"Lucy! You've got some splaining to do"

Earlier this evening, while sitting with my mom at California Pizza Kitchen, I had some thoughts pop into my head. Being the girl that I am, I tweeted said thoughts and I feel as if they did not come out as intended. But since they had already been seen/read, I felt it was pointless to erase it.

"Ever wondered if maybe it was just the idea of something in your life that you missed, and not really you missing that something?" -(this was the tweet)

Very confusing, right? I realized after sending it that it probably did not make any sense. I mean, I used the word miss(ed) twice, and something twice, basically being completely vague.

[side note: i wish i had my snuggie now, for my arms are freezing lolz]

While my tweet was as open ended as possible, the "something" as to which I was thinking of was specific. (making any sense?)

I feel like often times in our lives we have to step back and think about what it is that we miss. Sometimes we miss activities, friends, ex's, ha even school. But in some ways, it's more the fact that we miss the "idea" of those things. Example? I've said a few times before that I miss running. Sure, sometimes I may-the feeling of energy, losing weight, sweating, feeling of accomplishment. Yet when I really think about it, I miss the idea of running. I don't really miss having to get up and run 5 miles a day to accomplish goals, I'd much rather be lazy.

Hopefully that made some more sense. If not, well, the next example is going to be a bit personal, and will be hard vaguely explain-so here I go pouring it out ha. My Mother, bless her heart, this evening was trying to "find me a dude" haha. She would sit and point out all the guys that she thought I would think were cute. Granted, she wasn't far off base, but she thinks that in light of this summer, what I really miss is the "idea" of a boyfriend. So she tries to perk me up with finding me a new one? Nice of her and all, but no thanks. This has been a situation where I have been able to take a step back, out of my position and think, do I really miss the idea or do i really miss the person? Sure, I miss perks of a relationship: having someone to call or text when something great happens or something bad happens, even just call to hear their voice, to send random pictures of something that reminds you of them, tell someone you love them that they make you happy, spend money on them, quality time with them- who wouldn't? But that's not the case. I genuinely miss the person. (another side note: this isn't me "not letting go" or "hoping for the best" this isn't even me trying to do anything really; just venting). Sure, I miss what we had and everything, I thought it was good but apparently things change. Yet I didn't sit with my Mom tonight and say "I miss making out with so and so" rather "I miss making jokes with so and so", "Only he could make me laugh in this funk" or "I miss getting his opinion on things especially now that Kam (my brother) is the only dude I can ask" lol. There is a difference between missing the idea of what a person was and missing that person. I miss both, more so the latter.

People change, and people will fall in and out of your life. I feel it is ultimately your decision as to whether or not certain people fall out of yours. If someone, or something, really means a lot to you-it is up to you to make sure that they stick around. Granted, if they just pick up and leave, all you can do is try. As seasons change, so does your life. Don't be afraid to take a step back and examine your life, the people in it, the decisions you are making. Not every decision can be made with the heart alone, yet the mind also cannot make all the decisions. You have to think, as well as feel. God made us complex human beings for a reason. Life can't always be so simple.

"I'm going to miss you when you go."

"I will miss you too, but you are wrong if you think that the joy of life comes principally from the joy of human relationships. God's place is all around us, it is in everything and in anything we can experience. People just need to change the way they look at things."

-- Ron Franz and Christopher McCandless 'Into the Wild'

Out There

Outdoors I love being outdoors. Tonight while I write this, I am laying out on the hood of my car under the stars. I couldn't be more calm and happy. There is just something relaxing, better yet soothing, to me about all of what goes on outside. At night, hearing the crickets chirp, seeing the lightening bugs fly around, feeling the cool breeze after a hot day, knowing that God created all this. In this very moment, it is me and God and noone else (technically speaking). It's breathtaking.

Psalm 24:1-2

The earth is the LORD's and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; for he founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters.

I wish I could be outside all day, every day. Camp last week reminded me of that. I've gotten used to AC and fans and not to sweating. At one point I was immune to sweat from all the work I would do with dance and sports. Now sweating has become a gross thing. But I love sweating again. I understand that is gross as can be to most people, but for me it has its perks/feeling of accomplishment. I love the sun beating down on me during the day, playing in the sprinklers, mowing the grass, drinking tall glasses of tea and lemonade, hanging out with friends, riding bikes, and any other outdoors activities. And then to have all that come to sort of a close at night. Where it is just calm, peaceful, and quiet. Maybe friends stay for lounging on a hammock, or story time by a bonfire. Whatever the case, the occasion, I love being outside. I miss going camping with my family, joining in on the boy scouts activities with my brother and Dad. Nothing beats learning to build your own fire without matches! Speaking of camping-I REALLY want to go soon, like bad.

