life each day to the fullest

I want to provide for the person I love, in a way that is holy and pleasing to God. I want to be everything and more for someone, and them for me. To do all these things I want, and more for them. I am ready to grow up and live life the way I should.

It's amazing to see how many things we want in life. From ourselves, our friends, family, boyfriend/girlfriend. We make lists and hope to meet every one of those criteria, yet we don't. We shoot down possibilities to be happy because we think we know what we deserve. In some ways we do, other times we have no idea. Lists like these are almost impossible to fill. These are not criteria that a spouse or friend need to match up to alone. It is up to us, as the creators of the list, to work on things ourselves. We can't expect a significant other to help us alone on self-confidence. If we have in our mind that we are always second best to who or what ever, then it is made up in our minds no matter what someone else says. We have to take the steps hand in hand with them to make it better. Completely break the mold that has been set, and rebuild it. It is part of the path to growing up and becoming the child God wants you to be. It is a rough and scary path, but God places people in our lives to walk with us, to hold our hand and be there so we aren't so scared. But don't leave it up to them to do all the work. Get your hands dirty, up to your elbows in work. Learn to love who you are, because believe it or not, things do work out. We may not see it, or want it that certain way at first, but God knows best. You'll find the best friends, the best significant other, the best job, you just have to trust. Don't lower standards for anyone because all of those will happen and be the best because they like you for YOU. Always remember that, and trust in God.

Until next time...

A penny for your thoughts

What is love to you?

That's the question I pose to you readers. I want to know what you think is love. How do you know when you love someone, or something? Do you love someone or something? Why? What makes your love for that person or thing blossom and grow into more than a mere infatuation. I just want to know your takes, where you stand with that word. Do you consider love to be perfect, with no pain, no strife, no conflict? Is it something that continues to grow the more it is experienced, the more you see it, show it, feel it? It is different for each person.

According to the dictionary, love is defined more than one way:

(1)an intense feeling of deep affection, (2) a person or thing that one loves, (3) (in tennis, squash, and some other sports) a score of zero; nil

but we are excluding the third definition, because that I don't really care for right now. hah. So let me ask again,

What is/does love mean to you?