anxiety |a ng ˈzī-itē|noun

a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome

So, as of late, my body and mind have been out of wack. I am not sure what has caused it, or how to get rid of it. For the record, I am in no way trying to complain, not trying to get pity etc. Rather, I'm hoping those of you that read this may be able to help me grasp what the problem may be.

It started with what seemed to be a simple headache, but has turned into a constant back and forth/on and off pain. Not the normal, "let me take some meds and it will go away" kind, but the kind where no matter what I take or how often, the pain is constant and there. On top of that, I get dizzy and lightheaded with every move I make. I stand, I sit, I stretch, I lay down, I read, I turn my head, even as I am typing. I almost feel like I am in a constant state of being tipsy (rest assured, I am not drinking). Alright, so after a day or two of that, add in the exhausted feeling but inability to sleep. Next day, add in the shortened breath and what feels like a racing heart beat. I've checked my blood pressure, my iron, my sugar, anything I could think of and everything is 'normal.' So I have no idea what is going on. My parents think maybe it is stress from everything that is going on, but it all started when I was NOT stressed about anything. Life isn't horrible even. Sure, I've added a second job, but I am STOKED about that. It's a job I've wanted for a while, and the original job is going well. My classes I am doing well in, getting work around the house done. No difference in friends or relationships. If anything, those have depleted in some ways. And even if you were to take that into account, it's nothing I haven't dealt with before in my life.

I know what it is like to be nervous and stressed, to know what depression feels like. Been there, done all that. But this is different. And the annoying part is I can't fix it. Nor do I have the time for a doctor's appointment this week. (Annnnd here comes the shortened breath again). It's getting ridiculous..

So uh......

is this what an anxiety attack feels like?

conundrum

i enjoy blogging, though my lack of posts suggests otherwise. i like writing about things in general, voicing my opinions, my feelings, anything that goes through this hodge-podge of fragmental thoughts i like to call a brain. but there are times that i feel i should not blog. there are things i feel i can't state on here. mainly, its a fear of certain people (no one in particular) reading what i may write and taking it the wrong way, or blowing it out of proportion, etc. so that means i shouldn't write about it then, right? "if you cant say anything nice, then dont say anything at all." though, some of the things aren't necessarily bad! i dont know. i have a tendency to bottle up emotions and thoughts, read into things to much, and frankly be a pessimist. those are the moments when i feel the need to blog the most though, once my glass is overflowing. sometimes its as silly as wanting to update my facebook status to say something that will make people wonder what its about, just so i can talk about it. but to be quite honest, most of the time it's not their business. so again, i just shouldn't put it out there.

i should invest in a diary..

but i get tired of writing all the time. my hand will get sore, and therefore i will loose interest in writing what im feeling. so.."why not keep an online diary?" like on my computer. well, cause it would take up to much space to be real about it. so "post it somewhere online." well, thats the point of a blog sometimes. but i just feel flat out wrong, like it is immature to express my emotions and 'drama' online for others to see. therein lies my, well, conundrum i guess. and i cant make it hidden because someone, somewhere, will eventually find it. thank you google..

its not that i am afraid people wont like me, its not that im not confident nor care what people think. in a sense, i do care, but that is because i dont want people to perceive me as something i am not. and above all, i dont like toying with peoples emotions. this includes getting their hopes up for nothing, hurting their feelings, making them mad, frustrating them, etc.

so what's a girl to do? should i even keep my blog? haha (this is actually kind of funny to me. sounds so childish).

Ever just stop to embrace the beauty of the world around you?

I know sometimes I tend to forget how blessed I truly am. Rather, I rush through my life day to day and tend to focus on what I don't have, or what I missing out on rather than the positives. I'm not going to go into every detail of how or why I feel blessed, but just think about it for a minute. There is so much that each individual may not have, but there is also so much we we take for granted.

My friends and family are something that I forget I am blessed with. I am very dependent on people, and I hate admitting that. I care what people think, feel, and I try my best to make someone's day better. But tonight, as I was riding in the car with my Mother, I was just staring out the window at the beautiful creation. I started thinking about where I was just a year ago, and how much I have learned and grown since then. It was a bumpy road, there is no doubt about that. Yet, I had a loving family and caring friends that dealt with me through everything. I may not have seen the light in some situations because I was blinded by feelings, or whatever. Now, I can look back and see what it was they were trying tell me; how everything they said was for my good, was right, and that I really did need to take a step back and examine my life. I took them for granted the most this past year. And I am going to try my hardest not to do that anymore. It's not all about me and my problems, its about those I love. I love my family and close friends so much, and have done a horrible job this past year in expressing it. I always made up some excuse as to not hug, or call, or text. No more. They have all done so much for me, and now its my turn to give back again. Not be the jerk I became, haha.

So..

Dear friends and family,

Thank you for putting up with my crap, always being by my side, lending an ear, as well as your advice. Though I may not have seemed appreciative at the time, know that I appreciate now. Your efforts were not in vain. :) I am so blessed to have you guys, and love you very much.

Love,

me

in the words of dory

Sometimes, it is just hard. But I keep pushing on.

I miss how things were.

how I felt.

what I did.

the friends I had.

...it all.