I think if I could move somewhere and live in a hut, I would be fine. Sure I would miss the high-tech electronics, fancy furniture, and AC, but seriously-just to be able to spend my days outside in God's creation 24/7 would be the deal. Words just can't describe my love for it. I know it hasn't shown as of late, especially while in college, because I have become accustom to the inside and all its greatness. But if I could simply camp outside the rest of my summer.. I would.

Let's live out in God's nature! :) lol.

Camp

I have missed camp.

Last summer I was on a recruitment team with the college that travelled to different camps working with teens. At that time, I was having fun but didn't want to do it again. At least that is what I thought. Thus far, the summer has been brutal partially due to not working at camps. Although the camp "week" I just came home from was only about 2 1/2 days, I loved it! I miss scheduled activities that never work without change, the kids/teens fussing and complaining about the heat, the food that reminds me of high school, having to strategically plan my morning routine for exercise and shower, late nights with early mornings, and the overall feel of grodyness. i love sweating too, as weird as that is to some people. Working with kids, setting examples for them, teaching them, helping them grow in their walk with Christ- I.LOVE.IT! These 2 1/2 days were the greatest days of my summer.

Whether or not I made an impact on these kids this week, since they were all so young, I feel like the kids learned so much from the week. (I have kids messaging me on facebook about me not being at camp again this year-1)breaks my heart cause i want to be there with them, 2)feels great to know that the remember and some have even told me the impact others and myself made on their lives). As young as these kids were, they had an impact on me. They helped me remember what life should be like in ways like the simplicity of it all, etc. Camp is never about yourself, me. It is always about the kids and their experience and relationship with God. However, I have to say that camp is exactly what I need sometimes too. The lessons they learn are ones that I need to be reminded of sometimes. God is really good and works in ways we can't imagine. Gah, no word can describe my feelings towards camp right now. I miss it, I am super bummed I won't be back at camp next week anymore.

I needed this week.

Highlights: having all girls in my group haha, singing with Jordan and Mike while Molly and few other girls did the dances with us, thunderstorms involving girls screaming in fear, Jordan's "bff", the water balloons hitting Chris and I, little boys writing letters to Mom saying "Hae" (hey) :D, ice cream fail, hoedown throwdown, running to put clues out for a game only to have it rain right after, color game in the pool...basically the whole time haha.

Learning Experience

So this summer has proven to be a learning experience on many levels.

For those that don't know, I chose to spend my summer "house sitting" for a friend. Thinking this was going to be great cause I'd get away from home, be on my own, and honestly be an hour closer to someone, reality quickly slapped me in the face. I spent weeks looking for a job, feeling lonely, wanting to move back home, and even ready for school to start back up. Which, side note-I am a Senior in college...I am graduating in May. I can't believe it. In some ways I think I am ready, in others I am still very naive.

So, I'd like to share some of the stuff I have learned while being here.

1- Always make sure your plans are firm :
coming to stay here I thought I already had a job, and was quickly let go. I spent the next month looking for something else to do, when in reality I should've probably just gone home.

2- Don’t ever make decisions based on want alone :
part of me stayed because I wanted to be on my own. Clearly, I was not fully prepared for the responsibility.

3- Whether single or not, loneliness will always be around the corner :
even when I still had a boyfriend there were times I felt really lonely in a house by myself. Unfortunately, where I am living isn’t a place to find a bunch of people to hang out 24/7.

4- If you aren’t willing to make the drive, don’t get a job far away :
the day I got a phone call back about the job at Banana Republic, I was so stoked. Mike had gotten me in with a manager and I thought this was a dream come true. Yet now I find myself hating the job. It is awkward there, and takes so much gas. Not to mention the drive-talk about lonely times. I regret not taking that job at camp, don’t get me wrong, I am appreciative I even have the job I do, but I miss camp, I miss working with kids and making a difference, playing sports doing what I love while furthering God’s Kingdom.

5- Don’t make someone a priority, if they are not going to do the same :
No matter how much you put into a relationship of any sort, if the other half isn’t willing to make the same sacrifices and such then where is the relationship headed?

6- Convenience is in everyone’s blood :
I don’t care who you are, what the relationship is, 9 times out of 10 if you are not within the vicinity of someone, then they will not make an effort to keep you. Facebook is great and all, but that isn’t how most people like to keep in touch with people. I get you can live far away from people, but a phone call or text is nice. I am even guilty of this. I don’t speak a word to friends back home until I am there.

7- Don’t plan your life around someone else :
This is an honest and rather mean part, and I apologize in advance. I stayed in this town due to someone else. I thought that being at least an hour closer (than if I had moved home) would make the distance easier. I could handle the loneliness and everything knowing I could talk/hang out with him once and a while.It all goes back to the convenience thing. I had planned the next year or so around my feelings for him, only to have it all thrown at me. I am sorry I wasn’t all that he wanted me to be, and that I couldn’t just let him acknowledge me whenever. That was hard for me. I don’t regret any decisions in relation to this person, never will. But I do regret choosing to stay here if this was all going to happen eventually.

8- No matter how much you try, if someone doesn’t want to talk to you, they will make that happen :
I don’t even think this one needs explaining really.

9- You can’t wash a load of clothes twice without the washer overflooding :
yeah..this happened this morning. Pissed.

10- Most of the time, people will tell you what you want to hear :
No one likes to hurt people, so they tell them what they want to hear, not the truth. Or they tell them things to make the situation easier on them, and then give them the harsh truth later. They will sugarcoat things.

11- People will lie :
this kind of goes with number 10. If you don’t want something, or you know in your head something and how it will play out-just say so. Don’t tell people one thing and then act another way, or crush them later.

12- You will miss people :
again, not much explaining. I miss certain people, not for reason others will assume. The comfortable conversation I had with a person is what I miss, just being able to talk about whatever, whenever. (Goes back to #8)

13- Life is unfair :
people change, they stop caring or they start caring, they love then they hate you, you try to make things perfect and someone or something will always throw a wrench in your bicycle wheel. And there is nothing you can do about it. What you may think as being perfect, someone else may not.

14- Negative, negative, negative :
That is what most people care to hear about, though the won’t admit it. The “juicy gossip.” And once they have negative thoughts in their head, they stick there. Had this discussion with a friend the other day about his significant other. In break ups and fights, the thing most thought about is the negatives- “well he never did that, well she was always doing this, hate hate hate etc.” rarely do they take time to step back and remember the positives “Well she was always there for me, he bought me gifts, she accepted me, etc etc” and in the heat of those moments you can’t get them to “see the light” you have to let them realize it on their own. It’s killer..

15- There will always be people who like you for YOU, not who you are with :
I thought for the longest time that most of the people I came to hang out with last semester were friends with me because of who I was with. As it turns out, that is not the case. Some have proven me right, while others have proven me wrong. It is great to know that the people I loved being around with him, I can still be around.

16- in hardship, it doesn’t matter what people tell you, it only matters what the other side of the situation says :
and you arent always going to fully know how to react and what to say or do. And it sucks.

17- Along with the hardships, the only one who can make you feel better is God :
I have always been the kind of person that whoever breaks me is the only one who can comfort me. In reality, that has never been true but with the recent person. Other guys have dumped me and I never wanted to see them. I feel at times he is the only physical human being who can comfort me, but I have to remember that he wont. That God is the one I need to rely on.

18- In life, there are always going to be people who break you :
there is really nothing you can do about it but smile and go on. They will always let you down. But not God! Haha

19- Love, Love, Love till you can’t Love anymore :
You can love someone with everything you are, every inch of your being and not get the same response back. But that doesn’t mean don’t love them. Keep loving that person even till there is nothing physically there, and past that physical love. God calls us to love one another, so why not? Just because you don’t get that love back like you want, because you love someone who doesn’t love you back, don’t stop loving. There are always people out there who will Love you.

20- Life is full of surprises

21- Men and women think differently :
Thanks to Amanda Avery, I have been reading “Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting in Your Differences” and let me tell you, its so on point. Though it is hard to keep in mind what the book says sometimes, it makes things well, make more sense.

22- Online classes suck :
I can never find the motivation to do my work. This is going to be hard because all my classes next year are pretty much online.

23- All this alone time is perfect for getting back in the Word :
I neglected my relationship with God so much in the past year. I believe in Him, my faith was strong, but I wasn’t filling my cup with Him. I have had a chance to read books I want to read, and read the Bible. It is great!

24- I never realized how much I do for people who I care about :
This isn’t me trying to be prideful, I have just been reminded lately that I tend to give. It makes me feel good because lately all I have felt is like I have tried to take and take.

25- “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find, you get what you need ” :
Rolling Stones couldn’t have put it in better words. Life has its ups and downs, sometimes you get what you hope and pray for and other times God flat out says no. It is nothing to blame Him for, it is just life. He created us to be obedient and do all things for and through Him, yet often we forget and just ask and take. God has a plan for each and everyone of us, but we don’t know that plan, He doesn’t tell us. It is killer for those of us who like to be in control. Whether you want that perfect job, or man in your life, if you think you found it and it slips between your fingers it may not be over, or maybe it is. Only God knows the outcome. Things always have a way of working out.

Sorry this was A-long and B-kind of depressing. These are just a few of the things I have learned recently. It is not meant to make anyone angry, or whatever, its just my thoughts. I want to thank those of you reading this that have been here lately, I really appreciate every one of you. I hope this summer will continue to teach me about things, and help me mature into the person God wants me to be. I don’t know His plan for me, I don’t know home much time it will take for things to get better, I just know He loves me.

Sooo you should tell me what you think, honestly. lol