I know that God has a plan and a reason for everything that happens, but sometimes I just want to be like, "Alright God, come on now, give me a clue here, please." But I know I won't get the response I want back. Trusting Him isn't the hard part, it's being patient. It's pushing forward, moving on with your life, rather than sitting around all day waiting for His plan to make itself known to you. That's the conclusion I have come up to this past year, few years actually. I knew God always had a reason for things to happen as they did, but I had to learn to wait, to be patient. He planted people in my life for a reason, what I wanted I wasn't going to get right then, but eventually. Now, I still trust Him, but I think He is still teaching me to be patient. I didn't learn the first time around, and so He is giving me another opportunity to grow. The opportunities may not be what I expect them to be, they may hurt, and I will ask questions. Not questions of doubt and misbelief, but of when, where, and how? But at least He is giving me these chances. However, it does get harder, my heart grows weary from it. What's that phrase? "It'll only get worse before it gets better." Something like that. So I know in the long run this will be worth it. I will be stronger once I am past all of this. But in the meantime, my heart and my mind need to come to an understanding.

STOP!

plain and simple. stop thinking about it. then my heart wont hurt like it does. cause its not coming back. its the past. embrace the future.

"just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

One of those days

So today is one of those days. It's a day where I am ready to be done with school, have my own house/apartment, own pets, a job, and someone to relax with.

It's one of the strongest feelings I have had in a while, and while it is nice, it is rather depressing. I have all these thoughts and memories of spring time, hanging out watching movies, staying inside, flying kites, playing with dogs and cats, laying in a hammock, long car rides, margaritaville, etc. While great memories that I wouldn't change for the world, I will never get the chance to make those same exact ones again. Sure I can make them another time, possibly with someone else. But it's not the same. It's just weird. I thought I was past all this, but apparently spring has sprung me from the mental prison I called "freedom." I just tricked myself into being past all of it. The suckiest thing is not only can I have that person/opportunities back, I'm not done with school..so no chance of a place of my own with pets and a hammock. Gosh, I just want it like it used to be..

I am better than this..

I've lost my focus. I've lost my beliefs. I've lost my goals, my aspirations. I've lost me, who I really am.

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk

I don't know what happened. I can't wrap my head around it. This semester I have hit an all time low. My grades are absolute crap. I'm not graduating in May. I'm lonely. I'm not going to church as regularly. All these things that aren't me! I just want to know what happened..I got so wrapped up in just having fun and finding someone to make me happy that I didn't try being happy with just me. (Ya know there's a quote for that, something like "If you can't be happy with just yourself, you'll never be happy with anyone." I don't know, something like that.) Because I relied on others, all I've felt like lately is total crap. That I'm not good enough, I'll never accomplish anything, I'll always be alone. And before, I would have never let this get to me. This stuff wouldn't affect my grades, my attitude, anything.

I AM BETTER THAN THIS!

it's so frustrating because I know this, but yet I can't get my mind past everything to actually act upon it. I'm wearing myself out trying to get back to who I was. I exhaust myself to the point of wanting to just cry, and I give up. Then I have to start all over again. This is so stupid! I deserve better, I am good enough, I can do great things with what I have. So why have I let people allow me to feel so small and worthless still? What should I do? Just wish their was a reset button that connected to the mind where I could forget all the words said, all the memories had, everything, and just start fresh.

"Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?

Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming"

Cycles

Why do we do the things we do?

I ask myself that question time and time again. I have yet to come up with an answer I can agree with for myself, personally. The common answer I've heard though is:

We are humans, sinful beings living in a sinful world, not guided by the one by whom we should be.

I can't disagree with that, but I think that for each person there is another reason that is special for them. Like a personality trait or birthmark that is specific to each person. So why do you do the things you do? Why do I? Oh man, I'm sure if someone had the answer to that, they would be rich! Alas, I am still in search of my reasoning.

There are things in every person's life that they struggle with daily; career, school, future, love, relationships. They are all normal occurrences in our daily lives. Some of these things seem to run vicious cycles, while others only last a short while. Take for instance careers-I've known people to struggle with jobs because either they were unsatisfied with what they had, or they just couldn't keep one. Struggle. College seniors struggle daily with school and future on the same plate. What if my degree doesn't land me the dream job? What if my diploma is worth nothing? Struggle. And then there is love/relationships. People struggle with finding "the one," keeping interest, making commitment, finding flat out happiness. Struggle. And as we take the journey with each of these endeavors, we question our reasons. Why stay in school if its going to be for nothing? Why look for love, when it always just slaps me in the face?

I feel like I am being hit hard in every aspect lately. And with each endeavor I am asking myself, "Why?" What is it that keeps me coming back, from just packing my bags and leaving town? The thought has crossed my mind so much as of late, that I find myself detaching from things. I don't want to deal with school, with the future, with jobs, with love. Each thing has scorned me in some way in the past year and I'm fed up. But why haven't I left yet? It may be because I am hoping school will ease up on the work load, that I'll be graduating in May (hopefully), that the job could be good for me and open doors I didn't know existed, or cause I am madly in love. It could just be cause I am that kind of person who doesn't give up. I honestly have no clue. I just know I am running in this vicious cycle around everything that doesn't need to be a focus; that it's wearing me thin and I feel I may crumble soon.

So how do I change that? I've tried giving up and letting go of the things that hurt, but I always come back. I always run the same race to only end up in the same last place. They always say to put God first and focus on Him. I plan on doing that. But at the same time I want to focus on me. I think it has finally hit me that I always put others before me in most things, and forget what I want and need. I am depriving myself of the possibilities of what kind of godly woman I could be. I don't know what will become of me, or what will result from this possible attitude. I am hoping great things. But I won't lie, it scares me. I don't know if I can do it, but I want to try. It's my last semester. I'm sick of running in circles. Here's to hoping.

...Until next time.